Friend grabbed my child

[friends345]

I’ve been friends with let’s say ‘Louise’ for as long as I can remember.
I have a DC aged 3 and hers is 4.
we were out today and my DC had a toy Louise’s DC wanted.
Louise's DC was crying saying she wanted the toy. Mine wouldn’t give it.
I said to my DC ‘share the toy and take turns’ or something like that.

as my DC was walking passed Louise, she grabbed DC by the arm and pulled her back saying “no, you’re not having that toy’ and snatched it off her.
DC obviously got upset. I was shocked. I took DC to one side and comforted her.

I then went back to Louise. The kids went to play and Louise was saying “your DC needs to learn to share. If she’s upset my kid then I’m going to do something”.

so I replied that my DC is 3. A whole year younger than hers and she’s learning to share but she still shouldn’t have grabbed her. I let her know that wasn’t ok.

louise then backtracked and said she felt awful and that she only did that because that’s what she’d do with her own kids etc. she said she wanted to apologise to DC and she did apologise.

it was a bit awkward after that. She said to me “as soon as I did it, I couldn’t believe I’d done it and when you walked away with your DC I thought you might not want to see me again or be friends”.

i feel conflicted. My DC absolutely loves Louise’s DC and would be truly devastated if they couldn’t play together anymore. What would you do??

She sounds bloody awful.

Protect your child from this kind of 'friendship' and move on. You don't want her having these kinds of experiences with the entitled child, do you?

Now is the time to make that cut @friends345, both you and your child deserve better.

She sounds toxic AF.

She is truly awful.
Surely you want more for your own child than be witness to such a toxic person and her child?

Agree with sock I’m older now and spent many years with other parents and children and no one behaved like this to someone else’s child!

I would be concerned that you are under confident hence putting up with this treatment for years

If she could do that in front of you, imagine what else she'd do behind your back?! It's not normal. She even said to you, she thought you'd stop being her friend over it, because that is the normal response. Because you've brushed it under the carpet, she now thinks you're weak and wouldn't ever advocate for your child. You're basically saying it's okay to bully your child, and you'll still be friends! You need counselling and to cut her off. You will be okay and you will make friends elsewhere.

@GAJLY

How have I brushed it under the carpet?

Because a really furious response, where you instantly removed yourself and your child would be the norm.

She yanked your childs arm, and hurt them.
I have never ever witnessed such a thing in all the parties, outings, soft play centre's I have been to.

Its a complete Nono.

Now we learn she has been a vicious bully to you over many years.

She is still bullying you and now your poor child.

Your mothers response is the only normal healthy one in this whole situation.

You should have ended contact with her completely, ages ago.

If this is the case then you need to put a boundary in place and you can do that very politely.

"Aw X wants what Y has because she's finished hers can she not just have Ys?" "No, because that's not fair for Y and its not Ys job to go without so X can avoid managing difficult emotions, I understand that's hard for children Xs age but it just takes practice" if she persists in asking or goes to take something off your child then I'd say "look Louise, this feels uncomfortable for me to bring up because I really care about you both, but there's been a few times now where you've expected my child to go without or have less than your child because your child gets upset and that's unfair. It's my job as Ys parent to stand up for her until she's old enough to do it for herself so this is me telling you that when we hang out things need to be fair for both girls, even if X gets a bit upset. I completely understand you might feel pressure to keep X happy when you're out with us but I'm happy to support you and if you need to take time to settle her that's okay - I get that, but things really need to be fair."

@Sockdays

I don’t know if you have read all my comments. I picked up my child and removed her from the situation. I didn’t act aggressively in front of my child because that’s not the sort of parent I am.

My mum whispered to me as we walked away, so the comment that she made was not in front of my friend it was to me directly when we were out of earshot.

When she asked me what she had done that for… my mum whispered to me as we walked away.

Then I asked my mum to look after my daughter while I spoke to my friend which is what I did. That was when she apologise afterwards and then spoke to my daughter and she apologise to her and I’ve now said I am distancing myself. So I’m unsure whether or not you have read or understood any of my previous comments in this thread.

I really am not trying to get at you.
I understand that this is a lot to take in.
I have read your posts.
You moved your daughter to one side, comforted her and then returned to Louise who felt comfortable telling you what your child needs after manhandling her.

My point is Louise is NOT normal.
Her behaviour is NOT normal.
She is a nasty witch.

Your history with her influenced your response.
She has behaved so badly towards you.

She is a poisonous witch.
I have never raised my hand to another person, but I don't know what I would do if anyone layed a hand on my child.

She is a terrible person, an awful mother and no doubt will raise a child in her likeness.

You need to realise you and your daughter deserve better than her in your lives, because you really do.

