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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

628 replies

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 18:22

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

OP posts:
Worried198423 · 27/10/2025 19:04

Aveen102 · 27/10/2025 19:01

If OP's DH was close to his parents, he'd want to invite them, surely. I wonder why he doesn't. That's what's relevant here.

I'm more leaning towards the op doesn't want them to be close.
So the dh mam and dad have backed off.
I think she should have asked them,cause this will cause a falling out.

Original poster
MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 19:04

SunnySideDeepDown · 27/10/2025 18:56

Why did you suggest celebrating months earlier if you weren’t even thinking of his parents at this stage?

Youre lying, you did think about them but just chose to ignore it and book anyway.

Do you have a son? Let’s hope you don’t reap what you sow. No one is expecting you to invite them on holiday but to be away with your parents? Uncool.

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The weather would be better if we went a couple of months earlier...... Its really that simple.

OP posts:
SeemedClear · 27/10/2025 19:05

Didimum · 27/10/2025 18:53

Surely it's your husband's job to consider his parents and invite them or not? Don't see what it has to do with you. Let him deal with it.

It is, but in my experience this is drilled out of them.

My once fun loving, popular, ex military brother met his now wife at the age of 22. Very slowly she controlled his opinions, picked off his mates, created drama with his family. He backed down in times of tension for fear of her reaction. Of course he put her first.

She pushed and pushed. She demanded. She continued her nights out with her friend, holidays with her family.

He is now the most miserable guy going. Bitter, sour, no friends, no hobbies and has destroyed our family.

Even his wife doesn't seem to like him anymore.

PinkyFlamingo · 27/10/2025 19:05

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 18:28

Yes we will be.

Weekend after I will be doing a party for him, which they will be invited too obviously.

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Oh obviously eh, don't put yourself out now 🙄

Fundays12 · 27/10/2025 19:06

I think its pretty mean behaviour given its there sons 40th birthday and you have actively excluded them in favour of your own family.

Aveen102 · 27/10/2025 19:06

Worried198423 · 27/10/2025 19:04

I'm more leaning towards the op doesn't want them to be close.
So the dh mam and dad have backed off.
I think she should have asked them,cause this will cause a falling out.

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Perhaps, but that's speculation. DH might have very good reasons for not being close to his parents.

outofofficeagain · 27/10/2025 19:07

Aveen102 · 27/10/2025 19:06

Perhaps, but that's speculation. DH might have very good reasons for not being close to his parents.

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If he did, I don’t think this thread would have been started.

Didimum · 27/10/2025 19:07

SeemedClear · 27/10/2025 19:05

It is, but in my experience this is drilled out of them.

My once fun loving, popular, ex military brother met his now wife at the age of 22. Very slowly she controlled his opinions, picked off his mates, created drama with his family. He backed down in times of tension for fear of her reaction. Of course he put her first.

She pushed and pushed. She demanded. She continued her nights out with her friend, holidays with her family.

He is now the most miserable guy going. Bitter, sour, no friends, no hobbies and has destroyed our family.

Even his wife doesn't seem to like him anymore.

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What's any of that got to do with the OP?

27pilates · 27/10/2025 19:07

It’s thoughtless OP. If you made the weekend away for another time, it would be ok. But that looks really bad tbh and doesn’t present you in a good light.

bluefluffytrees · 27/10/2025 19:07

I think it’s fine. It was a spur of the moment decision and ultimately it is your DH birthday and if that’s what he wants to do, It’s up to him! There can be another holiday with his parents.

Original poster
MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 19:08

PastaAllaNorma · 27/10/2025 18:57

You aren't at fault here, your in-laws are.

Their own son would rather be with your parents than them. If they haven't got a healthy loving relationship with their son, age 40 is a bit late to notice.

DP is like this. He loves my parents and will spend hours going head to head over a backgammon board with my Dad. Last birthday we ate at a restaurant near them and stayed the night. His parents were 3 miles away but we returned to our own region without dropping in because FP "couldn't face all the passive aggressive nonsense."

It's not your fault your husband isn't as close to his parents as he is to yours. Yes, they may well be hurt but that what happens if you don't invest in your adult children's lives.

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This is exactly it. My husband will spend hours chatting with my dad having a beer.

If we go to his parents, he wants to leave within the hour! We have even been there before and his dad didn't even come in from the garden to say hello to us or our kids!! Insanely rude, We left after 40 minutes that time.

OP posts:
Rosecoffeecup · 27/10/2025 19:09

This thread seems a bit pointless in that you are asking people how they would feel, but then you are at pains to say the relationship with PIL is such that you'd never go away with them anyway

So what do you think the issue is?

