How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

That is just horrible of you.
It can be very lonely being paternal grandparents!

His extended family only consists of one uncle who has never bothered with him and a sister he is not close too. We have a very small family.

Well I'd be upset if i was the MiL, but how likely are they to find out. How much do you talk to them? If you aren't that close and don't stick every detail of your lives on social media maybe they need never know?

That's big of you

I think if the holiday is "for his birthday" they would be justifiably offended.
However going away on holiday with your parents just "because" is not unreasonable.
So I think you need to make it "we're not having the party on his birthday because my parents wanted a joint holiday and that turned out to be the best week". Perhaps even postpone presents until the party (which saves having to transport them). If the kids are young, make sure they know that dad's birthday is being postponed until you are back.

I dont encourage my husband to have as little contact as possible, he is free to go around there as much as he likes!! Bonus points if he takes the kids.😂

Why did you suggest celebrating months earlier if you weren’t even thinking of his parents at this stage?

Youre lying, you did think about them but just chose to ignore it and book anyway.

Do you have a son? Let’s hope you don’t reap what you sow. No one is expecting you to invite them on holiday but to be away with your parents? Uncool.

His mother is not going to know he’s gone on holiday for his 40th birthday? And when she sees everyone the following weekend at the party noone (including the kids) will mention it?

You aren't at fault here, your in-laws are.

Their own son would rather be with your parents than them. If they haven't got a healthy loving relationship with their son, age 40 is a bit late to notice.

DP is like this. He loves my parents and will spend hours going head to head over a backgammon board with my Dad. Last birthday we ate at a restaurant near them and stayed the night. His parents were 3 miles away but we returned to our own region without dropping in because FP "couldn't face all the passive aggressive nonsense."

It's not your fault your husband isn't as close to his parents as he is to yours. Yes, they may well be hurt but that what happens if you don't invest in your adult children's lives.

Don’t mention it or if you do don’t say it’s specifically for his 40th. Make the party the 40th celebration.

Over the years we have done loads with my parents and almost nothing with Dhs parents. It would never have occurred to us to invite them on holiday or for dinner or whatever. They just weren't very involved as parent/inlaws/ grandparents except to DHs sister and her family. They got all the attention. Absolutely no one was ever irked in any way.

Do your parents not feel really awkward accepting the invite if your DH’s own parents haven’t been invited?

But wouldn't you realise it's on you, that you're not close to them?

This is the bit I don't get. His parents have to know they're not "holiday together close" in the way ops parents are? It cant be news

Crappy behaviour OP and you know it. I expect your husband's parents will be unsurprised even though they were good enough to raise the prize that is your husband.

Your in-laws sound like awful
cunts so don’t worry about it

So you're having a party for your dh when you come home.
How on earth are you not going to mention the holiday.

Sounds like you don't like them,that's fine but they are your dh mam and dad.
That's extremely hurtful.

It's going to cause a rift,you'll be to blame.
And let's hope your own dc don't follow your nasty selfish behaviour.

Another one just adding to the chorus of YABU, I suppose.
His mum and dad may not be sparkling company, but they raised, his mum likely gave birth to him, did the sleepless nights, mopped his brow when he was sick, dried his tears, taught him to ride a bike, supported him through school and uni, and they don’t even get a backwards glance on his birthday. And rather than feeling contrite for such an oversight, you want us to tell you it’s no problem.
I can’t believe that none of you can see how mean it is. In fact, I think you do know, and you’re hoping for some vindication here.

One of each... but our son has a severe disability and he will never leave home.

Why not go away with without any parents?

yes it does, doesn't it. .

If OP's DH was close to his parents, he'd want to invite them, surely. I wonder why he doesn't. That's what's relevant here.

Step forward a few years. Imagine you were the parent in law and your child's spouse arranged a weekend away for them including the spouses parents for a significant birthday and you weren't invited.
How would you feel, could you ignore it and move forward or would it sour the relationship.??
Theres your answer.

I have a DS and DIL like you. I’m never invited to anything, including my DS 40th birthday, but photos of DS and DGC celebrating with her family are regularly posted all over social media. I specifically asked if they were celebrating DGS 18th and was told no, then guess what photos of them celebrating with DIL’s family appeared on Facebook.
It’s extremely hurtful so please reconsider.

Does your DH really want his in-laws on his special birthday holiday?! I get on really well with my in-laws and have been on holiday with them a few times before but wouldn’t want them gatecrashing my 40th! Doesn’t really sound like a present for him to be honest!

and yes, my in-laws would be very hurt and confused in this situation, as would I be if my children did it to me, and as would my parents if DH did it to them.

I think you should invite them, sorry, you could just tell them where and when, if they're as idle as you say they won't book. It was foolish to invite your parents first. It would have been better if this was a no grandparents trip and another trip was with your parents.