Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to assume this about invitation?

353 replies

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 16:28

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 01/11/2025 17:13

"But they are one of our kids now" is the appropriate response.

Utterly ridiculous to not put names on the invitation, make it look like it was to your whole household and then blame you for misunderstanding. Is there any chance the event is simply not suitable for a small child? In which case they should have said so.

Thelankyone · 01/11/2025 17:14

youalright · 01/11/2025 16:56

Are you sure that is actually what was said to dh and there isn't a communication mix up i would message them and straight out say is 3 year old invited or not if they say no i wouldn't be going

I’d be 100 percent sure this was as they didn’t see the child as family and not just they don’t want little kids there. As it’s fine to have it adults or older kids only, it’s absolutely not fine if other little kids going and this is they don’t see them as family.

Original poster
MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:15

It's not a mistake. It was said to DH, he clarified it again at the time and has done so again since.

It's not because of their age. Our 6yo is invited, several other children 3 and under are invited. It's purely because they're not family. They are my relative, rather than DH's,

The irony is that one of the older children is mine pre-DH and when DH said "oh so presumably Xxx isn't invited either then on those grounds?" there was a lot of spluttering and a "maybe I've not thought this through, let me speak to the wife" backtracking.

I'm not going. Kids aren't going (adult or younger). MIL isn't going - she is absolutely livid. DH may go as he was ferrying his Granny to and from the party and her care home and he won't let her down, but if someone else takes that on he's not going either.

I'm absolutely gutted. DH's family have always been wonderful - I have virtually no family as I was brought up by GPs. Had one aunt, one cousin and they're both gone - and I've always felt part of the family. Not now with these ones though.

I'm so annoyed that they think we're being U by assuming. To me it's an entirely natural assumption to make given the way the invitation was worded.

OP posts:
Blanketfull · 01/11/2025 17:16

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:15

It's not a mistake. It was said to DH, he clarified it again at the time and has done so again since.

It's not because of their age. Our 6yo is invited, several other children 3 and under are invited. It's purely because they're not family. They are my relative, rather than DH's,

The irony is that one of the older children is mine pre-DH and when DH said "oh so presumably Xxx isn't invited either then on those grounds?" there was a lot of spluttering and a "maybe I've not thought this through, let me speak to the wife" backtracking.

I'm not going. Kids aren't going (adult or younger). MIL isn't going - she is absolutely livid. DH may go as he was ferrying his Granny to and from the party and her care home and he won't let her down, but if someone else takes that on he's not going either.

I'm absolutely gutted. DH's family have always been wonderful - I have virtually no family as I was brought up by GPs. Had one aunt, one cousin and they're both gone - and I've always felt part of the family. Not now with these ones though.

I'm so annoyed that they think we're being U by assuming. To me it's an entirely natural assumption to make given the way the invitation was worded.

Oh. I'm going to guess the husband DH asked has got it all wrong.

tinytemper66 · 01/11/2025 17:17

Hope you told them to stick the invite up their arse…

Original poster
MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:18

Oh. I'm going to guess the husband DH asked has got it all wrong.

He's the organiser. It's his party. He does all the planning.

It's not a lost in translation thing. This is his choice and if he backtracks it's because it was a bad choice and people are unhappy. Not because it was a error (if you get what I mean)

OP posts:
Blanketfull · 01/11/2025 17:19

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:18

Oh. I'm going to guess the husband DH asked has got it all wrong.

He's the organiser. It's his party. He does all the planning.

It's not a lost in translation thing. This is his choice and if he backtracks it's because it was a bad choice and people are unhappy. Not because it was a error (if you get what I mean)

So what's his reasoning for inviting your DC but not this one? Obviously it's outrageous either way, but it also makes no sense.

Sunfloweranddaisy · 01/11/2025 17:20

Even if they change their minds and say your child is now invited I would still not go.

TheZanyZebra · 01/11/2025 17:23

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 16:29

Missed the AIBU bit

Apparently we were U to assume they were invited.

I mean ffs. Surely in this situation anyone would assume that?

I wouldn't "assume" anything, but only because invitations might depend on age and many different factors. I never assume a 3 yo is invited anywhere.

Now that they have confirmed it's because it's basically an adopted child, not a "blood" child, it's very very weird. And really unpleasant.

Let's hope their own child will adopt eventually, and force them to face the situation.

Original poster
MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:24

So what's his reasoning for inviting your DC but not this one? Obviously it's outrageous either way, but it also makes no sense.

