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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend grabbed my child

279 replies

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:16

I’ve been friends with let’s say ‘Louise’ for as long as I can remember.
I have a DC aged 3 and hers is 4.
we were out today and my DC had a toy Louise’s DC wanted.
Louise's DC was crying saying she wanted the toy. Mine wouldn’t give it.
I said to my DC ‘share the toy and take turns’ or something like that.

as my DC was walking passed Louise, she grabbed DC by the arm and pulled her back saying “no, you’re not having that toy’ and snatched it off her.
DC obviously got upset. I was shocked. I took DC to one side and comforted her.

I then went back to Louise. The kids went to play and Louise was saying “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something”.

so I replied that my DC is 3. A whole year younger than hers and she’s learning to share but she still shouldn’t have grabbed her. I let her know that wasn’t ok.

louise then backtracked and said she felt awful and that she only did that because that’s what she’d do with her own kids etc. she said she wanted to apologise to DC and she did apologise.

it was a bit awkward after that. She said to me “as soon as I did it, I couldn’t believe I’d done it and when you walked away with your DC I thought you might not want to see me again or be friends”.

i feel conflicted. My DC absolutely loves Louise’s DC and would be truly devastated if they couldn’t play together anymore. What would you do??

OP posts:
LancashireButterPie · 27/10/2025 08:59

Actually thinking about it further, there's potentially grounds for safeguarding here.
If your DD tells nursery or a HCP that mummy's friend broke her arm, then they will absolutely raise that with social services who will want to know what you have done to protect your child and other children from Louise.

Eviebeans · 27/10/2025 08:59

I think if I really liked and got on with Louise myself I would say that I was happy to meet up with her but without the children if not it would be a no.
As you would probably have to be on watch for her child doing something to yours or for Louise grabbing your child etc it would feel too stressful for me
maybe Louise is keen to stay friends as she has been too hands on with other friends’ children and they have voted with their feet

Blueskies77 · 27/10/2025 09:00

Tiswa · 27/10/2025 00:50

I agree there is taking turns on communal equipment - so anything in a park/soft play is sharing/taking turns BUT there is an expectation about how long that turn is - a slide etc is one turn then wait a swing or a toy is a 2-3 minutes at least playing before passing over

Biscuits etc is one each no matter what happens

Louise needs to parent her child. I think would clearly tell her

  1. she NEVER touches or grabs your child again.
  2. yiur child will eat all their own snack and not share
  3. you accept taking turns but it has to be even and fair

and if those aren’t followed again drop her

100% this.

Ratafia · 27/10/2025 09:02

Does her child go to nursery? I'm quite sure she isn't allowed to get away with this behaviour there. It could be worth pointing that out to Louise. If she doesn't go to nursery, maybe you need a gentle conversation about how her child need to learn to accept "No" as an answer before she goes to school, otherwise she is being set up to fail.

Bushmillsbabe · 27/10/2025 09:05

My first thought was give them another chance, everyone has a bad day sometimes. However your updates indicate this will be an ongoing issue as she has a different parenting style to you so will constantly clash.
If you want to continue the friendship, I would do so without the children and meet as adults. You will make lots of parent friends when your child starts school.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 27/10/2025 09:17

I would be withdrawing from her pretty quick. Not the kind of person you need to be around, kids learn from the people around them.

Helphjjjjb · 27/10/2025 09:18

I would end the friendship. It is great you told DC that what happened was not their fault and the person was inappropriate.

clarepetal · 27/10/2025 09:20

Rtmhwales · 27/10/2025 00:19

I’d let this go. She said she realizes she shouldn’t have done it and apologized to your DC. People make errors in judgment and don’t always think things through. I’m assuming your DC wasn’t hurt, just startled? It’s up to you, but if it’s generally been a good friendship and you felt the apology and explanation were authentic, I’d let this go and move on.

Exactly this.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 27/10/2025 09:22

She showed her true colours. You stood up for your child. If your child likes playing with the other one, why not just use the situation for your child's social development, make sure the other woman does not do this to your child again, and, when they have both started school, try to let this one go and find new people.

usedtobeaylis · 27/10/2025 09:26

Children do need to learn to share but they're not actually required to just because another child wants something. Your daughter seems to be currently getting the message that what the other child wants, the other child gets, to her own detriment, and to the point your friend is behaving aggressively in facilitating that dynamic. In this situation it's the other child that has a problem sharing and that is coming from your friend. You have handled it pretty well with your own child. I would step back for a bit.

chattychatchatty · 27/10/2025 09:28

Your friend may have had poor parenting growing up. I’d give her a second chance and not mention it again but be very watchful around her and her DC. Did your DC find it very upsetting - are they OK being around your friend now?
I’ve just read your other replies and personally I don’t think I’d feel comfortable being around this friend and her DC; your friend clearly has issues with her temper and they are in a pattern where her daughter expects to get what she wants by behaving badly, and your friend can’t control her emotions so shouts or is physical. I wouldn’t want my DC witnessing all of that.

