Friend grabbed my child

[friends345]

I’ve been friends with let’s say ‘Louise’ for as long as I can remember.
I have a DC aged 3 and hers is 4.
we were out today and my DC had a toy Louise’s DC wanted.
Louise's DC was crying saying she wanted the toy. Mine wouldn’t give it.
I said to my DC ‘share the toy and take turns’ or something like that.

as my DC was walking passed Louise, she grabbed DC by the arm and pulled her back saying “no, you’re not having that toy’ and snatched it off her.
DC obviously got upset. I was shocked. I took DC to one side and comforted her.

I then went back to Louise. The kids went to play and Louise was saying “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something”.

so I replied that my DC is 3. A whole year younger than hers and she’s learning to share but she still shouldn’t have grabbed her. I let her know that wasn’t ok.

louise then backtracked and said she felt awful and that she only did that because that’s what she’d do with her own kids etc. she said she wanted to apologise to DC and she did apologise.

it was a bit awkward after that. She said to me “as soon as I did it, I couldn’t believe I’d done it and when you walked away with your DC I thought you might not want to see me again or be friends”.

i feel conflicted. My DC absolutely loves Louise’s DC and would be truly devastated if they couldn’t play together anymore. What would you do??

@friends345

I think YABU. She was in the wrong and has said sorry, so I think you should let it go, and move on. Also, saying her child is a whole year older so should be much better behaved doesn't really wash tbh. You're acting like her child is 5 or 6 and yours is 2. Ain't a whole lot of difference between 3 and 4 really.

It's already dealt with, surely?

Louise could fuck right off as far as I'm concerned. If her kid eats their biscuit and is whinging she either provides them with another biscuit or tells them stop whining because they've had their biscuit and now your child is eating hers and certainly won't be giving it to her to stop her whining. Your child doesn't need to submit to hers.
When me and my friends children were younger and inevitably wanted the same toy at the same time they were either told to let each other have a turn - and the the one who has it currently can have it for a further 5 minutes and then it's X turn. If they couldn't stick with that - the toy got moved away and nobody had it. This was different if the one currently holding it was in their house with their own toy then they were advised it would be nice to let somebody else have a turn but they weren't forced to give it up.

Louise had no right to grab your child and although she's apologised this seemed to be a more extreme example of her wider behaviour. Your child might be friends with her child but honestly over the years they'll meet hundreds of kids and become friends for life with some and some will be in and out of their lives quickly.

I missed about your daughter saying Louise 'broke her arm' and your mother saying she could have pulled the arm from the socket.

I'm afraid that this is too much @friends345 This level of violence is absolutely not acceptable and you need to teach your daughter that we don't accept being treated like that, ever, and it's even worse than there seems to be a pattern of really not-good parenting.

Imo you need to really back away from this woman and protect your daughter.

Mine too. It runs in our family. We never shut up tbh. 😂

Why are people asking about the toy? It doesn’t matter who the toy belonged to - the issue here isn’t whether a child should share or not, it’s about whether an adult should grab someone else’s child!

@treesandsun
yes, I think there is a pattern. Although she can be really good with the kids, she can react very quickly if she’s stressed. And I could tell she was getting really annoyed that my daughter had the toy. And she had it for literally about 1 minute. It can’t have been any longer than that

It just gets worse and worse with every post.
I can't get my head around your mother being so appalled by what she saw, but not you.
Louise is unhinged and has huge form for behaving badly.

Your poor child should not be around her and her child again.
Protect your child.

As a one-off, considering the apology Id likely let it go.

But also just to be clear your DC doesnt have to share her toys. Its nice to share, and its rude to meet a friend and take toys you dont want to share, but sharing is about willingly giving something to someone. No way is snatching any better.

I wouldnt forgive her twice though. She cant scare your DC because hers isnt getting her way with someone elses things

Sounds like the issue isnt your DC sharing but hers taking whatever she wants

@Sockdays
what makes you think I wasn’t appalled? I was absolutely fuming inside. But I couldn’t react with aggression infront of my child. So I took her away, checked she was ok, got my mum to take her to play with her and I went and spoke to Louise. I don’t know what makes you think I wasn’t appalled?

@Laura95167
if you read my comments on the post. The toy wasn’t either of theirs. They found it on the floor.

But she does have to give it to her or deal with the screaming and hysterics, she has no option just to leave so you must be that option for her and never put her in such a position again, as you already know what will happen.

It sounds very much like the other child bullying her, with her mother as back up.

Please just keep your daughter away from these people. She's too little to have to learn to react forthrightly with aggressive people, although that is a lesson we all have to learn eventually and you are teaching her that unacceptable people will be tolerated by you.

have you actually read the thread?

