How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

'His parents are hard work'?
Sounds very much as though perhaps you are also 'hard work' especially pulling a stunt like this.Just put yourself in his mothers shoes for a moment and imagine how you would feel😪

Sudden influx of new comments totally ignoring all the OP's explanations of why they aren't close to the PILs - weird...

Yes, lots of harsh judgy comments! Presumably not read the updates? 🤷‍♀️

Given the amount of threads here about Narc and toxic families, I’m a bit surprised… 🤔

I sense the relationship with them isnt strong for a reason i have a similar situation myself and feel very judged when i invest more time in my family and not his , but what some people don't consider is the why they atent top of the list in the first place , in my case they have always preferred spending time with my husbands sister who in our opinion is a diva and brings so much drama, you reap what you sow and im sorry that a lot of people just instantly say you have done the wrong thing as its hurtful to them, if your own husband is happy with the arrangement and its his own parents then i think its most probably the correct thing for you to do and you are having a lovely party they can come to to to celebrate. Why are we always the bad guys when in reality weve been the ones tolerating the crap for years ?

Oh here here , what a statement ! Honestly so true the guilt i feel not having a better relationship with Husbands parents yet they are utterly self centred !! And he prefers to be around my family he's much more himself
life isn't quite so cut and dry as a lot of MN readers make it out to be !

considering it’s his special birthday, and your parents have been part of the convo & going, yeah of course they are going to be bothered. Put yourself in their shoes.

And if that was your son, you wouldn’t be a little “irked”

Don't be mean, she's explained the dynamics, not all in-laws get on, but I do feel the need to point out as others have, it could cause a rift, especially as you say they can be difficult.
Maybe as someone suggested, your husband could tell them, but say we'd like to do ..... with you.
Good luck!

Does the "life is short" and "us women already spend a lifetime trying to make others happy" apply to the women in the grandparents generation too? It looks like you're saying the OP doesn't owe anyone anything because life is short, but people like her mum and MIL do owe her either cash or childcare before they deserve any time or consideration.

For the record, I think (like a lot of people in this thread seem to) that holidays with just one set of parents are absolutely fine, as is choosing which set of grandparents you prefer to spend most time with in general.

Doing this actually on her dh's 40th is still a bit tactless and not very kind, of both of them. My instinct is that neither of them, not just the dh, should have felt comfortable with the knowledge that his parents' feelings would potentially be hurt.

That doesn't mean I think the emotional, organisational, whatever other labour of finding a way to make up for that should have been the OP's - it should absolutely have been the dh's - but I feel like that discomfort should have been there at least.

Now of course the OP is implying the ILs are so bad that they deserve to be hurt, so it's all fine, but I'm a bit sceptical that if they're really that bad that fact wouldn't have made it into her first post.

It's their son's birthday. 40 years ago they were welcoming him into their lives. How can it be fair or sensible to cut them off from that moment? Even if you are not that close or get along that well, they gave him life, so let them be part of his life.
I would be really hurt if it were me.

I think what is more relevant is what they’ve done during those 40 years and it would appear from what OP has said that it’s not been anything that would make her DH want to celebrate his birthday with them.

Im horrified at your attitude!! It’s a special birthday so it’s a special day for his parents too, since his mother was the one who brought him into the world and those memories are always with them. You sound like a brat who’s only concern is about a backlash, not the feelings of the three most important people at the centre of this occasion. I wonder why he’s not close to them 🤔. Oh wait………!!

This would happen here, not because we hate my in laws but they are divorced and no one gets along (outside of our relationships with everyone which is pretty good). I think this sort of family holiday all together would be a living hell for most of them. We do go away with my parents a lot and wouldn't think twice about inviting them but DH wouldn't go if all of his parents (including step parents, who truthfully are the most 'normal' of the bunch) were coming.

Is it a special day for his parents though? You don't know them and you don't know his relationshp with them. Unfortunately not all parents are caring and interested in their children's adult lives.I think from what OP has said his parents wouldn't actually want to go.

Quite. In our family we really wouldn't see a 40th or a 50th birthday any differently to any others. We don't make a big deal out of people's birthdays at any time, to be honest.

I think where the OP has confused some of the people on this thread (and I'm with her, actually) is by not realising how important this would be to some people and what sort of relationships you all have with your parents/in laws. I certainly wouldn't have assumed this would be much of an issue because the relationships within our family mean it wouldn't. I'm as surprised as presumably @MickeyThunder is that all these people think is such an awful thing to do. I don't think she purposely drip fed or left anything out, more that we all have a different base for comparison because not all family relationships are the same. That's why she's wondering whether it would be a problem, not because she's an uncaring witch as some have tried to paint her, but because she genuinely doesn't know. If that were the case she wouldn't have asked, but maybe it's not as straightforward as some posters have made it sound given the variation in family dynamics. Her parents and relationship with them is clearly very different to that of her husband and his parents.

I see you have now added that you will not be on holiday on the actual birthday and that there will be a party to which your in laws will be invited. That changes things a little.
I still think they should have been invited to go on the holiday.
I get left out at times. It hurts.

Yes, you've articulated exactly how I see it, but much better than I could! I think that some people are projecting their own thughts about being left out of things by family, and I'm sure there are lots of cases where those people have been treated meanly - but I can see how OP got herself in this position without meaning any malice, a similar situation could easily happen in my family.

If your husband doesn't want them to go then I wouldn't worry but I do thinks its weird that for his birthday your parents are going but not his. Is he not close to his parents and is he close to yours?

Has that standard been led by you or by your husband?

But I wonder if he wants to leave because subconsciously he knows that you don't like them and want to leave. My brother is a bit like this with his partner, her family are round the house every day but she subtly makes it known that she wants some space whenever I (his only family) come over. For me to come over, it has to be planned but for hers they just drop in. She goes over to her families regularly with their daughter and a expects my brother to go along but she's never been to mine. My brother is a typical bloke and just goes along with what she wants. She doesn't ever explicitly says anything though, she goes huffy, moody or quieter and just says 'of course it's fine' when her body language says she's anything but. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but have a little honest reflect with yourself to see if you perhaps made him feel uncomfortable around his parents or if they are just toxic people.

If you don’t want his parents there you shouldn’t have yours either. Not for his 40th you know you’re doing something wrong and unkind, sorry.

Have they always been like that?

You have kids. Imagine them grown up and going away for a big milestone birthday without you but with their partners parents…. It’s not that hard to realise this before you booked the flights surely?!