To leave my husband when he has cancer?

[Braindrain22]

H has been financially, emotionally and one time, physically abusive.

He is a pathological liar. I tried to commit suicide and he dropped me off at A &E shouting and screaming at me.
He has lied about our finances, he has texted other women. I really could go on.

He now has cancer and his abuse has ramped up. Shouting, screaming, taking everything out on me. I've had enough, I have always been a SaHm, I have no job, no pension.

But if I leave, imagine ? He manipulates people, including our DC. But I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am spiralling again, my mental health is suffering. But if I leave it will fall to our DC and I can't let that happen. Please.... what should I do?

I think you need to speak to Womens Aid or your local DA organization.

But if you cant do it, you need to leave. Tell your DC why and tell them that it is ok for them to protect themselves whatever happens.

The thing is it doesn't matter how he spins this, and to whom. Whatever he will do, he will at any stage - now before the surgery or months down the line after the surgery, only thing that will change is that you will be even more worn down and unwell.

It is not your responsibility to look after him either. Responsibility doesn't arise because of your marriage contract, but because of love and care partners show each other. He does not deserve your consideration.

Sit down and chat with your children. Work something out with them. Do they live at home?

Speak to women's aid for information. It will be hard but definitely worthwhile.

Really? Even if we own our home?

1 at home 1 away at university

Surely your children have witnessed his abusive behavior over the years and will understand you need to leave now?

I take it your DC still live with you? Do they work? How about finding a new place for the three of you?

They'll have seen the years he's inflicted on you, surely they'll be glad to leave with you.

Can you call womens aid for advice?

Read your updates.
Please leave and try to do the best for yourself (and children).
Don't feel guilty.
I wouldn't.
❤️

Can you afford to rent a room. I'd imagine that you wouldn't be eligible for housing as a home owner.
If he is still violent you have to leave.
I would stay, apply for a protection order, start divorce proceedings, live separately in the home, wait until the house is sold, unless it is dangerous.

Honestly your children have watched you be abused and support your abuser they know he will turn on them if your out the way they have a vested interest in you staying but they are not infants that need protecting they are adults

Also you can get a copy of your medical summary it will show there you were in a mental hospital not a rehab perhaps get it and read it to yourself as a reminder what you have survived how strong you really are and how fucked up that man is

You must leave NOW.

Don't feel guilty about leaving.I've had surgery for bowel cancer and have a stoma.He won't need nursing once he's discharged from hospital. He can get shopping delivered.Stoma nurses will help him learn to deal with the stoma. He will manage.
You don't need to sacrifice any more of your precious life for an abusive man.

I think you've suffered enough and need to look after yourself. You owe him absolutely nothing. Time to begin a new chapter in your life. Don't look back. Good luck. 💐

OP, please get out. As a PP said, record one or two of his outbursts to play back to your DC.

Your DC will almost certainly be aware of what he can be like. Your DD needs to know that she doesn't have to accept the same for herself.

Leave. I didn’t because I thought I’d be the bigger person and stay with him so at least DD would have memory of staying with her father.

He treated me (us, even) horrendously, his cheating because even bolder than before, when he completely declined no one was there but me and yet MIL treated me like I was trash afterwards. And to top it off, he lasted considerably longer than the doctor’s predictions.

Leave. An abuser is an abuser. Not even impending death can change them.

Thank you all.

It's just the thought of what people will think, leaving someone with cancer. The mental impact on him may affect his recovery.

I cannot leave my DC to deal with this all. He is very very manipulative when it comes to them. I just don't know where to turn. He will play it as I've left him as a vulnerable person. His family hate me because he has fed them so many lies.

When I went into the hospital my therapist said "you must leave him" but I was so ashamed about my suicide attempt that I tried to make it work

I know exactly what he will do if you stay he won't take care of himself he will blame you for it and you will get worse and worse he isnt just bullying you he is eroding you lying about you being a drug addict that's so no-one will help you because they will think your high and will steal from them or worse OD in their home I know people with stomas one was constantly getting skin infections he wasn't caring for himself died of sepsis another had issues with there bag and was in and out of hospital its not always straight forward

DO IT, DO IT! And tell him he’s been a complete shit!

I have been where you are. Tell a health professional about his abusive behaviour and the impact it's having on your mental and physical health (mention your previous suicide attempt). You should be asked if you would like them to escalate it and class you as a vulnerable adult; say yes. This will then get you the support you need to leave. Social services were excellent and in the end I wanted to handle things myself and I found myself accomodation but I wish I had taken their help as the period afterwards is tough and you will need therapy and support. That was several years ago now..... I'm single, free and happy. Also check out a book called Healing from hidden abuse and if you haven't already, visit the women's aid survivors forum for support and advice. Good luck 🫂

I actually think it's a rough one. You've left it too late and this is an awful stage to leave. For the sake of your children, maybe stay until after the op.

@ is he awful to the children? Or just you? Do the children still live at home? Any other relatives around, his parents, siblings etc who can help care for him?

I hear your fears about the manipulation and the spin. But he will do this anyway. He is already telling people bullshit about your MH. It may feel like no one will believe you, please trust that there will be people who will believe every word you are saying. Anyone who does believe his bullshit is not someone you need in your life anyway. For now follow the advice of other posters - reach out to professionals and organisations. I recognise how impossible leaving may seem. But it won’t be. Break down each barrier and there will be a solution for you whether that is the kids, money, housing. There is a way out. You can see the way out. You can see that it’s time to get out. You can see that the risk and danger is increasing. Sending you strength. I believe you. I also believe you have the courage and fortitude to take this leap.

What's it matter what others think? They aren't living with him so their opinions don't count. If it was you who were ill what would he do?

Honestly do not worry what people will say. I think you'll be surprised, many people will tell you that they thought he was always a prick, people don't want to get involved while you're married but it wouldn't stop them noticing.
Your DC will get over the break-up, they're adults and also conditioned by him, once his pinching bag is gone, the real him will show.
Please do it, the relief will be immense.

I would get a job, so you're out of the house for a fair bit of the day or night. Start to prepare to leave. Occupy your mind with your future without him and feel that hope of a better life. Once he's through the operation and stable, leave him and organise to sell the house etc. Get yourself set up and have a peaceful space, just for you.