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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my husband when he has cancer?

159 replies

Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 20:48

H has been financially, emotionally and one time, physically abusive.

He is a pathological liar. I tried to commit suicide and he dropped me off at A &E shouting and screaming at me.
He has lied about our finances, he has texted other women. I really could go on.

He now has cancer and his abuse has ramped up. Shouting, screaming, taking everything out on me. I've had enough, I have always been a SaHm, I have no job, no pension.

But if I leave, imagine ? He manipulates people, including our DC. But I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am spiralling again, my mental health is suffering. But if I leave it will fall to our DC and I can't let that happen. Please.... what should I do?

OP posts:
Louisetopaz21 · 25/10/2025 20:50

Leave and protect yourself. I hope you are okay.

fireandlightening · 25/10/2025 20:52

You need to protect yourself. A nasty abusive person doesn't become any more worthy of love and care just because they have cancer.

How old are your children?

Glitterybee · 25/10/2025 20:52

You should leave and feel no guilt.

why would things fall on your DC if you leave. What age are they?

Ilovehighlandcows · 25/10/2025 20:53

Are you 100% sure he has cancer, if he's a pathological liar?

You would not be unreasonable for leaving him, even if he did.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 25/10/2025 20:54

What’s his prognosis?

GreenBlorgle · 25/10/2025 20:55

You should absolutely leave him, regardless of illness. Good luck.

Randomer75 · 25/10/2025 20:55

What is his prognosis? It really a tricky thing to know what to do.

Randomer75 · 25/10/2025 20:55

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 25/10/2025 20:54

What’s his prognosis?

X post

Gruffporcupine · 25/10/2025 20:57

How long has he got? This is key

GreenBlorgle · 25/10/2025 20:58

Randomer75 · 25/10/2025 20:55

What is his prognosis? It really a tricky thing to know what to do.

I don’t think it’s tricky at all.

Needspaceforlego · 25/10/2025 20:58

How long do you think he has?
Do you have mirror wills?
Has the cancer spread

What I'm saying is if hes not got long you might be better to sit it out a inherit everything rather than leaving fighting for half, then his half going to kids or elsewhere.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 25/10/2025 20:58

Leave today. It is scary but you can do it. Do you have somewhere you will go? ❤️

Original poster
Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 21:00

He has to have an operation which will leave him with a stoma. Quite a bad operation, but prognosis after is good.

I should really stay until that is over but I'm finding it harder and harder.

DC are 23 and 20, my DD is particularly close to him.

OP posts:
Randomer75 · 25/10/2025 21:00

fireandlightening · 25/10/2025 20:52

You need to protect yourself. A nasty abusive person doesn't become any more worthy of love and care just because they have cancer.

How old are your children?

This is definitely true, there was a poster here several years ago in the same situation. So far as I remember he didn’t live too long after diagnosis, but she reached a point where she knew she had “beaten” him, and that she would survive after him. Which was emotionally freeing for her.
By the end he was telling the nurses that he wished it was her and she deserved his cancer. So a peach all round, and obviously the medical staff supported her.

Needspaceforlego · 25/10/2025 21:01

If he has a good prognosis then get your ducks in a row and leave

Original poster
Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 21:01

I also don't have anywhere to go... no money, no job.. but I can see my mental health deteriorating ...

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 25/10/2025 21:01

Any chance he won't survive the operation? If not then I would wait until that and leave when he needs support the most.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 25/10/2025 21:01

As its very treatable, then leave now.

GreekHorse · 25/10/2025 21:02

your children are old enough to know what’s going on and if they don’t TELL them. Leave him and get a good solicitor

PruthePrune · 25/10/2025 21:02

If the prognosis is good then leave.

Lavender14 · 25/10/2025 21:03

If he's abusive then you leave. It's not your job to 'fix' or take care of him. At the end of the day we reap what we sow, he had the option of treating you with respect and he chose not to.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/10/2025 21:06

Record some of his abusive outbursts and play it to the DC if they question you. Ask them if they would live with that.

I suspect you will become little more than his servant once he has surgery as he will use it to guilt you into spending your entire life running around attending to his every whim.

Louisetopaz21 · 25/10/2025 21:10

Register yourself as fleeing dv with the local authority they will have a duty to house you. Your children are adults and will have seen what is going on xx

Original poster
Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 21:11

The fallout if I leave will be huge. Can you imagine how he will spin this?
I spent 2 months in a psychiatric hospital and he told everyone I was in rehab...

My DC will hate me, it's not their responsibility to look after him, but if I leave it will fall on them.

I know I should wait until the op is over, I'm just really really struggling, he is a pig

OP posts:
Praying4Peace · 25/10/2025 21:13

Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 21:01

I also don't have anywhere to go... no money, no job.. but I can see my mental health deteriorating ...

Hi OP, you are in a vulnerable position.
Do you own or rent your home?
You will need legal advice and should be entitled to claim benefits including uc and housing benefit but you will need expert advice on this.
You are broken but can heal.
Step by step and sending you strength

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