Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to assume this about invitation?

353 replies

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 16:28

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

OP posts:
Dery · 06/11/2025 19:44

“mmm if I was his wife, I'd be keeping an eye on his future behaviour in case its the first sign of something neurological. Yes I know its a reach but behaving in a way which is out of character can be a first sign.”

This. Looking back, my sister and i realised that one of the first signs of our mum’s brain tumour was her picking arguments about some really odd things and adopting some strange positions and it was particularly noticeable around social arrangements and relationships.

Delphinium20 · 06/11/2025 21:10

OP, I think you should go to the event. I've read every one of your posts and it's just to odd to think this man has something out for a 3 year old child. I'm going with one of these most likely scenarios:

  1. He confusedly said no because he was thinking of someone other than your 3 year old child
  2. Everyone misunderstood him
  3. He has early onset dementia

#3 would fit for both 1 and 2.
If you don't go, it becomes a thing. Go, and let this wash away. Even if he was a dick about and is now repenting, it still means he learned a lesson.

Choose compassion and give the benefit of the doubt unless you learn otherwise later on. It could be this male relative has a long and sad decline in his near future. Don't make it worse.

godmum56 · 06/11/2025 21:34

Delphinium20 · 06/11/2025 21:10

OP, I think you should go to the event. I've read every one of your posts and it's just to odd to think this man has something out for a 3 year old child. I'm going with one of these most likely scenarios:

  1. He confusedly said no because he was thinking of someone other than your 3 year old child
  2. Everyone misunderstood him
  3. He has early onset dementia

#3 would fit for both 1 and 2.
If you don't go, it becomes a thing. Go, and let this wash away. Even if he was a dick about and is now repenting, it still means he learned a lesson.

Choose compassion and give the benefit of the doubt unless you learn otherwise later on. It could be this male relative has a long and sad decline in his near future. Don't make it worse.

I can understand your POV about not winding things up, but if it is something neurological, I'd be concerned that the OP's appearance with the littlie might be triggering and that would be difficult in such a public situation. Better to meet again more quietly and in a less public situation IMO

Dery · 06/11/2025 23:08

Totally agree with @Delphinium20.

Mumofteenandtween · 06/11/2025 23:22

That is very weird indeed. Which big birthday is it? You mentioned seeing him at kids’ activities that makes me think he is on the very young side for any kind of dementia.

Needspaceforlego · 07/11/2025 00:14

I doubt its anything other than miss communication.

But i think op should go, riffs are hard to heel , and not going after this amount of upset is likely to be start of one.

Original poster
MannersAreAll · 07/11/2025 00:21

He's 50.

I'm not going to the party. It's not some u-turn he's made. He's not claiming people misunderstood him. He's outright denying ever having any conversations about it until DH spoke to him on Wednesday.

So he says their initial chat didn't happen. Their two subsequent chats didn't happen. His multiple conversations with his wife haven't happened. The ones with my MIL, his dad and sister haven't happened.

That's either ridiculously disingenuous and an attempt at gaslighting a load of people because he's come across as a knob, or something very wrong going on with his memory.

Either way I'm not putting a traumatised 3yo in the middle of a party where which of those two options it is could become very obvious.

OP posts:
Mymanyellow · 07/11/2025 05:49

I think you’re right not to go I wouldn’t either.
But something is going on, like to hear the conversations with his wife and all the other people he’s trying to lie to.

AngelicKaty · 07/11/2025 06:08

@Mymanyellow I agree and I hope all those people would be telling him, in no uncertain terms, that if that's the defence he's going to run with then he needs to book an appt with his GP because he's clearly not well.

AngelicKaty · 07/11/2025 06:11

Needspaceforlego · 07/11/2025 00:14

I doubt its anything other than miss communication.

But i think op should go, riffs are hard to heel , and not going after this amount of upset is likely to be start of one.

Edited

Rifts are hard to heal - riffs are hard to play. 😉

Washingupdone · 07/11/2025 08:17

It depends if the people who supported you, are they going, if they are I think you should go.
As for a traumatised 3yo at this age they don’t know anything about family affairs unless someone has made it evident to them.
I think it will cause more trouble than it’s worth in the future. Everyone in the family understood your position.
Gaslighting he has done but two wrongs don’t make a right.

Your friend should understand and change the dates

Original poster
MannersAreAll · 07/11/2025 08:28

Washingupdone · 07/11/2025 08:17

It depends if the people who supported you, are they going, if they are I think you should go.
As for a traumatised 3yo at this age they don’t know anything about family affairs unless someone has made it evident to them.
I think it will cause more trouble than it’s worth in the future. Everyone in the family understood your position.
Gaslighting he has done but two wrongs don’t make a right.

