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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unsolicited rude video

165 replies

ThatJollyGreySquid · 29/10/2025 12:18

AIBU to feel annoyed at being sent a masturbation video by a man I’ve been dating for about 5 weeks? It happened last night after I got home from a date with him. To put it into context, we have slept together and were engaging in some sexual “flanter” over WhatsApp, but it was more playful, complimentary and sexy than downright dirty. He’s been lovely to me, and I was feeling quite positive over the way things were developing. I had told him previously I am not interested in the sharing of intimate photos. This has made me feel weird. Does any woman actually like receiving dick pics or wanking videos?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatJollyGreySquid · 30/10/2025 11:05

Needsrecharging · 29/10/2025 22:40

@InLoveWithAI and @Thelankyone
I don't think he sent porn. He sent an explicit video of himself. A video he (presumably) thought would be welcome because on 3 previous occasions the recipient of the video had consented to intimacy. He suffixed the video with the question, "Is this ok?".
He is asking. He is reaching out. He is not demanding her appreciation or asking for videos in return.
Alright it may be clumsy. It may be a bad choice to send via message rather than a conversation.
But, it may be an attempt at an intimacy that he likes.

I'd just like to explore the possibility that he could be a flawed human, like all of us- making a mistake that he's willing to learn from by asking "is this ok?" by private, personal message-sending a private personal video. Should he really be vilified so very harshly?
Must we rush to, "end this, block him, never contact him again!"?
These are real people's lives at play, good people cross boundaries occasionally and then learn- and then go on to have wonderful relationships, once they understand the likes and dislikes of the other and if that can or can't work for them.

I simply don't read any form of coercive behaviour here, I'm sorry. He sent a video he'd have liked to her enjoy. She didn't. He explicitly asked if it was ok that he sent it. She's basically ghosted him since then.

Imagine if you sent (what you thought was an appropriately saucy) picture by text to a lover you'd been intimate with 3 times and then they ghosted you. That's a mumsnet thread right there.....and they'd also be advising that you "leave the bastard"! Appropriate to one person may or may not be appropriate to another. And I assume that's why he asked.

Honestly!!

I haven’t ghosted him at all. He sent me a message apologising if the video had upset me. I replied saying that it hadn’t upset me, but that it was unwelcome. He replied saying that he’d got it wrong. We are going to talk about it at some point, then make a decision as to whether we are compatible.

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 30/10/2025 11:08

I had told him previously I am not interested in the sharing of intimate photos.

So it's not only that he sent an explicitly unasked for a wank video, he did it after you set a boundary. This is not a good man OP.

Maybe I took it too far
I do feel foolish
Maybe that wasn’t clear enough

It's also really sad that he's violated your consent, and you are blaming and questioning yourself and your reaction. It's a crime for a reason, it's normal to feel the way you do about it.

AngelicKaty · 30/10/2025 11:14

ThatJollyGreySquid · 30/10/2025 11:05

I haven’t ghosted him at all. He sent me a message apologising if the video had upset me. I replied saying that it hadn’t upset me, but that it was unwelcome. He replied saying that he’d got it wrong. We are going to talk about it at some point, then make a decision as to whether we are compatible.

Show quote history

Thanks for the update OP. 😊

Aclyu · 30/10/2025 11:16

LadyRoughDiamond · 29/10/2025 12:56

I find it increasingly depressing to discover that most men are like dogs that need training in how to behave.

And would benefit from castration just like problem dogs. Well we'd all benefit from some men being castrated.

BauhausOfEliott · 30/10/2025 11:58

Thelankyone · 29/10/2025 16:50

Can I ask politely, are you male?

Show quote history

No, I’m a 49-year-old woman.

Just because someone has different turn-ons to yours, that doesn’t mean they’re a man, you know. There is a vast spectrum of female sexuality and sexual interests. I haven’t criticised anyone on this thread for feeling the way they do or suggested they should feel differently.

