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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unsolicited rude video

165 replies

ThatJollyGreySquid · 29/10/2025 12:18

AIBU to feel annoyed at being sent a masturbation video by a man I’ve been dating for about 5 weeks? It happened last night after I got home from a date with him. To put it into context, we have slept together and were engaging in some sexual “flanter” over WhatsApp, but it was more playful, complimentary and sexy than downright dirty. He’s been lovely to me, and I was feeling quite positive over the way things were developing. I had told him previously I am not interested in the sharing of intimate photos. This has made me feel weird. Does any woman actually like receiving dick pics or wanking videos?

OP posts:
Thelankyone · 29/10/2025 16:50

BauhausOfEliott · 29/10/2025 16:03

I didn't say he shouldn't have asked. Of course he should have asked.

Neither did I say I'm in the majority. Like I said - each to their own. The OP is totally entitled to be disgusted and feel the way that she feels. I was pretty clear about that in my post, no?

My question is one of genuine interest because I'd love to know why - for plenty of women, it would seem - seeing a picture/video of someone's dick is more personal/intimate/shocking/inappropriate than actually having sex with its owner. Obviously a lot of people on the thread feel that way. But if I'd slept with someone a few times I wouldn't be horrified to see a picture of their dick, given that I've already had it inside me on at least three occasions. I'm really just interested to know why people feel the way they do - I'm not saying they're wrong. It's obviously a completely personal choice. I'm just interested in how different people are, really.

Show quote history

Can I ask politely, are you male?

JohnTheRevelator · 29/10/2025 16:52

Urgh. This would put me right off.

Mumofyellows · 29/10/2025 16:58

It is gross and misjudged on his part as you have said that isn’t something you would like. However, you do seem to really like him. How would you feel about being really honest and saying to him it really shocked you and made you feel quite disappointed considering you had thought you had made yourself really clear. He may have just become carried away with the conversation you were having, and taken it too far. I think if you were getting on so week to this point it is salvageable if you want it to be, he just needs to know he crossed a line for you.

Original poster
ThatJollyGreySquid · 29/10/2025 17:00

Thank you for all the replies and support. I haven’t decided yet what to do-I will update when I do. It’s my first venture into dating since my other half died 9 years ago. I’ve not dated online before or in the times of sending videos, so I wasn’t sure of protocols.

OP posts:
Thelankyone · 29/10/2025 17:05

ThatJollyGreySquid · 29/10/2025 17:00

Thank you for all the replies and support. I haven’t decided yet what to do-I will update when I do. It’s my first venture into dating since my other half died 9 years ago. I’ve not dated online before or in the times of sending videos, so I wasn’t sure of protocols.

Edited

I suspect that means you will accept it and that’s fine, but beware of being in a relationship where someone ignores your boundaries, so early on, and ignores your needs. Ultimately being in a bad relationship is worse than being in no relationship and getting with someone where it’s really just as you will offer up sex, will make you feel like shit in the end.

Original poster
ThatJollyGreySquid · 29/10/2025 17:23

I do feel foolish as I commented on @Brooklans post only yesterday saying how well my new relationship was going….pride, fall etcetera.

OP posts:
FoxRedPuppy · 29/10/2025 17:44

Thelankyone · 29/10/2025 17:05

I suspect that means you will accept it and that’s fine, but beware of being in a relationship where someone ignores your boundaries, so early on, and ignores your needs. Ultimately being in a bad relationship is worse than being in no relationship and getting with someone where it’s really just as you will offer up sex, will make you feel like shit in the end.

Show quote history

But she didn’t make it clear earlier on. She made a passing comment about him “not being like that”. She didn’t say, “just so you know I never want to share or receive intimate photos.

Hibernatingtilspring · 29/10/2025 17:55

@BauhausOfEliott I assumed the 'only slept with him three times' meant that he doesn't know her well enough yet to know for sure that she would want a video like that. From what the op described they're still in the getting to know each other stage, where you would hope people would be extra considerate, still trying to make a good impression, not pushing boundaries to see what they can get away with.

Thelankyone · 29/10/2025 17:59

FoxRedPuppy · 29/10/2025 17:44

But she didn’t make it clear earlier on. She made a passing comment about him “not being like that”. She didn’t say, “just so you know I never want to share or receive intimate photos.

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I can’t remotely get my head round the thinking here that unless a woman says explicitly no then you’re free to send her any form of porn you fancy.

wtf.