In light of your updates, OP, it seems your friend has conditioned you to accept her behaviour. It's outrageous and most people would have had a much stronger response, which is why they are finding yours puzzling. I think for the sake of your own mental health, as well as your child's self esteem, you need to drop this friendship. She has done a number on you and things will only get worse if she has a mini me joining in.

Your friend is a bs shitter and a hypocrite. She only apologised because you called her out, not because she crossed a line. Given her parenting style track record that guff about intervening because that’s how she would have done if her daughter had behaved similarly, is exactly that, guff.

It’s difficult maintaining friendships when parenting philosophies don’t align.

I would talk to her away from the children and

Why on earth are you still friends with this horrible woman and allow your daughter to be treated badly by her and by her child too?

Now that you've given us more details of the way this 'friend' treated you in the past OP, I take back what I posted earlier, don't even try to set up a way of managing her demanding daughter's behaviour together, just keep your lovely little one away from her, and her mother. It sounds like the daughter is seeing her Mum basically bully you and your daughter, into getting her what she wants when she screams for it, and if this continues, she will then start getting physical with your DD herself. I know your DD likes this child, but she won't for much longer if you allow her to keep seeing her. Get out in the world and make some more Mum friends, so that your little one gets to chose which kids she likes, because she gets to see different behaviours, ie, she likes your 'friends' child because she appears to be the only one she plays with at present, but if you make more Mum friends, your LO will get to meet other kids, and she will realise that they don't all try to steal her toys and her food, so will like them better. Hope that makes sense?

It’s not even a “parenting philosophy”. It’s me and mine are more important that you and yours now get the fuck out of our way. Maybe that is a parenting philosophy I guess but not a common one!

@Sockdays

i understand what you’re saying. It wasn’t a normal response and it was really shocking to see. I actually couldn’t believe it.

I haven’t met with her since. My daughter was asking if we are seeing them this weekend. I said we’re not and she didn’t ask anything else.

I do need to make more mum friends. I have joined an app to see if I can meet some but I do find all that social stuff with new people difficult.

I know what she did was completely out of order. I would never do that. To my own child or anyone else’s.

@TheaBrandt1
yes that is how she is really. That’s how she’s always been even before kids but now it just extends to her children as well.

Agree with this 👆

@Givenupshopping

i know it’s important I make other mum friends. I don’t have any others. But I have joined an app to see if I can. I really struggle meeting new people and trying to socialise. But I will do it.

my daughter has other friends who she sees with my ex as we co parent. But when she’s with me, we only see Louise and her child really. Which is every week normally. I haven’t arranged anything since and don’t plan to.

Oh that’s so sad she’s said that. I think I’d not see them for a while. You need to show your own child that you are on their side….not going to put her back in a situation where that adult hurts her. I think you should be honest with Louise too and say - we’ll give it a miss this time as X is feeling hurt after last time. It might make her think.

I know she apologised and I can see the point from other posters - but, it’s the comment from your child that has made me say the above.

I also think that sometimes it’s ok for kids NOT to share. I hate the whole “you have to share/take turns”. What if they don’t want to? I know it’s different with shred items at a park etc (they do need to take turns) - but if it’s their own things then I don’t think kids should be forced to share. I’m not saying that’s the case here - but it sounds like Louise will make your child share constantly.

Louise sounds like a nasty piece of work, who should not be near your child. She doesn’t respect you or your child. I bet this friendship is totally out of whack in terms of power dynamics but you are in too deep to see it.

@rainbowsandraspberrygin

I agree about the sharing. I don’t think children should be forced to share. It’s important that kids have some things for themselves and can choose not to share. But it is constant that Louise will expect my DC to share the second her child kicks off.

she can’t tolerate her child being upset for a second. So when mine has something, and her child starts letting out this loud whine, Louise will shout something like “oh for gods sake DC!!! I’m sick of you whining!” Then turn to me and say “can she just have it because she’s not going to stop otherwise”. That is a frequent occurrence.

There’s no way she’s managing to do that with every one they know so it’s just an extension of her decades of bullying you. Have you heard from her since this incident and has she mentioned it again?

@SALaw

she’s messaged something generic and I replied very briefly. But she hasn’t asked to meet. Although I imagine she will soon.

She has told me that she snapped at her friends child for the same thing when the child’s mum was out of the room. So it does make me wonder if she does this with anyone else. She won’t do it with everyone because she can be different with some people.

but I have seen her over the years bully friends in the same way. And one of them ended the friendship a few years ago. Louise didn’t seem to understand why the friend ended the friendship at all. And even to this day says she doesn’t understand it. She showed me their last messages and I could see clear as day why she ended it.

there’s only me and one other who have stuck around this whole time. And she has treated the other very badly over the years. But she was also someone who got bullied a lot in school.