I find it incredibly misogynistic that you assume any woman who doesn’t think exactly the way you do about sex must be a man. Women are allowed to enjoy whatever the hell they enjoy in bed, and accusing women of being unfeminine for owning their sexuality is not any kind of feminism that I recognise. It helps nobody.

BauhausOfEliott · 30/10/2025 12:08

Hibernatingtilspring · 29/10/2025 17:55

@BauhausOfEliott I assumed the 'only slept with him three times' meant that he doesn't know her well enough yet to know for sure that she would want a video like that. From what the op described they're still in the getting to know each other stage, where you would hope people would be extra considerate, still trying to make a good impression, not pushing boundaries to see what they can get away with.

Fair enough. He should certainly have asked her first rather than just assuming she’d be into it. I don’t think it was at all reasonable of him to send it unsolicited.

letmehaveathink · 30/10/2025 12:35

I'm clearly different to most women, as I would love this. The more I read MN, the more I realise how many women hate sex, hate penises and don't want sex. As a mid 50's woman, with a high sex drive, I find this utterly mind boggling.

Sassylovesbooks · 30/10/2025 12:42

I'd message him back and say 'No, the video wasn't OK. I'm not into sending/receiving dirty videos/pictures. Please don't do this again'. You are giving him a clear boundary. If, he then disrespects your boundary after you've made it crystal clear, then end the relationship. In fairness, you told him you weren't into sending intimate pictures, as he didn't ask you too, then he may have assumed (wrongly!!) that you were OK to receive?! Common sense should have told him otherwise!

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/10/2025 13:10

letmehaveathink · 30/10/2025 12:35

I'm clearly different to most women, as I would love this. The more I read MN, the more I realise how many women hate sex, hate penises and don't want sex. As a mid 50's woman, with a high sex drive, I find this utterly mind boggling.

It is not about liking penises or not liking penises, it is not about libido. It’s about consent. It does not matter if lots of other women would like a wanking video. Sending one without consent is not okay, the same with any other sexual interaction. This is not a difficult concept to understand, and yet you have managed to go from lots of women not wanting non consensual dick pics, to all women on MN hate sex. I find this utterly mind boggling.

Ihatetomatoes · 30/10/2025 13:21

ThatJollyGreySquid · 29/10/2025 14:07

Yes, I think you’re right. It wasn’t really crude sex talk, more along the lines of “I really loved it when you did this or that” or appreciating body parts, techniques etcetera. Maybe I took it too far….I am more likely to be aroused by verbal communication than visual.
A couple of weeks before intimacy he sent me a message saying “photo incoming” and it was a photo of a castle-I said, “ thats a relief, I was worried that you were sending a dick pic which would have been disappointing as you don’t seem like that type of guy.” Maybe that wasn’t clear enough.

Show quote history

Why are you blaming yourself - 'Maybe I took it too far' Seriously it's not you it's a HIM problem. Edit - not sure if OP said it or another poster! Either way it's not the receiver's fault, it was made clear no dick pics, yet he sent stuff anyway

Grim, personally I'd dump, sounds like a sleazebag

Clarabell77 · 30/10/2025 13:28

tupils · 29/10/2025 13:07

Unnecessarily unpleasant. Imagine if you heard that said on a men’s forum about women.
Okay so this particular man has done something yucky, but no need to generalise such contempt.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s a fair point with all the sexual violence suffered by women at the hands of men. Maybe not most men, but almost always men.

InLoveWithAI · 30/10/2025 14:31

Needsrecharging · 29/10/2025 22:40

@InLoveWithAI and @Thelankyone
I don't think he sent porn. He sent an explicit video of himself. A video he (presumably) thought would be welcome because on 3 previous occasions the recipient of the video had consented to intimacy. He suffixed the video with the question, "Is this ok?".
He is asking. He is reaching out. He is not demanding her appreciation or asking for videos in return.
Alright it may be clumsy. It may be a bad choice to send via message rather than a conversation.
But, it may be an attempt at an intimacy that he likes.