Getoffmewithyourstinkybreath · 29/10/2025 18:14

I would find that grim but it wouldn’t necessarily be a dealbreaker if I thought it was just a case of him making a poor judgement call. My DP of many years engaged in those kinds of shenanigans with an ex but he knows that it’s not my thing and has never sent anything thank god.

TheZanyZebra · 29/10/2025 18:18

Thelankyone · 29/10/2025 16:49

On what planet is shagging someone three times and dating 5 weeks any form of established relationship?
honestly I’d think you were a guy bemused as to why women didn’t want to receive dick pics and wanking videos.

Show quote history

if that's not at least the beginning of a relationship, what is?

Having sex once, fine, but by the second time, by normal people standard it's exclusivity implied. Shame if people don't have enough self-estime not to have the most basic expectations.

I have no interest in dick pics but have standards.

ginasevern · 29/10/2025 18:27

The more I read about men these days it makes me almost glad I'm old.

marmitegirl01 · 29/10/2025 18:30

Check out Burned Haystack dating method. Classic test & apologise.
definetely block urghhh

Needsrecharging · 29/10/2025 18:31

I am going to go against the majority here and say it's really not a deal breaker.
Yes, it's not your thing- and that is okay. But I disagree that the OP explicitly stated she was against dick pics. She made a comment along the lines of "that's a relief it wasn't a dic-pic" on receipt of another photo. That could have been a joke in his mind.
Perhaps to his mind, he wanted to share that the thought of you turns him on, and he wanted to let you know. He asked "is this okay?". That not predatory behaviour, that's a human reaching out and asking if you enjoyed it. You didn't, so tell him.
Perhaps he is being vulnerable, demonstrating to you what he likes.
You may not have the same tastes but you have been intimate. You have seen his penis before! This is not as outrageous as most posters are making out I don't think.

ItsFridayIminLoveJS · 29/10/2025 18:32

It's the men who " get off" on it.. thinking of you watching it while wanking or taking pics.
Delete / block/ bin him off.
You deserve better.
Have some self worth.
You're worth it.
🌺

Cherrysoup · 29/10/2025 18:36

ThatJollyGreySquid · 29/10/2025 14:07

Yes, I think you’re right. It wasn’t really crude sex talk, more along the lines of “I really loved it when you did this or that” or appreciating body parts, techniques etcetera. Maybe I took it too far….I am more likely to be aroused by verbal communication than visual.
A couple of weeks before intimacy he sent me a message saying “photo incoming” and it was a photo of a castle-I said, “ thats a relief, I was worried that you were sending a dick pic which would have been disappointing as you don’t seem like that type of guy.” Maybe that wasn’t clear enough.

Show quote history

So based on that, he sent you a masturbation video?! Was he thinking it would be flattering or something based on having had sex with him and he was thinking about you? Bad misjudgement on his part after you told him you were glad his photo wasn’t a dick pic. But why would he ‘warn’ you that he was about to send a picture (of a castle)? Odd.

Suednymph · 29/10/2025 20:22

Eww just eww. I cannot imagine any woman getting turned on by that and if there are some I would say it would be few and far between however you explicitly said no to sexy pics so him sending that is him telling you he does not respect your boundaries.

InLoveWithAI · 29/10/2025 20:42

Needsrecharging · 29/10/2025 18:31

I am going to go against the majority here and say it's really not a deal breaker.
Yes, it's not your thing- and that is okay. But I disagree that the OP explicitly stated she was against dick pics. She made a comment along the lines of "that's a relief it wasn't a dic-pic" on receipt of another photo. That could have been a joke in his mind.
Perhaps to his mind, he wanted to share that the thought of you turns him on, and he wanted to let you know. He asked "is this okay?". That not predatory behaviour, that's a human reaching out and asking if you enjoyed it. You didn't, so tell him.
Perhaps he is being vulnerable, demonstrating to you what he likes.
You may not have the same tastes but you have been intimate. You have seen his penis before! This is not as outrageous as most posters are making out I don't think.

The law disagrees with you.