ThejoyofNC · 27/10/2025 09:31

Your updates have now made this sound far worse than the OP did. After reading them I wouldn't let her near my child again. I can't believe you let her yank your child by the arm, I'd have ripped that woman's arm clean off.

DottieMoon · 27/10/2025 09:37

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:33

@Dazzlemered
I have felt bad all evening for being ‘too’ calm. Because I was really annoyed and I perhaps should have told the friend infront of DC so she could see I was protecting her.
I did speak to DC when we got home. I asked her what was her favourite parts of the day and the worst parts. The worst part she said “when Louise broke my arm and hurt me. But she did say sorry for breaking my arm”

I agree that you were 'too' calm and feel bad for your kid you didn't protect them instantly as you say. I understand in the moment you were probably shocked, caught off guard and didn't know how to react.

However, I would not be friends with someone who put their hands on my child in such a way ever again. You've been too calm since!

DottieMoon · 27/10/2025 09:41

friends345 · 27/10/2025 07:57

@PersephonePomegranate
she grabbed her upper arm firmly and pulled her back and it did seem a bit aggressive. My mum was there as it was an event we were at and my mum looked at me really shocked. As I took my DC away my mum followed me and said “what the hell did she do that for? She could have pulled her bloody arm out of her socket!”

Wow...and you're are considering continuing this friendship. You need to wake up.

ridl14 · 27/10/2025 09:45

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:30

@MustbeLoveontheBrain
thats the thing, this sort of thing with the toy does happen often. If they have biscuits and Louise’s child finishes hers first and wants my DC’s, she’ll cry and Louise will just say “can my DC have yours biscuits because she’s upset” or will just take it. Whatever it is. Because hers will cry and wail so she’ll just get my DC to give. This has happened a few times but the first time she’s grabbed her.

Well she sounds like an awful parent tbh

2chocolateoranges · 27/10/2025 09:47

Not a friendship I’d be continuing with, no one puts a finger on my child.

her dd sounds like a total brat and it’s mums lack of boundaries which has caused it,

another parent that can’t say no to their child.

find new friends.

Uptightmumma · 27/10/2025 09:47

I would be reducing/cutting contact. Not just because of this issue but because he child is brat and your child is being bullied and will end up being a walk over/bullied her whole life If this continues.

PixieandMe · 27/10/2025 09:49

I was going to advise that you just let this go because Louise apologised, however:

'If they have biscuits and Louise’s child finishes hers first and wants my DC’s, she’ll cry and Louise will just say “can my DC have yours biscuits because she’s upset” or will just take it.'

After reading this, I wouldn't and couldn't be friends with someone like that.

CrowMate · 27/10/2025 09:50

I don’t think you were too calm in the moment. You looked after your child and didn’t escalate any frightening behaviour. Your child got an apology, which modelled good behaviour.

I would now be completely distancing myself and my child.

Fannyannie · 27/10/2025 09:56

Agree with all the comments. I could not trust this person to look after my child on an unsupervised play date.

Obviusly we love and prefer our own children , but you have witnessed her not being fair considerate and also aggressive

I would monitor but the very next thing I would be out of the friendship.

Brefugee · 27/10/2025 09:58

friends345 · 27/10/2025 00:30

@MustbeLoveontheBrain
thats the thing, this sort of thing with the toy does happen often. If they have biscuits and Louise’s child finishes hers first and wants my DC’s, she’ll cry and Louise will just say “can my DC have yours biscuits because she’s upset” or will just take it. Whatever it is. Because hers will cry and wail so she’ll just get my DC to give. This has happened a few times but the first time she’s grabbed her.

why haven't you stopped that after the first time she spouted that bollocks.

ScrollingLeaves · 27/10/2025 09:59

GarlicBreadStan · 27/10/2025 08:51

She apologised because OP pulled her up on it. She wouldn't have if OP wouldn't have said anything. I know people like 'Louise'

Show quote history

Thank you for correcting me @GarlicBreadStan you are right. I had missed that.

Ohnobackagain · 27/10/2025 10:00

@friends345 what happened this time sounded like she knew she overstepped and regretted it. I’d accept the apology and monitor. But, the ‘biscuit taking’ is a whole other problem (and anything else like it).That’s her avoiding parenting her child by taking your child’s biscuits (should be saying ‘no, you finished yours, those are Fred’s’). She’s not giving her own child any boundaries. If you stay friends, I think you need to draw lines for her and see if she oversteps persistently, or things change. I think it is good you kept calm but now you have spotted the pattern you probably need to have a conversation with her and see how things go.

QuickPeachPoet · 27/10/2025 10:02

She sounds like a crap mother to be honest. No wonder her child communicates by whining and snatching.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 27/10/2025 10:04

Your poor dd.

This isn't a good friendship situation for you or for her! Put some time into trying to meet some new mum friends. She will be starting school soon enough though anyway tbh, and then will have little pals at school. Don't overthink it, just step away, it's not a nice friend for you or for her.