SeemedClear · 27/10/2025 19:09

Haveanaiceday · 27/10/2025 18:55

Well I'd be upset if i was the MiL, but how likely are they to find out. How much do you talk to them? If you aren't that close and don't stick every detail of your lives on social media maybe they need never know?

What…and ask her children to lie to their grandparents…

It gets worse!

IHateWasps · 27/10/2025 19:09

Of course they’re going to be hurt and badly too. I don’t buy that you’re that oblivious that doing this is cruel and wrong. No one would think anything of it if you just went with your husband but inviting your parents is a very deliberate snub. You might as well stick your fingers up at them and tell them to fuck off. It’d be less honest and probably less hurtful. I’m amazed that your husband is happy to go along with it and his parents. I’d be embarrassed at the very least in their situation and I can’t imagine accepting knowing that his own parents haven’t been invited.

Original poster
MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 19:09

Serpentstooth · 27/10/2025 18:58

Crappy behaviour OP and you know it. I expect your husband's parents will be unsurprised even though they were good enough to raise the prize that is your husband.

I didn't really get much say in who raised him😂

OP posts:
ColadhSamh · 27/10/2025 19:10

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 18:43

Because we prefer my parents company to his?

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No, because you have been thoughtless and cruel.
You discussed a holiday with your husband and parents, decided on where to go and how long for, agreed dates and never once thought of his parents?

Unless there is a huge back story the lack of respect shown towards his parents reflects really badly on you, your husband and your parents.

FuzzyPuffling · 27/10/2025 19:10

I'd be very, very sad and think badly of you both.

champagnetrial · 27/10/2025 19:11

I'm sorry you can't stick your in-laws. But on the bright side, sounds like you have enough whataboutery to justify excluding them. Enjoy your holiday.

Didimum · 27/10/2025 19:11

ColadhSamh · 27/10/2025 19:10

No, because you have been thoughtless and cruel.
You discussed a holiday with your husband and parents, decided on where to go and how long for, agreed dates and never once thought of his parents?

Unless there is a huge back story the lack of respect shown towards his parents reflects really badly on you, your husband and your parents.

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Why isn't it her DH's job to think of his parents?

Aveen102 · 27/10/2025 19:12

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 19:08

This is exactly it. My husband will spend hours chatting with my dad having a beer.

If we go to his parents, he wants to leave within the hour! We have even been there before and his dad didn't even come in from the garden to say hello to us or our kids!! Insanely rude, We left after 40 minutes that time.

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I think this explains it then. Let DH deal with the fall out, if there is any. But it sounds like they're not close, and I don't think PIL's are owed a place on the trip if their own son doesn't want them there.

Pallisers · 27/10/2025 19:13

I'd be very hurt but the dynamic in your family doesn't seem that close.

If I were you I'd say to my in laws "as it happens we are going away with my parents the time of his birthday so we'll be doing the celebration the following week. Looking forward to seeing you"

Don't tell them that the holiday is the birthday celebration even if it is.

pusspuss9 · 27/10/2025 19:13

Unless there is a huge back story the lack of respect shown towards his parents reflects really badly on you, your husband and your parents.

This is so true. I think it reflects especially badly on OP's parents, as they should have immediately noticed and said something.

Pushmepullu · 27/10/2025 19:13

Shame on you. You know it’s hurtful. From your comments it seems like his parents wouldn’t want to come, but if you were my DiL quite honestly I wouldn’t want to be around you.

myglowupera · 27/10/2025 19:13

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 19:08

This is exactly it. My husband will spend hours chatting with my dad having a beer.

If we go to his parents, he wants to leave within the hour! We have even been there before and his dad didn't even come in from the garden to say hello to us or our kids!! Insanely rude, We left after 40 minutes that time.

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I do get it OP. But you could have arranged a holiday that wasn’t framed as being for his birthday. It could have just been a holiday that happened to be close to his birthday.

His parents might not be great company, but the way you’ve gone about things it’s just going to cause a rift because even if they are rude they might still be hurt that you’ve actively excluded them from a holiday that you’ve said is to celebrate their son’s birthday.

NomoneyNoprospects · 27/10/2025 19:13

Its his birthday but she still had to endure childbirth and push him out that day. Now you're all having a jolly without her? Rude.

Clearly none of you like each other that much so just make it a total non issue, don't mention it then if it does come up say you got a fab last min deal and DON'T mention you were going as a celebration of his birthday.

They'll probably still be irked at you though.