Thelankyone · 29/10/2025 20:43

Needsrecharging · 29/10/2025 18:31

I am going to go against the majority here and say it's really not a deal breaker.
Yes, it's not your thing- and that is okay. But I disagree that the OP explicitly stated she was against dick pics. She made a comment along the lines of "that's a relief it wasn't a dic-pic" on receipt of another photo. That could have been a joke in his mind.
Perhaps to his mind, he wanted to share that the thought of you turns him on, and he wanted to let you know. He asked "is this okay?". That not predatory behaviour, that's a human reaching out and asking if you enjoyed it. You didn't, so tell him.
Perhaps he is being vulnerable, demonstrating to you what he likes.
You may not have the same tastes but you have been intimate. You have seen his penis before! This is not as outrageous as most posters are making out I don't think.

Again, why on earth is it ok to send someone porn as they didn’t explicitly explain it wasn’t acceptable. I find that mind boggling. And so wrong, if he wants to send that he asks first. Not say well she never explicitly said no.

consent is a thing,

Irenesortof · 29/10/2025 20:50

Oh no! YANBU.

SunnyDolly · 29/10/2025 22:28

Needsrecharging · 29/10/2025 18:31

I am going to go against the majority here and say it's really not a deal breaker.
Yes, it's not your thing- and that is okay. But I disagree that the OP explicitly stated she was against dick pics. She made a comment along the lines of "that's a relief it wasn't a dic-pic" on receipt of another photo. That could have been a joke in his mind.
Perhaps to his mind, he wanted to share that the thought of you turns him on, and he wanted to let you know. He asked "is this okay?". That not predatory behaviour, that's a human reaching out and asking if you enjoyed it. You didn't, so tell him.
Perhaps he is being vulnerable, demonstrating to you what he likes.
You may not have the same tastes but you have been intimate. You have seen his penis before! This is not as outrageous as most posters are making out I don't think.

No no no. Asking if it’s okay after sending the video is fucking useless. Like saying the local flasher in the park can crack on as long as he asks if it was alright once he’s tied his jacket back up.

Needsrecharging · 29/10/2025 22:40

@InLoveWithAI and @Thelankyone
I don't think he sent porn. He sent an explicit video of himself. A video he (presumably) thought would be welcome because on 3 previous occasions the recipient of the video had consented to intimacy. He suffixed the video with the question, "Is this ok?".
He is asking. He is reaching out. He is not demanding her appreciation or asking for videos in return.
Alright it may be clumsy. It may be a bad choice to send via message rather than a conversation.
But, it may be an attempt at an intimacy that he likes.

I'd just like to explore the possibility that he could be a flawed human, like all of us- making a mistake that he's willing to learn from by asking "is this ok?" by private, personal message-sending a private personal video. Should he really be vilified so very harshly?
Must we rush to, "end this, block him, never contact him again!"?
These are real people's lives at play, good people cross boundaries occasionally and then learn- and then go on to have wonderful relationships, once they understand the likes and dislikes of the other and if that can or can't work for them.

I simply don't read any form of coercive behaviour here, I'm sorry. He sent a video he'd have liked to her enjoy. She didn't. He explicitly asked if it was ok that he sent it. She's basically ghosted him since then.

Imagine if you sent (what you thought was an appropriately saucy) picture by text to a lover you'd been intimate with 3 times and then they ghosted you. That's a mumsnet thread right there.....and they'd also be advising that you "leave the bastard"! Appropriate to one person may or may not be appropriate to another. And I assume that's why he asked.

Honestly!!

SunnyDolly · 29/10/2025 23:21

@Needsrecharging Consensual sexting is when an explicit image or video is sent with the recipients clear permission. You have a discussion about what you’re in to and what your boundaries are upfront before anything is sent.
Cyberflashing is when an explicit image is sent to someone without their permission, and is a crime. You do not send the video before checking it’s okay. You don’t send it over and then ask. THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE IS SAYING and that’s what the problem is. That’s why the OP reacted the way that she did.

Thepossibility · 30/10/2025 00:10

Ew. Creep.

The13thFairy · 30/10/2025 10:30

LorrieTosh · 29/10/2025 13:59

It’s fucking weird and totally inappropriate to send something like this out of the blue, but:

I had told him previously I am not interested in the sharing of intimate photos

I think this is what makes it unforgivable. He knew, without a doubt, that you’re not interested in even receiving photos like this…so he went one step further and sent a video. This feels suspiciously like a man testing your boundaries, and it’d be entirely reasonable to call it a day over this, especially as you’ve only been seeing him for five weeks.

He sent it and then asked you if it was ok? He should have asked before sending it.