Friend grabbed my child

[friends345]

I’ve been friends with let’s say ‘Louise’ for as long as I can remember.
I have a DC aged 3 and hers is 4.
we were out today and my DC had a toy Louise’s DC wanted.
Louise's DC was crying saying she wanted the toy. Mine wouldn’t give it.
I said to my DC ‘share the toy and take turns’ or something like that.

as my DC was walking passed Louise, she grabbed DC by the arm and pulled her back saying “no, you’re not having that toy’ and snatched it off her.
DC obviously got upset. I was shocked. I took DC to one side and comforted her.

I then went back to Louise. The kids went to play and Louise was saying “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something”.

so I replied that my DC is 3. A whole year younger than hers and she’s learning to share but she still shouldn’t have grabbed her. I let her know that wasn’t ok.

louise then backtracked and said she felt awful and that she only did that because that’s what she’d do with her own kids etc. she said she wanted to apologise to DC and she did apologise.

it was a bit awkward after that. She said to me “as soon as I did it, I couldn’t believe I’d done it and when you walked away with your DC I thought you might not want to see me again or be friends”.

i feel conflicted. My DC absolutely loves Louise’s DC and would be truly devastated if they couldn’t play together anymore. What would you do??

I would ditch the friendship because she obviously can’t control her emotions and your 3 year old won’t be devastated if they don’t see their friend again.

I was sympathetic but the more you post the more I wonder what kind of parent exposes her child to this type of person.

Louise needs to learn to tolerate some distress from her daughter otherwise she will not be able to set any boundaries. You need to be a bit more assertive if you want to stay friends e.g. "they've got 2 biscuits each, DD doesn't have to share". Or "DD has only just got on the trike, I'll give her 3 more minutes." Etc. Step in and set expectations before Louise takes matters into her own hands. Or end the friendship.

Next time you see Louise, grab her handbag and take her car keys. If she objects to you taking her car, remind her she needs to share.

I didnt expect that she turned around and apologised. I think she really did feel bad about what she has done on the spur of the moment.

On the side, children dont need to share their toy if dont dont want to. Its a stupid concept. Adult dont share their precious possessions either.

@BoringBarbie I agree this is what it must be like for a three year old being forced to share.

My friends are like my family so this wouldn't end a friendship. She apologised very well. Her first reaction was obviously part of her automatic reactions. It is instinctual to protect your child, but of course she took it too far.

Doesn't sound like she's a particularly close friend anyway? In which case I'd sack her off to be honest as I'd actually be quite angry.

Why do parents feel they should force their children to share?

Do you share your things with others?

Louis need to address her own mother guilt. Also need to learn about how children experience emotions and how to support her child without giving in just for the sake of stopping the crying.

It sounds like her parents left her perhaps to cry without support or has other issues from her own childhood.

Prior to this we did have a rocky friendship, she treated me badly

You don't need Louise in your life, it sounds like shes a lot of drama, and your child isn't getting a lot of enjoyment from interactions with her and her child either.

I'd knock it on the head now. Take your daughter to some mum and toddler groups, or join an app like you've suggested. There are plenty of nice mums out there ☺️

Gosh OP, having read your updates I do think you should pull away from Louise. It sounds like the incident is something your daughter might always remember. I’m not saying that to worry you, but I just think it’s probably better that Louise is no longer in your life and then your daughter will move on from it more easily … plus of course you need to avoid any more of the negative effect of being around Louise and her DD and their behaviour.
You'll make other ‘mum friends’ easily, especially when your girl starts nursery and school.
X

This is sounding worse and worse. No friend is better than a friend like that. I think you should definitely invest more time trying to make other connections. Where do you live? I have a DD who is almost 3. If you live local to me I would meet up with you for a playdate to spare you from enduring anymore of Louise's nonsense. She sounds awful.

I wouldn't leave my child alone with her. Not even for 1 minute.

But if you can put boundaries in place when you are with your child constantly and she knows not to touch her again or shout at her and so on. Then being friends should be OK.

She took her frustration out on your DC, rather than her own who deserved it.

Her parenting skills are lacking inasmuch it's clear that she's just giving in 'for an easy life' because of laziness and as a consequence, her DC thinks if she screams long and loud enough she'll get what she wants; she'll likely end up yet another entitled teenager who thinks the world revolves around her. 🙄

Your poor DD; if she felt her arm was 'broken' then it must have really hurt her. Can't believe neither you or your DM said anything more assertive at the time; I'd have told her in no uncertain terms that she was out of order, out of earshot of the DC, made an excuse to leave and followed it up with a text or phone conversation that she NEVER lays a hand on your DD again. Fizzle out this 'friendship' OP; she's not a nice person...

She wasn't protecting her child though, she was proactively aggressive because her child wanted something another kid had, and that's what bothers me reading it. The OP's poor kid has been getting the brunt of a ton of self-centredness from parent and child. She does have the apology going in her favour but it doesn't suggest anything is changing about the dynamics.

she hurt your child because she was frustrated at her own child and wanted her kid to shut up, so your kid was seen as the problem.

She hurt yours to placate her own.

Louise is a prick.

I would agree if she had snapped verbally under pressure, but she physically assaulted OPs child just because her kid wanted a toy! She hurt her in anger.

What message does that give the child if mum just shrugs it off?

What the hell. She's bringing her dc up as a spoilt brat and your dc is paying the price. My dc wouldnt have thought to cry-demand another kid's biscuit as well as their own as they didnt see it as an option.

Well they do say familiarity breeds contempt, and I think that's just what's happened here. There is nothing good about it.

Louise sounds wet AF.

Unless dealing with someone else’s child.

Anyone who said they were going to 'do something' regarding my child would not be anywhere near my child again, I don't tolerate threats. what the hell was she planning to 'do'?

Your child will soon make other friends of her own age, going forward a child who is a year older will start school before yours and make new friends and most likely move on from your DD, so the friendship would likely have faded anyway.

I wouldn’t make a child share just because another child wants that toy. It’s just teaching her kid that they can cry and get whatever they want. At 4 she should have just said wait till other child is finished with it.

Yeah that is quite impressive language skills for such a small child…

She sounds dreadful. See her without your kids if you must, but if she did that in front of you AND your mum. Jeez.