Friend grabbed my child

[friends345]

I’ve been friends with let’s say ‘Louise’ for as long as I can remember.
I have a DC aged 3 and hers is 4.
we were out today and my DC had a toy Louise’s DC wanted.
Louise's DC was crying saying she wanted the toy. Mine wouldn’t give it.
I said to my DC ‘share the toy and take turns’ or something like that.

as my DC was walking passed Louise, she grabbed DC by the arm and pulled her back saying “no, you’re not having that toy’ and snatched it off her.
DC obviously got upset. I was shocked. I took DC to one side and comforted her.

I then went back to Louise. The kids went to play and Louise was saying “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something”.

so I replied that my DC is 3. A whole year younger than hers and she’s learning to share but she still shouldn’t have grabbed her. I let her know that wasn’t ok.

louise then backtracked and said she felt awful and that she only did that because that’s what she’d do with her own kids etc. she said she wanted to apologise to DC and she did apologise.

it was a bit awkward after that. She said to me “as soon as I did it, I couldn’t believe I’d done it and when you walked away with your DC I thought you might not want to see me again or be friends”.

i feel conflicted. My DC absolutely loves Louise’s DC and would be truly devastated if they couldn’t play together anymore. What would you do??

Why is Louise framing this in terms of your daughter's behaviour and ignoring what her own child was doing? How would she have reacted if you'd told her daughter off for repeatedly asking for the toy when your daughter did not want to share?

I am a bit shocked that Louise physically admonished your daughter but seems less concerned by her own daughter's behaviour.

In view of your updates, I would distance myself from her. She sounds aggressive and self-absorbed, things are only going to get worse as she puts herself and DC's wants ahead of everyone else. She will soon expect you to do the same and the toys will come out of the pram when you don't. I wouldn't put my DC through it.

I would hazzard a guess that others maybe have distanced themselves too if Louise thinks her DC should always get her way hence the apology and worry you won't want to see them. Tbh I would step back. If she is a friend outside if kids id just maintain that and not do playdates.

She put her hands on your child in anger. That would be the end of the friendship for me. I don't care how much she apologised.

I would have nothing more to do with her. She wrenched a toy out of a 3 year old hands by grabbing her arm hard enough to hurt. This was apparently okay because her child, who was a year older, was bawling about wanting the toy. Apparently in Louise's world if her daughter wants something Louise will help herself (like the biscuits) or use force if she has to. Her daughter is very likely going to turn into an utter brat. Protect your child by having nothing further to do with Louuse. Your child will make other friends.

Not read the full thread yet but wanted to quote this reply of yours @friends345 If you have witnessed this behavior from your friend or their child taking biscuits or snacks off your child because they’ve finished theirs and then wants your child’s - then you need to put a stop to this immediately and start putting your foot down! This is absolutely not ok and tbh I’m shocked if it’s happened more than once tbh! Re your original post, she apologized and you’ve spoken about it so let it go BUT I’d be keeping a very close eye in future AND I’d be a bit more forthcoming with the ‘no, child is playing with that for now, you have your turn soon’ etc.
It is ok to be more assertive, just bloody hard sometimes x
None of what I’ve said is meant as a criticism either, I do get it, I’ve been there xx

Why should DD automatically share if it's her own toy anyway? Louise sounds like a nightmare.

Yeah that’s mental. I’d give Louise a wide berth from now on. She sounds like she has problems with anger / perspective / self-control that will come out in all sorts of little ways.

I would distance myself from her, but if you don’t, make sure you don’t leave your child alone with her.

I would be careful about overreacting here. She overstepped and realised and immediately apologised to both you and your child. Just keep an eye on things in the future. Obviously, two strikes and she's out. But I'd think hard about immediately ditching a friendship over something like this. Parenting is hard, and none of us gets it quite right at all times. I would show her a little grace in this situation.

It’s good she apologised but I won’t hang out with people who expect everyone to cater to their kids every whim. It’s weak parenting, it’s rude to everyone else, and it results in a spoilt child. Recipe for disaster.

Imagine someone doing this to a 3 year old first of all, and for the sake of making their little 'angel' happy?
I've first hand seen this kind of person and it doesn't get better. Actually got worse.
It's kind of pathetic and it will probably turn your friend's child into a bully if she doesn't reign it in.
Just be very mindful and any more incidents like this, walk away.
Honestly, some friendships are not worth it.

Was just going to say this. The children will be older soon and I would end the friendship before the playdate age.

Louise apologised, but not in a way that sounds genuine (the “I couldn’t believe I did it as soon as I had” spiel when you push back which does not match her initial “I’ll do something about it” speech straight after). And your DC sounds like she’s been losing out to her DC for a while.

I would decide what you would like to see in terms of your DCs’ relationship and bring it up, either very deliberately the next time you chat, or be prepared to step in the next time Louise’s DC starts trying to get something from yours. For me it would be something along the lines of “Sharing doesn’t mean [Louise’s DC] gets whatever she wants from everyone else. She needs to learn she can’t just take things of others.” (This might not be the right balance if your DC often wants and gets things Louise’s DC has - but it sounded quite one sided above).

And if Louise isn’t prepared to accept that perhaps keep it as an adult friendship and stop getting together with DC.

Maybe if you are going to hangout with Louise and child get some phrases ready for when her child behaves like this. Practice saying them in an assertive, not aggressive way, and who knows, maybe Louise will copy you. If her child has a strong nature she may just be struggling to deal with her. I would definitely be keeping an eye on things though and definitely not leaving your child alone with Louise. And as pp says 2 strikes and you're out.

I think Louise and her dc needs to learn hiw to share. Sharing is not demanding a toy (or something else) and expecting to be given it. It involves waiting your turn.

Louise is raising a spoilt kid.

I think if your initial post had said that this was a physical escalation of the attitude that your friend has towards your child for some time rather than framing it as a one off the responses would have been very different. This adult is getting your child to give up toys or their snack to placate their own child because they can’t parent their own child appropriately. How long before her child starts physically taking things from your child, because they want them and have learned from their mum that this is an acceptable thing to do? I would be stopping any 2 family outings and watching the mum like a hawk in any group settings now she has laid a hand on your child.

Wow your friend shouldn't be doing that to your child. It's good she was sorry but I'd have cut it off there. It sounds like she has a difficulty telling her child no, to be patient and wants them to stop crying immediately.

She sounds unhinged and one thing is for certain, she massively dislikes your daughter

I’d let it go this once, but my God if she ever fucking touches your kid again, that’s enough.
This would make me absolutely furious. How dare she. I hope your child isn’t having playdates alone with this woman and her child. Who knows how she’d treat your daughter if you aren’t around.
it’s not ok at all, what she did.

I wouldn’t leave my child alone with her. Ever.

Don't meet up again with the kids. This will definitely rub off on your child eventually.

Whether you continue to meet up with her on her own is up to you.

This. Shocked at others saying what’s the issue if she apologised. Not a fucking chance

She did apologise quite comprehensively rather than trying to brazen it out and that's something, but I don't think I'd be able to relax hanging out with her and the kid again.

Put it this way OP, would you ever have done that to her child? Bet you wouldn't. If Louise is able to lose control to that extent with your kid once, she'll do it again probably.

I would find it very hard to remain friends with this woman, and would only see her away from the children if I were to. She is basically saying what her child wants is more important than what your child wants or may need. As long as there are other toys to play with and is not something like a swing, sharing is learning to wait until another child has finished playing with a toy, and not (the child) snatching it from them, or in this case their parent doing it for them, which is very shocking. Your friend is behaving like a one or two year old and setting a terrible example to her child that she can have what she wants by force.