How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

I just couldn’t do this to my in-laws. It’s really shitty behaviour.

If I'm totally honest, I just didn't think. They didn't occur to me when making plans for my own husband. We have been together 17 years and we never do stuff with his parents for our birthdays.

As the wonderful Jilly Cooper wrote, old people ( other people's family/PILS) are hard work. However, your old people ( your family) are absolute treasures). A lot of MN women like to fondly believe that their parents are superior. Other people's families are like foreign countries. They do things differently there. Not wrongly, just differently.
It does not sound as if your PILs are abusive, just that you cannot be bothered with them. Men who move on from their parents and embrace their wives family are men who have learned to emotionally detach themselves.and may well move on from their wives without a backward glance.

Because we prefer my parents company to his?

I agree.

Either no parents invited or both sets.

Turn it round OP, how would you feel if this were your DC’s. Their partners parents invited but not you.

I totally agree with this. It’s the not even talking to them about it and offering to include them. It would be fine if no parents were involved.

It’s weird to invite your parents on a 40th birthday trip, but if you’re going to, you should invite his parents, too. So yes, YABU and mean.

I wouldn’t believe your “Oops, I didn’t even think to invite you, sorry!’” if I were his parents and would be hurt.

If I were them I wouldn’t say anything but I would feel a bit upset. If you and your parents just didn’t think that makes you very thoughtless.

I’m surprised your parents have gone along with this too, with no mention or thought for your DH parents.

Says a lot about you all I suppose.

Shitty behaviour.

From your response though I don’t think anything said here will make any difference. As you’ve already said, “their hard work” “you get on better with your parents” etc, etc.

Maybe they don’t “make the effort” because they’re matching the energy?

You didn't think your husbands own parents might like to celebrate their own sons birthday?

Then you need to start thinking and invite them, or tell your parents they can no longer come.

I’m pretty laid back, but… I’d be really hurt that my son was celebrating his big birthday with his in laws.

You really misplayed this. I don’t know how you can come back from it, to be honest.

Go away as a couple or with your DC, yes. Go away with someone else’s parents? Wow.

Yep. I’d be hurt. If you have sons try and think about this applying to them. You give birth to them, love them, support them….and don’t get to celebrate their milestone birthday but the parents of their wife do!!!

Honestly I would be really cheesed off.

Yeah that's really bad, especially if you are away for his actual birthday! I can't believe between you, your husband and your parents none of you thought of them!

The only important opinion in this scenario belongs to our husband.

If he would not enjoy a holiday with his own parents that’s the deciding factor.

If his parents have anything to say about the matter he can deal with them.

Surely it's up to your DH. If this is what he wants. Did he not want to invite his own parents?

My husband wanted to go away over his actual birthday, I suggested going a couple of months earlier but he didn't want to.

Don’t your parents think this is odd OP?

Go away on your own, not with your parents.

I'd be very hurt.

I really think this is a situation where both sets if parents get an invite, neither do or just his do, since its his birthday.

How sad for them to be excluded from a family holiday on his special birthday

This would upset me but I would try not to show it.

Do they usually acknowledge/celebrate birthdays? Seems a bit mean if there is no back story.

Nah...
You are going on holiday with your dh and parents (happens to be over his birthday).
You are having a 40th birthday party when you get back and everyone is invited.

I don't see the issue...pil and my parents would have no interest in coming on a holiday with us.

and you say we never do stuff with his parents for our birthdays Why is 40th suddenly different

So it is on his birthday then? Yeah OP you’re so far out of line on this one I don’t even know how to describe it. They will be rightfully very hurt and you have behaved horribly. Invite them or move the trip.

I mean, having your face rubbed in the fact your son likes someone else’s parents more than you? Jeez.

I mean, life isn’t a popularity contest, but still!

Do you really to think about everyone involved when you make a plan?