He didn't give one, but from what DH said about his reaction I think he forgot about Dd not being DHs! She's mid twenties and we've been together since she was 2 so she and I have been around a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:26

I wouldn't "assume" anything, but only because invitations might depend on age and many different factors. I never assume a 3 yo is invited anywhere.

If the invitations hadn't specifically said "and the kids" I wouldn't have assumed the three kids were invited. However that on the invitation, to me, implies they're invited.

OP posts:
värskekapsas · 01/11/2025 17:26

That would be the end of our relationship for me too!

Blueblell · 01/11/2025 17:26

The kids is surely all your kids that now includes this child. Presumably they don’t have 250 relatives coming and some must be friends so how are they explaining that this child is not invited.

AutumnAllTheWay · 01/11/2025 17:27

Despicable.

Have you tried discussing it with them? The mind boggles that they would stick with their decision once its spelt out

Blanketfull · 01/11/2025 17:27

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:24

So what's his reasoning for inviting your DC but not this one? Obviously it's outrageous either way, but it also makes no sense.

He didn't give one, but from what DH said about his reaction I think he forgot about Dd not being DHs! She's mid twenties and we've been together since she was 2 so she and I have been around a long time.

TBH, if I'd arranged a family party for 250 people and one of the was babysitting a random 3yo, I say fine bring them along. It's mind boggling how an extra 3yo can matter.

Good for your MIL standing up for you all.

Izzywizzy85 · 01/11/2025 17:34

Disgusting. What the fuck is wrong with some people? I’m so glad your MIL has your back! If I were DH I would tell his relatives who are throwing the party that they will now have to arrange transport for granny as he won’t be setting foot in the party.

ThatLemonBear · 01/11/2025 17:36

YANBU, horrible behaviour from those relatives. I’d be telling them to stick their invite TBH

Hankunamatata · 01/11/2025 17:46

Im assuming they know the background with 3 yr old and that you will be their forever home.

Grinsta · 01/11/2025 17:49

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:26

I wouldn't "assume" anything, but only because invitations might depend on age and many different factors. I never assume a 3 yo is invited anywhere.

If the invitations hadn't specifically said "and the kids" I wouldn't have assumed the three kids were invited. However that on the invitation, to me, implies they're invited.

Yes I can't conceive of how anyone can write "the kids" and expect you to read that as anything other than all the children who are living in your home.

Coconutter24 · 01/11/2025 17:52

Blanketfull · 01/11/2025 17:27

TBH, if I'd arranged a family party for 250 people and one of the was babysitting a random 3yo, I say fine bring them along. It's mind boggling how an extra 3yo can matter.

Good for your MIL standing up for you all.

Show quote history

I think I understand what you’re trying to say but you have worded that awfully!

Unicorn34 · 01/11/2025 17:52

Disgusting, I'd be fuming.
You sound like a lovely couple to have done this, and the little one IS family x

SpinningaCompass · 01/11/2025 17:54

I'd not be attending; none of my family would be attending. I'd also insist that the party host sort granny's attendance under the circumstances since their incredible rudeness and nastiness caused your DH to not want to attend.

ScaryM0nster · 01/11/2025 17:57

Is there potentially a misunderstanding of how permanently the omitted child is part of your household and now family?

That might be a vaguely reasonable explanation for excluding them, and then backtracking.

Possibly not, but I try and check myself is it malice or incompetence. And the reality is so often incompetence.

Foxybyname · 01/11/2025 17:57

That's truly awful, and you have every right to be fuming.

So pleased that you have the support of your DH and MIL.

I'm presuming the party organiser is DH's brother. Does he have DC?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/11/2025 17:58

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:15

It's not a mistake. It was said to DH, he clarified it again at the time and has done so again since.

It's not because of their age. Our 6yo is invited, several other children 3 and under are invited. It's purely because they're not family. They are my relative, rather than DH's,

The irony is that one of the older children is mine pre-DH and when DH said "oh so presumably Xxx isn't invited either then on those grounds?" there was a lot of spluttering and a "maybe I've not thought this through, let me speak to the wife" backtracking.

I'm not going. Kids aren't going (adult or younger). MIL isn't going - she is absolutely livid. DH may go as he was ferrying his Granny to and from the party and her care home and he won't let her down, but if someone else takes that on he's not going either.

I'm absolutely gutted. DH's family have always been wonderful - I have virtually no family as I was brought up by GPs. Had one aunt, one cousin and they're both gone - and I've always felt part of the family. Not now with these ones though.

I'm so annoyed that they think we're being U by assuming. To me it's an entirely natural assumption to make given the way the invitation was worded.

This is so so so cruel of them! And why on earth are they dying on this hill rather than apologizing and inviting her