@notthisagain2025
it feels difficult because they do get on very well a lot of the time. My daughter absolutely loves her and loves when we arrange play dates which is every weekend Almost.
They do their own well, and when I say we are going to meet up with them, she gets so excited.
But there are those difficulties I mentioned in my other comments

I think that if you do decide to see her again OP, you should tell her that you've done some thinking about her actions today, and while you accept that she apologised, you've noticed that she often takes things from your child to give to hers, and this is NOT OK. Ask her if perhaps you can agree a system between you whereby if one of the kids wants the toy that the other one has, you tell them that they must wait say 3 minutes, and that you will tell them when the time has come. I would also say that there should be no expectation of sharing food, so if her child says she wants the biscuit your child is eating, then she must firmly tell her no, and if she has a paddy about it, then she needs to warn her that she will be taken home if she continues, and then she MUST follow up, as this will help her learn that she can't just demand someone else's food, and expect to get it. If she's not happy to agree to this, then I really wouldn't continue the friendship, and I would certainly think twice before EVER leaving your child in her sole care. You said that you fell out with her previously, which tells me that she's not a very nice person, and the fact that she literally hurt your child in order to take something from her to pacify her own, is absolutely outrageous. Personally I would be distancing myself, but understand if you don't want to do that, because your daughter obviously likes having hers as a playmate.

@Givenupshopping

i agree with what you’re saying and I do actually want to distance myself. I already know that I am not planning to see her again any time soon because I am really angry about what happened.

it’s brought up a lot for me really in terms of my past. We have been friends for many many years. But she did treat me really badly when we were younger. When I look back, she was actually very cruel to me. Some of the things she did and said were horrific to be honest. I spoke with her a few years ago and told her she hadn’t been a good friend and she said she really wanted to remain friends because I was the one ‘truly good friend’ she had in her life. And she said she would do better.

since having children, she has been a lot better and I would now never tolerate anything of the sort of what she used to do. I’ve changed a lot. But when I was a child, a teenager, and in my 20’s, I struggled to stand up for myself which really allowed her to take advantage of me in many ways. It is different now.

but seeing that happen with my daughter flipped a switch for me. It’s made me question how I’ve had her as a friend all this time. Although she treats me better now and doesn’t do anything like what she used to, the fact she did it anyway still hurts. But doing something to my daughter feels different. I am more protective over her than I ever was over myself. And I’m different now. I’m almost 40.

my daughter loves her daughter so much so that does make it hard. So I do feel conflicted with that

@friends345 it was seeing my daughter affected by her dad’s behaviour towards me that gave me to courage to leave him. I would have just taken it for myself but as you say, the mama bear comes out for your children. Well done 💐

Teach your daughter how to stand up to poor behaviour by breaking contact / distancing yourselves - it will teach her about boundaries and that it’s okay to say ‘no, I won’t allow you to treat me this way’

You sound lovely but your friend sounds truly awful.

I can't get over the "well if she upsets my kids I will have to do something" comment.
What an aggressive woman.

Hopefully you don't have to see her again and can find better mum friends who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

I was the same as you when I was younger, found it so difficult to stick up for myself and I blame it on the fact that my parents were and still are such people pleasers.

I am lot different now lol brutal with a I don't care attitude and that's all since I have had kids.

Good luck and all the best in removing this toxic woman out of your and your daughters life.

That actually explains a lot.

She thinks it's acceptable to treat you like crap because it suits her. She only toes the line slightly because you pulled her up and she needs your friendship.

She very clearly thinks your daughter should be fulfilling the same role to her daughter as you did for her.

They would 100% have me walking away from the friendship. She doesn't actually care about you or your child, only the place you fulfil in her life, and her daughter's life. You're her emotional punchbag that she can treat like crap, and your DD is her DD's...

The friend would probably say the incident was the “mama bear” in her coming out too…

Honestly your daughter will get over reducing contact. She’s only 3. Time to make some other mum pals.

She is repeating the pattetn of your friendship.
Bullys don't change, I don't care what anyone says.
That is who they are at their core.
She is toxic and her presence around you and your child is not good.

Your daughter doesn't know any better, she is a child.
She needs you to step in and say No, this is a toxic environment and I dont want my child around it.

I have 4 children and have never witnessed another parent put hands on another child.
It is not normal to to it.....and she has form for inappropriate behaviour around you and your daughter.

Take control and stop contact now.
This isn't a one off, by a long shot.

@Sockdays
yes, I was thinking that it isn’t a normal thing to do. I can’t say I’ve ever seen a parent do that with somebody else’s child. I don’t even do that with my own child.

I think growing up with her, being a teenager and then in my 20s, there was a lot of emotional abuse. She was a bully really. But she was also one of my only friends. I didn’t really have many friends growing up. So she would get me to pay for most things, she would say things behind my back, she would tell people that I had called them names even when I hadn’t so then they would bully me as well. I didn’t know it was her who had said those things to them until months later, but even then I continued to be her friend.
there were many ways in which she took advantage of me, bullied me, let me down, but she’s been in my life this whole time.

she let me down when my dad died. I was going to see his body at the chapel of rest and I messaged her to say that I was absolutely dreading it. And she basically just replied telling me that she just got engaged and all she was talking about then was her wedding.

A few years ago when I was trying for a baby, I was having Fertility treatment and I kept having miscarriages. And then my friend got pregnant and sent me a scan picture. I was happy for her, but I was absolutely devastated to see the scan picture. And then she was sending me pictures of her bump every couple of months Which crushed me really.

I think this happening with my daughter has just brought it all back. Lots of memories keep coming to my mind of things that she did to me and how she treated me.

I have had several people treat me badly in the past and I have overtime cut them all off, but I haven’t done with her