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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my husband when he has cancer?

159 replies

Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 20:48

H has been financially, emotionally and one time, physically abusive.

He is a pathological liar. I tried to commit suicide and he dropped me off at A &E shouting and screaming at me.
He has lied about our finances, he has texted other women. I really could go on.

He now has cancer and his abuse has ramped up. Shouting, screaming, taking everything out on me. I've had enough, I have always been a SaHm, I have no job, no pension.

But if I leave, imagine ? He manipulates people, including our DC. But I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am spiralling again, my mental health is suffering. But if I leave it will fall to our DC and I can't let that happen. Please.... what should I do?

OP posts:
AquaForce · 25/10/2025 21:43

Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 20:48

H has been financially, emotionally and one time, physically abusive.

He is a pathological liar. I tried to commit suicide and he dropped me off at A &E shouting and screaming at me.
He has lied about our finances, he has texted other women. I really could go on.

He now has cancer and his abuse has ramped up. Shouting, screaming, taking everything out on me. I've had enough, I have always been a SaHm, I have no job, no pension.

But if I leave, imagine ? He manipulates people, including our DC. But I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am spiralling again, my mental health is suffering. But if I leave it will fall to our DC and I can't let that happen. Please.... what should I do?

Cancer or not. He's revolting. There will possibly people who judge you negatively, but remember OP those people only have half the story. Go and be happy xx

frostedpixie · 25/10/2025 21:43

Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 21:01

I also don't have anywhere to go... no money, no job.. but I can see my mental health deteriorating ...

Please reach out to Women's Aid...and your GP. Hugs x

Original poster
Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 21:44

I've given him time and time again to apologise. When I told him I was suicidal he told me to sort out my pension and write my will.... I'm mentally on the floor. But if I leave I will be the bad guy. I just want him to hold his hands up, apologise and appreciate me being here. But I'm just met with more abuse ...

OP posts:
caringcarer · 25/10/2025 21:46

Go to see a solicitor about filing for divorce. The house will have to be sold.

MeganM3 · 25/10/2025 21:48

What’s the point of his apology though. What do you want it for. It’s just words? He won’t change, of course he won’t. He can’t!
And I wouldn’t assume that people will believe him over you. People do spot abuse. You won’t be the bad guy. You leave, explain why to your DC if you can, say they are not expected to take on his care and that you love them and v much want them in your life.

You do need to now leave, for your own health.

Louisetopaz21 · 25/10/2025 21:48

Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 21:18

Really? Even if we own our home?

Show quote history

Yes on a temporary basis until they can support you with what happens with your house. You cannot be treated as making yourself unintentional homeless if you are experiencing dv xx

Pessismistic · 25/10/2025 21:48

Hi op do your children know about his abuse? Your mental health and what happened? because I would start with the truth tell them what really happened to you and why and tell them straight you stayed for them but now there adults and they deserve to know the truth. Tell them you cannot take it anymore and your scared what you might do to yourself also try and get some therapy hopefully your dc will understand and encourage you to escape. He is being more abusive because he’s angry that he’s got cancer and he will only make your life a living hell and you would not leave him if he was a decent husband especially with cancer but it’s not doable anymore.

Jochef · 25/10/2025 21:49

Leave him.
And soon

NimbleDreamer · 25/10/2025 21:49

You must leave him. Contact Women's Aid in the first instance for support.

You may have to accept that people may take his side over yours. That is the unfortunate reality of many abusers in that they can charm everyone else to take their side. However you can hold your head high knowing that you know the true and full picture. Your mental health, sanity and ultimately your life is worth more than not doing anything because of what people might think.

Do your children know the full extent of his abuse? Why can't you tell them the full story of what has happened the way you have told us all on here? Yes they may not believe you but at the very least they will know all of the facts and can make up their own minds.

oviraptor21 · 25/10/2025 21:49

Please contact one of the domestic abuse charities. They should be able to help you navigate this situation.

Barney16 · 25/10/2025 21:50

We believe you. And if lots of complete strangers on an anonymous forum believe you then people in RL will believe you too. One step at a time. If you think of the whole leaving him thing it could be overwhelming. Are you safe right now? If you aren't ring women's aid. If you are make a plan. Doing even one thing will make you stronger. Do you have access to money? Could you open a new account and start to put some money away. Even if it's just bits and bobs. Begin to look for a job. Do you have a friend who can help you? Huge hugs OP

fireandlightening · 25/10/2025 21:52

Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 21:44

I've given him time and time again to apologise. When I told him I was suicidal he told me to sort out my pension and write my will.... I'm mentally on the floor. But if I leave I will be the bad guy. I just want him to hold his hands up, apologise and appreciate me being here. But I'm just met with more abuse ...

You sound unhealthily preoccupied with what others will say, and appear to crave validation from him. I do think you need therapy to figure out why you care so much about these, and to work on it. From what you have posted here, it seems obvious to everyone here that you are in a abusive relationship, and hence the advice you've been given to leave.

isthesolution · 25/10/2025 21:52

Yes leave. The children are adults. They can make their own minds up but hopefully can see how badly you have been treated.

