WIBU to assume this about invitation?

[MannersAreAll]

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

It something was addressed to me DH and kids. Id assume it included all the children we were parenting, biological children and otherwise YANBU

YANBU if ‘family only’ is the genuine reasoning behind it then that’s quite shocking and very upsetting. My sibling is adopted and my wider family would never dream of doing such a thing. Such occurrences can be very damaging to a child too.

Isn't it wonderful to read of a mil sticking up for her daughter-in-law on mn!
You are a wonderful family to adopt the 3 year old, I'm sure she will have a wonderful life.
It's great your children are backing you up on your decision to not attend, very short-sighted of the host.
I can't imagine not inviting one member of a family, its actually really horrible of them.

What relative is it op who's party it is? What has DHs other relatives said? Wondering if it's a distant relati8who is being a dick but everyone closer is a decent human being, or if it's a bigger problem closer to home.

YaABSOLUTELYnbu

I actually find this situation incredibly upsetting and it's nothing to do with me, I can't imagine how you're feeling. I can't even begin to conceive of a backstory that could justify their behaviour.

I’d make sure the entire family knew, but I’m petty like that!

That seems really peculiar and deliberate if it’s a party of 250 people and other little kids are going. What difference would one more toddler make!?
Well done Mil for being onside too!
At least it saves buying a present OP…

so there are 250 people who are family being invited… just family. I’ve got a big family but I’d struggle to fill 250 spaces. So I’d assume there are non family members at this party. He is a twat … and i wouldn’t go now even if he offers an invite… might reconsider if he apologised and I felt he meant it and if mil wanted me too, as she sounds lovely. It would taint my relationship with him forever

This is a jaw dropping thread even by Mumsnet standards! OP, presumably the family doing the inviting know enough about your family situation to be aware that the three-year-old is now a permanent member of your household?

That’s really shitty of them.

What kind of person deliberately decides to exclude a 3 yr old?

Fucking arseholes, I’d tell them to stick their shitty invitation where the sun don’t shine ( and if they suddenly backtracked I still wouldn’t go)
and if DH can’t get out of going he should tell everyone who asks where the rest of you are exactly what’s happened.
This would be NC inducing behaviour for me…

He’s your adopted child

what you can salvage from this is your MIL has your back

No, YANBU and it would be a long time before i’d be in a room with them again.

Also, I’m sorry for your loss. You sound amazing. I’ll throw you all a party!

I find it abhorrent that they have left out an orphaned 3 yo. I'm not surprised you're horrified. I think the vote would have been 99% / 1% agree with you.

The wording said "and kids" by which any sane or reasonable person would mean the kids in your household.

This is an utterly shitty thing to do. Hopefully more people will follow MIL's stance and opt out.

There is no excuse at all. No justifying this.

Oh dear. This really is grim. Well done your children and mil standing with you. And I hope dh takes the elderly family member if he really has to and then departs. Although this situation is truly horrible, I would be careful it doesn’t spiral although that’s on them I suppose. Families truly are odd.

YANBU.

They've left out an orphaned 3yo.

Um, the vote would be 99% YANBU if it had worked.

My family would never do this, you are not being unreasonable at all to assume that the child was invited. I’d be pretty furious that an orphaned 3 year old would be excluded from a family event. I’d turn down the invite.

This. It is awful but also rather nice to discover that MIL sees your little one as part of her family.

Slightly off topic, but I just wanted to say how amazing you sound, and what a fantastic family you have - from kids to MIL - backing you up in this way. Party or no party, you are all wonderful.

The party host is unkind and selfish to exclude s 3 year old orphan because "not family"

He is disorganised and stupid to think "and kids" would be read any other way than the kids that live there.

Love that your adult kids and mil agree it is not right.

However, as he is forgetful enough to not remember oldest child has a different father, maybe he forgot about 3 year old and was caught off guard. So if he apologies properly and shows some understanding he is wrong i would draw a line under it. Even though it is ridiculous this has had to be pointed out to him. It probably would change my opinion of him as a person, so I would be stepping back but keeping a civil relationship for dh and mil sake.

I would have assumed it, Manners and I think the relatives are horrible to not want to include this child - who is now, to all intents and purposes, your and your husband's child. Would they do the same had you adopted another child? Dreadful people, they're showing their true colours.

I'd be so disgusted I wouldn't go.

It's disgusting. I would be extremely reluctant to have anything to do with these people going forwards.

So sorry this happened. And what lovely people you are, for offering a loving home to the poor little mite. Most humane people would be falling over themselves to support you in this endeavour and be as welcoming as they can to your lovely little one.

I'd have made the same assumption as you here. If they only wanted specific people to attend then they should have worded the invitation to that effect. That they didn't shows they didn't want it widely known they were excluding your dn/small relativ imo.