Friend grabbed my child

[friends345]

I’ve been friends with let’s say ‘Louise’ for as long as I can remember.
I have a DC aged 3 and hers is 4.
we were out today and my DC had a toy Louise’s DC wanted.
Louise's DC was crying saying she wanted the toy. Mine wouldn’t give it.
I said to my DC ‘share the toy and take turns’ or something like that.

as my DC was walking passed Louise, she grabbed DC by the arm and pulled her back saying “no, you’re not having that toy’ and snatched it off her.
DC obviously got upset. I was shocked. I took DC to one side and comforted her.

I then went back to Louise. The kids went to play and Louise was saying “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something”.

so I replied that my DC is 3. A whole year younger than hers and she’s learning to share but she still shouldn’t have grabbed her. I let her know that wasn’t ok.

louise then backtracked and said she felt awful and that she only did that because that’s what she’d do with her own kids etc. she said she wanted to apologise to DC and she did apologise.

it was a bit awkward after that. She said to me “as soon as I did it, I couldn’t believe I’d done it and when you walked away with your DC I thought you might not want to see me again or be friends”.

i feel conflicted. My DC absolutely loves Louise’s DC and would be truly devastated if they couldn’t play together anymore. What would you do??

You are right to react how you reacted.

Physically grabbing and chastising a 3 year is absolutely out of order - even for a parent. So it's even worse to do it to someone else's child.

However, your friend seemed to understand that she'd got it wrong and she wanted to apologise to you both immediately.

If your friendship is otherwise positive and healthy then don't let this single incident ruin that.

Hope that your friend has learnt their lesson.

Louise only apologised after she had whined “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something” backtracking when the OP pointed out it wasn't ok. She only then 'apologised'. And seeing this is part of a pattern of behaviour of expecting the OP's younger child to give up her toys, biscuits etc when Louise's child whines and screams for them. This is not a single incident because from the OP's earlier updates Louise has form for being a bullying selfish woman. And clearly is bringing up her child to be the same.

Her protective instinct kicked in. No, the kid wasn't in danger, but we sometimes perceive things as a danger that aren't due to a high state of alertness around that thing. Spiders are not a threat to me, but my amygdala believes they are.

Louise is clearly not providing calm or consistent parenting. I would not allow my child to be in an environment where one of the adults is unable to control or manage either their emotions or those of their child.

Meet up as adults if you want to keep her as a friend (althoughshe doesn't sound like she brings much to the friendship) but don't have playdates again together.

This

I had utter trust and respect for all my mum friends and would have left my kids with them (and did) without a second thought. Still friends with them years later.

Her behaviour is dreadful - she’s not a good mum. I wouldn’t want my child around that sort of person. The values she’s instilling are not good.

Is she not 3? Seems normal to me.

You absolutely should stop all playdates immediately.

Louise is clearly not coping with parenting her child. Her child's behaviour is incredibly stressful for her, leading her to react in such ways due to losing her tether, but it's all down to her not asserting boundaries.

I'm rather horrified at this to be honest.

If you let the playdates continue, your child will be bullied into compliance, setting her up to be a people pleaser with no ability to assert boundaries. Believe me, those are not good traits to have as a woman in this world.

Please please please, for your child's sake, cut this woman and her spoiled bratty child out. There is no hope for that child unless Louise seriously sorts her parenting out, but I won't hold my breath for that to happen.

Protect your child.

Not necessarily no. My eldest barely said a word until she had just turned 3, and overnight she started speaking in full coherent sentences. We were amazed.

She was the same with walking, never crawled at all, then at 19 months old, she got up and walked, and walked and walked, didn't lose her balance, didn't fall over, and she literally walked a mile the following week when we were at an event. It was quite something!

Just because something isn't the norm, doesn't mean it didn't happen!

The toy was your dc toy? Why do they HAVE to share? I wouldn't share some of my possessions. Why does your child have to? Surely it's up to them to make a decision on their own toy?

I couldn't continue a friendship with this person. Your own child is having to put up and shut up! Advocate for your child. Make sure that your child isn't missing out because of your friendship, because it sounds exactly like they are.

If let it go but it's a red flag at half mast. If afw does it again I'd rethink the relationship

Was this a toy at the event or your childs toy? Whilst it is important to teach your child to share and take turns, your child shouldn't feel forced to share everything. If it is their toy you shouldn't make them share it.

I understand she said sorry, but Louise seems very invested in teaching her DC that they are entitled to take whatever they want by whatever means necessary. Inevitably your child is going to end up bullied or hurt by her child. You don't need to make a big deal of falling out but I would pull away from the friendship by being busy.

but she has done stuff like it before...not the physical grabbing but taking things away from the OP's child to give to her own.

but this is not the first time!

around a toy that her child wanted????? I am also wondering if she would have done the same thing if it hadn't been a small child but a hefty teenager boy?

but the friendship isn't otherwise positive and healthy, this woman has form!

Whats the point in maintaining the friendship? There is no point. You will have lost respect for her and wont be able to relax in her presence. If it was family then maybe but other than that this situation will remain stressful for you all the time you remain friends.
I have a good friend who has one child, they are very stressful to spend time with, she snaps a fair bit at her own child (and once at mine). The atmosphere is just stressful and hard, I've limited our time with them as tbh it just isn't enjoyable. My children are older, but they pick up on it and have talked about feeling stressed. Your child has also talked about not enjoying her time with this other parent, listen to your child.

I would walk away from that friendship.

Louise is an ineffective parent and expects your child to pander to hers - to the point that's she's got physically aggressive with your child.

This isn't a one off momentary loss of temper, it's simply an escalation of Louise thinking your child has to give in to hers every time, and instantly, because that's what she does.

Louise isn't going to get any better, her child is going to be horribly spoilt and your child deserves to see that this is not the way people should be behaving.

this.
You did a good thing to stay calm and then you also talked to your child about it afterwards, at home and you let her know that it wasn't OK and I think you've handled it well.

But you say that Louise has had a history of behaviour over sharing etc and I think she's got more comfortable with escalating it. Her comments were a bit aggressive and I wouldn't be happy with the way she's teaching her child to get what she wants, when she wants at the expense of others.

She did apologise, so I would take a view going forward, yet I think I'd also be quietly taking a step back and widening your DC's friendship circle. I'd never leave her unsupervised with Louise around.

A year is a HUGE difference in child development at 3 and she ought to know that. She sounds really pushy. Plus her apology effect was to guilt you into staying friends despite the behaviour.

I thought the same and actually went and watched a few videos of DD at 3 to sense check. Appreciate not all kids are verbal but for those who are this is realistic.

That's why I said "if".

Dump her ass then. Her kid will obviously grow up to be a twat too.

Hers is in school. Mine is in nursery until next September

Yes she’s just turned 3. I am often told by people they’re surprised she’s 3 because of how she speaks etc. she talks a lot and honestly surprises me sometimes with the things she comes out with. She’s quite small for her age but she is advanced with speech

My eldest child was extremely precocious and would easily have been capable of that conversation at that age. Apparently, according to my mother I was very similar.

Completely normal! My daughter and son would both have been able to say that at that age as would I (I have videos of me aged 3). None of us particularly “advanced” and lots of my friends kids could hold a decent conversation at that age too.