To leave my husband when he has cancer?

[Braindrain22]

H has been financially, emotionally and one time, physically abusive.

He is a pathological liar. I tried to commit suicide and he dropped me off at A &E shouting and screaming at me.
He has lied about our finances, he has texted other women. I really could go on.

He now has cancer and his abuse has ramped up. Shouting, screaming, taking everything out on me. I've had enough, I have always been a SaHm, I have no job, no pension.

But if I leave, imagine ? He manipulates people, including our DC. But I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am spiralling again, my mental health is suffering. But if I leave it will fall to our DC and I can't let that happen. Please.... what should I do?

Do you have someone you can talk to, instead of just asking strangers online? A relative, a best friend, a therapist?

Leave. You'owe him nothing. Your DC will realise when you are not there to buffer and they are not obliged to provide care. He can rely on the state.

Contact woman’s aid asap and make a plan to leave. You get one precious life and you deserve to live it to the full. Taking the first step is scary but there is a world waiting for you on the other side. There are people who can help you find your feet. Good luck.

OK, deep breaths. He's due for major surgery and that will really shut him up for a while. How long until then?

Will he also need chemo? Because that will shut him up, too.

In your shoes, I would get him through this, and then leave once he's better (and therefore will be being horrible again).

Big hugs xxx He'll be in no state for a while, once he has this surgery, so use the time to get your ducks in a row.

Along these lines, OP, wait until after the op is over. Everything can change after they've got in there.

You have no idea how much aftercare is required after cancer treatment, it’s relentless and exhausting, she owes this abusive man nothing, she needs to leave now.

Oh, I have no idea, do I? That's absolutely rich. I DO know. I nursed both my parents through long cancer journeys, three times, the last two were terminal and the second terminal journey ended just a year ago. It was approaching five years in all, so fuck off with your "You have no idea how much aftercare is required after cancer treatment."

Leave immediately while you can. You owe him absolutely nothing,

Don’t let him or the DC persuade you otherwise. Get yourself a part time job, a friend to stay with and go.

You'll be the bad guy temporarily. You'll have a future permanently.

If the illness has a good prognosis post op, your dh has a disease that he will recover from.

Not all.cancers are the killers they oncenwere and it's important to be proportionate.

Go and see a solicitor. Tell your dd's the truth.

How old are you?

Op I feel for you, you say you want to leave but have nowhere to go, no job and no money..are there any savings you can get hold of?
You need a plan but you have to be able to survive..is there anyone that could help you? Are you claiming any benefits?
I know of a similar situation and the wife has had to stay because of no way out and it's not a happy life

I did, and have no regrets. Only disappointed that the rapey bastard didn't die.

The cancer diagnosis seemed to give him permission to behave even worse.

The kids know him for what he is.

Good luck to you. You're stronger than you think.

Use the time in hospital as a safe time to leave.
Ask to speak to hospital social worker and let them know you are using the surgery as an opportunity to safely leave him due to abuse. The social worker can then arrange extra support for your H.
Speak with your doctor about local DV support services and let your doctor know your plan as well.
Good Luck

Please leave him. You need to focus on yourself first and foremost. You are like a person who is bleeding to death trying to patch up other people's wounds. Get help for your own life threatening wounds first. After 12 months of serious therapy and distance from this man you can consider other people again, maybe.

And yes, you MUST tell people the truth.

In which case your “advice” is worse, why should she look after this abusive man? You can fuck off with your nonsense.

This x 1000.

I have had cancer, and believe me when I say this but the simple fact of the matter is that cancer affects everyone, including terrible people like your husband. I will also add that life is short, time is precious, and it shouldn't be wasted on someone who has made you so miserable. Cancer does not make someone a saint and erase their history.

Cancer is a huge catalyst for change, so use it to free yourself from your marriage. If people think less of you, so be it, you know the truth. I have no doubt that with time, others will see him for the dreadful person he is. Be prepared that the fallout might well mean your children don't understand for some time, but they are adults now. They should not be used as a reason to keep yourself in a marriage that is detrimental to your very sanity. Leave, the sooner the better - get support from Women's Aid, a counsellor, and if you really want to talk to someone about the ethics of your dilemma, call Macmillan, you won't be the first in this situation.

Wishing you all the best 💐

When they shit hit the fan with exh, and I could feel people being baffled at how I could leave such a wonderful man at the time of his greatest need and vulnerability.

I asked a few to ask themselves WHY a woman would leave a man when he was least able to come after her.

That shut a few up.

What would people think about you being abused for years?

That' s what you need to think about.

You've protected him for YEARs. The truth needs to come out.

And- at the end of the day- it doesn't matter WHAT anyone thinks.
You do right for YOU- no one else.

Start by going to see a family solicitor who can advise you on the process of separation and divorce.

Meanwhile keep a record of everything he does that is abusive.

I think that poster means 'his treatment'.

He's been told he will have a stoma so presumably he has bowel cancer. The OP says his prognosis is good.

But even if it isn't - he's abused her for years.

No one has a right to be cared for just because they are married, if that marriage has been dreadful because they are an abuser.

I thought this too.
Have they witnessed his abuse of you @Braindrain22?
Has anyone ?

Please put yourself first and leave.

My family are aware. My DD knows he lies, she has seen it herself. She said that her relationship with him is separate to how she views him as a husband.
He is very good at manipulating her. My DS doesn't live at home, he hasn't handled my H illness very well and is somewhat burying his head in the sand.

I have a really good friend who always thought he was lovely. She was here one day when he snapped at me and was totally shocked. So she knows and is very supportive. He will do anything for anyone and comes across as a really nice guy.

We have been in separate rooms for years. I'm just so drained and tired of it all. I never realised how bad our financial situation is. He has always kept things from me and I thought he was doing it so I don't get stressed. Now I see it as control.

Im not suicidal but can feel my mental health getting worse. My family don't speak to him because of how he treated me when I was very ill. I have been drinking too much to cope and I have to stop that. He hates it when I start looking after myself, enjoys the fact that I'm putting on weight and drinking my life away...

Having cancer does not make him a nicer person or deserving of your kindness/ forgiveness .
Your kids are adults and can decide on how involved with their father they want to be .

Put yourself first here .

Im not afraid of him. He only hurt me once and that was years ago. When he saw my bruises the next day he denied it. Even his mum said that she hoped he hadn't hurt me.

His dad was physically violent to her for many years. They are still together. He is seen as the "golden child".

He now has an excuse for his emotional outbursts. We had a massive argument last
night, I admit I had been drinking. He has taken no accountability for how he treated me and said as it was years ago I should "just get over it" He hates my family and feels I should cut them off because of how they have treated him!
I used to be very fit and I'm now a mess. I need to find the strength to get myself together.