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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my husband when he has cancer?

159 replies

Braindrain22 · 25/10/2025 20:48

H has been financially, emotionally and one time, physically abusive.

He is a pathological liar. I tried to commit suicide and he dropped me off at A &E shouting and screaming at me.
He has lied about our finances, he has texted other women. I really could go on.

He now has cancer and his abuse has ramped up. Shouting, screaming, taking everything out on me. I've had enough, I have always been a SaHm, I have no job, no pension.

But if I leave, imagine ? He manipulates people, including our DC. But I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am spiralling again, my mental health is suffering. But if I leave it will fall to our DC and I can't let that happen. Please.... what should I do?

OP posts:

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 10:19

Braindrain22 · 26/10/2025 10:02

My family are aware. My DD knows he lies, she has seen it herself. She said that her relationship with him is separate to how she views him as a husband.
He is very good at manipulating her. My DS doesn't live at home, he hasn't handled my H illness very well and is somewhat burying his head in the sand.

I have a really good friend who always thought he was lovely. She was here one day when he snapped at me and was totally shocked. So she knows and is very supportive. He will do anything for anyone and comes across as a really nice guy.

We have been in separate rooms for years. I'm just so drained and tired of it all. I never realised how bad our financial situation is. He has always kept things from me and I thought he was doing it so I don't get stressed. Now I see it as control.

Im not suicidal but can feel my mental health getting worse. My family don't speak to him because of how he treated me when I was very ill. I have been drinking too much to cope and I have to stop that. He hates it when I start looking after myself, enjoys the fact that I'm putting on weight and drinking my life away...

Show quote history

Please leave him. You deserve to have a life. He is not your problem, your job, or your duty. Make the first step. Decide today you are leaving.

JosephineBoneApart · 26/10/2025 10:25

You can call Macmillan - support line for people and their partners/family with cancer. They might be able to support you with your feelings of guilt and how to move on. There is also the Samaritans and SHOUT ( text support.)

Look online and find a solicitor in your town who deals with divorce.
Email or phone them tomorrow to make an appt - many give 30 mins free.

Make yourself a list of what you need to do.
You don't have to suffer any more like this.

The fact his father is/ was an abuser makes it worse- he's not had a good role model and will be copying that.

deeahgwitch · 26/10/2025 10:30

Thank you for replying @Braindrain22
You have to do what’s best for you.
You are wondering how, if you leave him now it will be perceived by others.
Well ! Those who matter won’t mind ( they know what he’s like ) and those who mind ( like your unsupportive, including violent fil, in laws ) don’t matter.
Now is your chance to get out.
Can your family help financially?

deeahgwitch · 26/10/2025 10:30

Cornishclio · 26/10/2025 10:41

The cancer is irrelevant. This man is abusive so you have to leave. Get some advice from DV charities. Have your children been blind to this or have they been manipulated by him? Sod what others think and put yourself nearer the top of the pile. Making yourself financially dependent on him was unfortunate. See what benefits you can claim and offer the DC at home the chance to come with you. If they have fallen under his spell leave them there. They are adults and this is no way to live.

CinnamonBuns67 · 26/10/2025 11:12

He's abusive so absolutely leave, yes he'll do the boo hooing that his wife left him when he got cancer but you know what? Bloody let him. Those who are worth having around will get your side before making judgements, and the ones who don't and believe him and think your awful? They don't matter and the trash will take itself out.

WearyAuldWumman · 26/10/2025 11:21

Agreed. I mentioned upthread an acquaintance who was in a similar situation. She had a miserable existence.

Her now ex's kids had no intention of looking after him, but expected my acquaintance to do it all. As I said upthread, it took another two years before she left him.

SocksTooSmallAgain · 26/10/2025 11:23

When they shit hit the fan with exh, and I could feel people being baffled at how I could leave such a wonderful man at the time of his greatest need and vulnerability.

I asked a few to ask themselves WHY a woman would leave a man when he was least able to come after her.

That shut a few up.

Imbrocator · 26/10/2025 12:15

You need to leave him. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. His behaviour is shameful; you are not at all shameful for having tried to stick with it and make it work for so long.

The best thing you can do is leave and be honest about why. It’s natural to not want to expose the awful stuff he’s done or to want to try to protect your kids from it, but sunlight is always the best disinfectant. He maintains control by making you feel ashamed, and by lying about the reality. People might not want to believe the truth if it shatters their imaginary image of him, but the truth is the truth. Most people will be horrified and want to help.

If you need practical advice on how to get out you should think about contacting a domestic abuse charity. There are lots of good ones and lots of them offer a free help line.

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