I'd just like to explore the possibility that he could be a flawed human, like all of us- making a mistake that he's willing to learn from by asking "is this ok?" by private, personal message-sending a private personal video. Should he really be vilified so very harshly?
Must we rush to, "end this, block him, never contact him again!"?
These are real people's lives at play, good people cross boundaries occasionally and then learn- and then go on to have wonderful relationships, once they understand the likes and dislikes of the other and if that can or can't work for them.

I simply don't read any form of coercive behaviour here, I'm sorry. He sent a video he'd have liked to her enjoy. She didn't. He explicitly asked if it was ok that he sent it. She's basically ghosted him since then.

Imagine if you sent (what you thought was an appropriately saucy) picture by text to a lover you'd been intimate with 3 times and then they ghosted you. That's a mumsnet thread right there.....and they'd also be advising that you "leave the bastard"! Appropriate to one person may or may not be appropriate to another. And I assume that's why he asked.

Honestly!!

Again, the law does not agree with you. He has committed a crime.

Consent is garnered BEFORE action.

I worry for you if this is your genuine thoughts on this.

FoxRedPuppy · 30/10/2025 14:35

Personally I do like pictures and videos like this. And I think there is a big difference in the ones I was sent by men I’d never met (OLD) and one from someone I’m seeing and am currently engaged in sexual innuendo talk.

Also she didn’t make it clear that she didn’t want this! I wish people would stop saying that.

To me it wouldn’t be a dumping offence, more of a chat and give boundaries.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/10/2025 15:10

ThatJollyGreySquid · 29/10/2025 14:07

Yes, I think you’re right. It wasn’t really crude sex talk, more along the lines of “I really loved it when you did this or that” or appreciating body parts, techniques etcetera. Maybe I took it too far….I am more likely to be aroused by verbal communication than visual.
A couple of weeks before intimacy he sent me a message saying “photo incoming” and it was a photo of a castle-I said, “ thats a relief, I was worried that you were sending a dick pic which would have been disappointing as you don’t seem like that type of guy.” Maybe that wasn’t clear enough.

Show quote history

Hi OP did you also specifically say you didn't want intimate pics? Or just say what you said in this post? As I'm not sure the phrases you used here were that clear...it could be interpreted as 'that type of guy who sends intimate pictures out of the blue/ before we've been intimate' rather than 'who sends intimate pictures ever'.

I still think he should have asked if you wanted to see it. But to me, doing something you've explicitly asked him not to do ever, is much harder to forgive than if he mis interpreted want you meant

BauhausOfEliott · 30/10/2025 16:16

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/10/2025 13:10

It is not about liking penises or not liking penises, it is not about libido. It’s about consent. It does not matter if lots of other women would like a wanking video. Sending one without consent is not okay, the same with any other sexual interaction. This is not a difficult concept to understand, and yet you have managed to go from lots of women not wanting non consensual dick pics, to all women on MN hate sex. I find this utterly mind boggling.

Show quote history

I completely agree about the consent thing; he should have asked first, definitely. It's a new relationship.

But - dick pics aside - I have been really surprised by how many people on Mumsnet (not just on this thread, but on lots of other threads too) profess to find penises gross, are repulsed by the idea of their partner wanking, think men are smelly and unhygienic and generally gross, deny ever getting turned on by reading/hearing/watching any kind of sexual content, never think 'Wow, he's hot' when they see a good-looking man, and say they would 'happily never have sex again' upon reaching the age of about 40.

It's really noticeable to me and I definitely don't think it's representative of women in general. I think it's one of those things where Mumsnet is skewed to a certain demographic.

Gloriia · 30/10/2025 16:29

'He sent me a message apologising if the video had upset me. I replied saying that it hadn’t upset me, but that it was unwelcome. He replied saying that he’d got it wrong'

Thing is it isn't so much he got it wrong it's more he has shown you who he is, so even if he doesn't do it again that doesn't mean he isnt wanting to.