TotallyUnapologeticOmnivore · 25/10/2025 21:59

Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 21:11

The fallout if I leave will be huge. Can you imagine how he will spin this?
I spent 2 months in a psychiatric hospital and he told everyone I was in rehab...

My DC will hate me, it's not their responsibility to look after him, but if I leave it will fall on them.

I know I should wait until the op is over, I'm just really really struggling, he is a pig

It is absolutely not your children's responsibility to look after your husband, and assuming that they know what he is like, they probably won't want to.

HappyHunting101 · 25/10/2025 22:00

You can leave. He's not your responsibility either. He might need to recover from the operation, but beyond that having a stoma is not disabling.

If you feel like you really can't leave yet then stay for the operation and leave as soon as he's over the first few weeks. You can't sacrifice yourself for a man who treats you like this. And luckily your children are grown. I'm certain your children must have witnessed some of his behaviour and could not be turned against you.

Mysteise · 25/10/2025 22:00

It’s well documented that when women become seriously ill or terminally ill, the risk of separation or divorce skyrockets.

You deserve to be loved, cherished and supported. Please don’t stay out of guilt or fear. Your children are grown. They’ll just have to accept it. And honestly, even if they weren’t, it still wouldn’t justify you sacrificing your happiness.

Watch Nighty Night, channel your inner Jill Tyler and live your best life.

lazyarse123 · 25/10/2025 22:02

I think you can get help from Women's Aid, advice at least. Try not to worry what others think, it's your reality not theirs.

Your dd will discover for herself if she hasn't already what her dad is like. She will need to make her own decisions. At this point you really need to put yourself first. Good luck op.

Itiswhysofew · 25/10/2025 22:05

How much longer would you stay for?

I don't imagine your DC would want you to stay with such an abhorrent man. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. They haven't been subjected to his appalling behaviour.

If you do stay, use the time to organise yourself and get ready to start your new life, away from him and anyone like him.

Keep posting here for support. There's always someone on to talk to.

So sorry Flowers

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

womensaid.org.uk/

familyissues12345 · 25/10/2025 22:06

Lavender14 · 25/10/2025 21:03

If he's abusive then you leave. It's not your job to 'fix' or take care of him. At the end of the day we reap what we sow, he had the option of treating you with respect and he chose not to.

This is bucket fulls.

He’s had years to give you a reason to support him through this, yet he’s treated you the way he has. Walk away from him. Your children may not understand at first, but in time hopefully they will. They need to see their Mum putting herself first

lazyarse123 · 25/10/2025 22:09

FedUpToddlerFTM · 25/10/2025 21:38

I actually think it's a rough one. You've left it too late and this is an awful stage to leave. For the sake of your children, maybe stay until after the op.

Why is it an awful stage to leave? People can only take so much and op has finally reached her limit. Her husband doesn't deserve any more of her life.

WilfredsPies · 25/10/2025 22:10

But if I leave I will be the bad guy

So what? What do you care if someone who has already believed all of his lies believes a few more? Once you leave him, the only people you want in your life are your DC. It’s irrelevant what anyone else thinks of you or if they believe a few more or his lies.

Re your DC, I think I’d tell them that you were planning on leaving prior to his diagnosis. You now know the prognosis is good so you’re free to go and if they want to come with you, then they can. Tell them that it won’t be quite as comfortable as the family home is, but you’d rather sleep on a mattress on the floor than live in a palace with him.

Crazybigtoe · 25/10/2025 22:10

Any reason why he couldn't move in with MIL to recover? Annoying that you have to vacate and not him. It doesn't matter if he has cancer. And having an operation. Makes him vulnerable - yeah sure, just like you have been for your marriage and when you were unwell. That equity image pops into my mind.

abracadabra1980 · 25/10/2025 22:11

Turn the tables, OP. Would he be there for you if your exact domestic scenario was reversed? Cancer or no cancer, fuck what other people think and stop worrying about your DC. He is an abuser. Abusers can also get cancer. Good luck moving forward from someone who has been verbally abused by two exH, manipulated, gaslit, - you know the score. You CAN move on-but only if you start being your own best friend. Your DC will already be aware of what he is like - believe me. My solicitor often reassured me of this when my exH was accusing me of all and sundry - he was right - my kids know EXACTLY what my ex is capable of - but not via me. Good luck. X

FedUpToddlerFTM · 25/10/2025 22:12

lazyarse123 · 25/10/2025 22:09

Why is it an awful stage to leave? People can only take so much and op has finally reached her limit. Her husband doesn't deserve any more of her life.

Show quote history

I meant for the sake of the relationship with the children. He's clearly an awful person but if one child is still at home and is close to him, she risks damaging that relationship permanently.

Noshadelamp · 25/10/2025 22:15

Whoever it is he's spinning lies to, do they matter? Really? If he's already told his family lies about you?
Obviously your own dcs are different but surely they have seen and know that's been going on? Won't they wonder why you've left him and want to hear it from you?

I just don't see what else you can do if your mental health is deteriorating, you'll end up needing care your self in which case your DCs will be in the same position, but st least this way with you leaving you're protecting yourself.