How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

Op this is so incredibly hurtful. And damaging for not only your relationship with his parents but all his extended family who are all going to think less of you in future.

I agree with those who say your parents should not go.

Doesn’t matter if they’re hard work or who you both prefer. Though surely your husband loves his parents more. I mean he may superficially prefer a chat with your dad but your parents are your parents. I’d rapidly invite them if I was you. You’re totally unreasonable.

I’m shocked your parents haven’t brought this up as being inappropriate

I think you should change the date of the holiday so it’s just in the same month and not specifically a birthday trip. Or de-invite your parents so it’s just you two and DC.

But 'Happy Wife, Happy Life'. As some posters smugly announce.
Do you not think that encouraging men to have little contact with their parents is teaching them to emotionally detach from other relationships? It is not healthy.

Actually this is a fair point.

How could they not have said, 'Oh that sounds great, who's going?'

Or 'So your inlaws aren't coming then?'

Strange how the OP managed to book the flights and a 4 night break with no-one at all mentioning the inlaws.

What kind of son would allow this?! I'd be very upset if he was my child but I'd also lose a lot of respect for him if I was you. If the relationship was completely broken to a point where they didn't speak, that's fine. But if it's just a case of we don't have that much in common then it's just cruel.

My BIL celebrates his birthdays with his in-laws (partly because they live locally) over his mother - this really hurts my MIL.

Yes, I’d be upset. It’s a really clear, undeniable sign of your subconscious feelings about them. You don’t necessarily dislike them, but you’re indifferent about them to the point that they don’t cross your mind.

Not inviting them to the holiday initially isn’t offensive. But inviting your own parents to it and not even considering that the main reason you’re going also has parents…it shows you don’t think about them at all. I don't mean you don’t care if you didn’t think of PIL right at the time of discussion, but the fact they didn’t cross either of your minds until you’d already booked the tickets…ouch.

(That goes for your husband as well. It says a lot about his feelings about them that he didn’t bring them up when you brought up yours).

They said if we booked anything they would come, this was after we had a few drinks around theirs and some food. My husband was happy with that idea and said yes. My parents and my husbands parents dont speak or see each other so no I doubt it occurred to them.

For my 40th, I won't be going away with my parents or my in laws as I want to go long haul and neither set of parents go long haul anymore.

It is comparable to a Step Mum encouraging her husband to abandon his children from a prior marriage because his new children are nicer/more superior.

I think that’s what most mothers of sons feel like on MN.

I’d really like to think that any future wife of my son would at least value my part in his character.

I also hope she won’t think I’m an arse, because I’ll be doing my best not to be.

OP, what’s the real harm in asking them? There’s safety in numbers and they might say no anyway.

Could you reframe it and say you asked your parents to come so they could babysit and allow the 2 of you some adult time to celebrate his birthday? Will depend on their ages whether sounds plausible. Agree they will likely be hurt otherwise but it’s for your DH to decide.

I would be unbelievably hurt.

I'd be devastated and wonder what on earth I'd done wrong to upset you so badly.

Are your kids boys or girls..... just curious

I would be really hurt.

If there is a back story though it will all be from OPs perspective. Not her in-laws. This is exactly what I observe. The wife or partner judges DH or DP parents to be bad in some way because they are not exactly like her parents. She judges them and starts to indoctrinate DH into thinking his parents can’t be bothered/ don’t make enough effort/ are too intrusive/ don’t help enough / offer to help too much. You name it, the in-laws will be wrong. The DH or DP gives in for a quiet life.
years later the DW / DM wonders why her own sons are so wrapped up in their partners parents, not connecting the dots.

Also how would you feel if your DC did this to you?

OP, what do you think about step families where the husband is encouraged to ignore his children from a prior relationship?
My lovely family always include my husband's parents in family events and vice versa.

I am finding it very hard to believe anyone would do this.

Awful that you didn't consider his parents.

Surely it's your husband's job to consider his parents and invite them or not? Don't see what it has to do with you. Let him deal with it.

Can you not see it could feel like such a snub though

..."hey mum and dad, we are having a family holiday to celebrate my birthday with the kids and MickeyThunders parents.. "

I'd be really hurt if I was his parents and I think its cruel

Can you invite them and amend the booking to include them?

Normal holiday, or your birthday, fine. Their son’s birthday, and a big one at that!, yes they may be upset, and understandably

But this doesn’t explain the eagerness to invite your parents along and not his.

You have started this thread to ask whether people would be hurt.

You’ve got a resounding yes but you still don’t seem to see an issue.