If he says oo sorry I won't do it again I wouldn't be able to trust he wasn't sending wanking clips to other women. It takes a certain kind of performative creep to get off on stuff like this.

Redpeach · 30/10/2025 16:49

letmehaveathink · 30/10/2025 12:35

I'm clearly different to most women, as I would love this. The more I read MN, the more I realise how many women hate sex, hate penises and don't want sex. As a mid 50's woman, with a high sex drive, I find this utterly mind boggling.

Utter bollox, scuse pun

BMW6 · 30/10/2025 17:47

letmehaveathink · 30/10/2025 12:35

I'm clearly different to most women, as I would love this. The more I read MN, the more I realise how many women hate sex, hate penises and don't want sex. As a mid 50's woman, with a high sex drive, I find this utterly mind boggling.

Are you for real?

Women finding receiving one of these a turn-off does NOT in any way mean they hate sex or penises!

I'm well past it now but I LOVED sex and penises did the business for me - especially if attached ho a man with a wonderful SOH. Dildos and vibrators - even the famous Rabbit - not nearly so much (my late DH bought me one for Valentines day one year - I preferred him)

But a lot of women are not aroused simply by the sight of an erect penis or a bloke wanking - in fact I and many others are turned off by it!
I am aroused by more subtle things to start off - kissing being MY #1. If a man is a lousy kisser nothing is going to happen.

So do you understand that you cannot, must not, judge others by your personal preferences?

Or are you just a twat?

FoxRedPuppy · 30/10/2025 17:47

Redpeach · 30/10/2025 16:49

Utter bollox, scuse pun

Show quote history

Not bollocks. I’m also a woman (mid-40s) and enjoy sexting and such like.

FoxRedPuppy · 30/10/2025 17:49

Gloriia · 30/10/2025 16:29

'He sent me a message apologising if the video had upset me. I replied saying that it hadn’t upset me, but that it was unwelcome. He replied saying that he’d got it wrong'

Thing is it isn't so much he got it wrong it's more he has shown you who he is, so even if he doesn't do it again that doesn't mean he isnt wanting to.

If he says oo sorry I won't do it again I wouldn't be able to trust he wasn't sending wanking clips to other women. It takes a certain kind of performative creep to get off on stuff like this.

Edited

@Gloriia I disagree. Maybe he finds it arousing, doesn’t mean he’s sending them others. He has had sec with OP and they were engaged in a sexual conversation at the time.

Ive shared intimate photos and videos before (and very much enjoyed it). If my partner wasn’t into it, I wouldn’t do it. Doesn’t mean I’d start doing it with random men. What a weird assumption.

BMW6 · 30/10/2025 17:50

FoxRedPuppy · 30/10/2025 17:47

Not bollocks. I’m also a woman (mid-40s) and enjoy sexting and such like.

Show quote history

Good for you but the OP does not share your preferences.

And he knew because she'd told him.

Redpeach · 30/10/2025 18:11

FoxRedPuppy · 30/10/2025 17:47

Not bollocks. I’m also a woman (mid-40s) and enjoy sexting and such like.

Show quote history

Thats not what is bollox - what is, is implying one is a penis hater if one doesnt want a video of a a cock being wanked

FoxRedPuppy · 30/10/2025 18:21

BMW6 · 30/10/2025 17:50

Good for you but the OP does not share your preferences.

And he knew because she'd told him.

Show quote history

She didn’t. She said “I didn’t think you were that sort of man” when a photo took a while to download. That isn’t very clear. And several people on this thread have stated that wasn’t the clearest indication that she never wanted such a photo/video.

RosiePosie007 · 30/10/2025 18:51

Ask him If he sent gross videos of his dick to his late wife.

Sockdays · 30/10/2025 22:16

You were clear but he chose to ignore what you said.
At the very least he sounds a bit dim.
I really question the intelligence of the type of men that think most women want to receive these from men they have barely met.
Inexplicable.