Your friend should understand and change the dates

And the traumatised 3yo - who is understandably traumatised from losing their mother, home, nursery, day-to-day routine just 18 months ago - is completely unaware of the issues surrounding this party. Hence not being prepared to take them into a situation where that may changed.

"Two wrongs don't make a right" Not taking a small child to a party where the host is either gaslighting everyone or has a neurological issue going on isn't a wrong.

People in the family understood our position, and people still totally understand and do not think I should put the wee one in the midst of this. No-one in our household has changed their decision about attending.

OP posts:
Original poster
MannersAreAll · 07/11/2025 08:28

AngelicKaty · 07/11/2025 06:08

@Mymanyellow I agree and I hope all those people would be telling him, in no uncertain terms, that if that's the defence he's going to run with then he needs to book an appt with his GP because he's clearly not well.

He has been told this very firmly by his wife.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 07/11/2025 08:44

I do think there’s a more prosaic alternative explanation for all this - I’ll term it “big important man syndrome”. He’s 50 and decided he wants to have a big party - which he’s organising. In my experience, men who decide to do this sort of thing go into it with the zeal of a 20 something Bridezilla - “going to be the best thing ever” approach. And (if he’s anything like my DH at least) he doesn’t sweat the small details about family. He thinks about his work and his own family and now his party. It sounds awful, but I bet the detail that his cousin’s wife’s relative has died and that his cousin has now taken on a small orphaned child as his own will totally have passed him by. His mum will have told him but it will have gone in one ear and out of the other. So - in his mind - both things are probably true. People have been having conversations about it with him - assuming he’s au fait with the details (and, let’s face it, no woman would forget such tragic circumstances). But he’ll probably just have got the wrong end of the stick and not paid much attention. But now there’s fallout and his big important party is threatened? Now he’s paying attention to it. And nobody told him etc etc.

My own DH is the kindest man, but I’ve seen this with my own eyes in his family. He’s not close to his brothers but MIL will witter on and on about them and their families. So he just nods and mentally switches off. I’ve had loads of conversations with him along the lines of “ but your niece Sarah has had another baby” and he’s totally in the dark. And I obviously only know because I was there when MIL was talking about it and I know he was there at the same time….

a long winded response from me - and I’m not making excuses for him at all! But I suspect it’s at the root of all of this - just another self absorbed middle aged man rather than anything more sinister.

Wayk · 07/11/2025 15:04

well done on standing your ground. This is an awful way to treat an innocent child

Rentin · 07/11/2025 22:16

Editing as lost quote so reposting

Rentin · 07/11/2025 22:17

Washingupdone · 07/11/2025 08:17

It depends if the people who supported you, are they going, if they are I think you should go.
As for a traumatised 3yo at this age they don’t know anything about family affairs unless someone has made it evident to them.
I think it will cause more trouble than it’s worth in the future. Everyone in the family understood your position.
Gaslighting he has done but two wrongs don’t make a right.

Your friend should understand and change the dates

Why the italicising of the word traumatised?

I think there's a good chance that the topic could get brought up at the party. This man is denying conversations that he had with multiple family members and appears to have something wrong with him. Multiple people are really angry about it. People often talk in front of 3 year olds like they're babies who can't understand anything for some reason.

Even if not a full argument, it may feel awkward or tense and a 3 year old definitely could pick up on that atmosphere. My just-turned-3 year old is very perceptive to people's emotions and facial expressions. If I'm even slightly tired, he asks if I'm upset and need a hug, even when I'm attempting to be upbeat.

If I brought him to an event where a massive argument had previously kicked off about him and people were acting weird or speaking about it to each other using his name he would definitely pick up on it, even if he didn't fully understand what was going on.

I think OP is right to keep the child out of it. The man sounds unpredictable and I think it's better to let that play out away from the traumatised 3 year old.

Washingupdone · 07/11/2025 22:37

Rentin · 07/11/2025 22:17

Why the italicising of the word traumatised?

I think there's a good chance that the topic could get brought up at the party. This man is denying conversations that he had with multiple family members and appears to have something wrong with him. Multiple people are really angry about it. People often talk in front of 3 year olds like they're babies who can't understand anything for some reason.

Even if not a full argument, it may feel awkward or tense and a 3 year old definitely could pick up on that atmosphere. My just-turned-3 year old is very perceptive to people's emotions and facial expressions. If I'm even slightly tired, he asks if I'm upset and need a hug, even when I'm attempting to be upbeat.

If I brought him to an event where a massive argument had previously kicked off about him and people were acting weird or speaking about it to each other using his name he would definitely pick up on it, even if he didn't fully understand what was going on.

I think OP is right to keep the child out of it. The man sounds unpredictable and I think it's better to let that play out away from the traumatised 3 year old.

Edited
Show quote history

Because I was quoting OP.

Never mind.

Delphinium20 · 08/11/2025 05:58

WimpoleHat · 07/11/2025 08:44

I do think there’s a more prosaic alternative explanation for all this - I’ll term it “big important man syndrome”. He’s 50 and decided he wants to have a big party - which he’s organising. In my experience, men who decide to do this sort of thing go into it with the zeal of a 20 something Bridezilla - “going to be the best thing ever” approach. And (if he’s anything like my DH at least) he doesn’t sweat the small details about family. He thinks about his work and his own family and now his party. It sounds awful, but I bet the detail that his cousin’s wife’s relative has died and that his cousin has now taken on a small orphaned child as his own will totally have passed him by. His mum will have told him but it will have gone in one ear and out of the other. So - in his mind - both things are probably true. People have been having conversations about it with him - assuming he’s au fait with the details (and, let’s face it, no woman would forget such tragic circumstances). But he’ll probably just have got the wrong end of the stick and not paid much attention. But now there’s fallout and his big important party is threatened? Now he’s paying attention to it. And nobody told him etc etc.

My own DH is the kindest man, but I’ve seen this with my own eyes in his family. He’s not close to his brothers but MIL will witter on and on about them and their families. So he just nods and mentally switches off. I’ve had loads of conversations with him along the lines of “ but your niece Sarah has had another baby” and he’s totally in the dark. And I obviously only know because I was there when MIL was talking about it and I know he was there at the same time….

a long winded response from me - and I’m not making excuses for him at all! But I suspect it’s at the root of all of this - just another self absorbed middle aged man rather than anything more sinister.

I think you win for the most likely scenario.

Attempt333 · 08/11/2025 07:27

In afraid none of us would be going to the party. The 3 yr old is your family and if they aren't invited then none of you go! Thats digusting tbh I'm fuming on your behalf

Original poster
MannersAreAll · 08/11/2025 11:13

Because I was quoting OP.

Never mind.

Your choice to italicise that one specific word, rather than use quotation marks or quote the whole sentence very much came across as being sarcastic or snippy about the word.

A 3yo who lost his whole world is very much a traumatised child. It certainly doesn't merit any mocking of the word from anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
MannersAreAll · 08/11/2025 11:17

It sounds awful, but I bet the detail that his cousin’s wife’s relative has died and that his cousin has now taken on a small orphaned child as his own will totally have passed him by. His mum will have told him but it will have gone in one ear and out of the other.

I think in many cases you could be bang on.

However, this is someone who is a very regular part of our lives. It's not a case of his parents passing him information.

He and his wife had our children for a few days in an emergency when it happened. We see them very very often because of the children's activities. He and DH talk very frequently and are friends as well as cousins.

It's why it's such a surprise. And also why we've not just walked away in disgust because it is such a surprise.

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 08/11/2025 11:36

Delphinium20 · 08/11/2025 05:58

I think you win for the most likely scenario.

Show quote history

No they haven't - they've totally failed to read all of OP's posts (or, at least if they have, understand them).

WimpoleHat · 08/11/2025 12:17

AngelicKaty · 08/11/2025 11:36

No they haven't - they've totally failed to read all of OP's posts (or, at least if they have, understand them).

Show quote history

That’s extremely rude. I had indeed read OP”s ppsts, in which she described a close but very sizeable family. She had said that their “paths crossed regularly” with the birthday boy, but had not (at least, not until her latest update) clarified that she or her DH had a personally close relationship with him.

Washingupdone · 08/11/2025 21:25

MannersAreAll · 08/11/2025 11:13

Because I was quoting OP.

Never mind.

Your choice to italicise that one specific word, rather than use quotation marks or quote the whole sentence very much came across as being sarcastic or snippy about the word.

A 3yo who lost his whole world is very much a traumatised child. It certainly doesn't merit any mocking of the word from anyone.

Really don’t worry about me not using quotation marks, it was easier to do.

Also, please do not criticize what you don’t know about other people’s lives before the age of three and trauma.