To leave my husband when he has cancer?

[Braindrain22]

H has been financially, emotionally and one time, physically abusive.

He is a pathological liar. I tried to commit suicide and he dropped me off at A &E shouting and screaming at me.
He has lied about our finances, he has texted other women. I really could go on.

He now has cancer and his abuse has ramped up. Shouting, screaming, taking everything out on me. I've had enough, I have always been a SaHm, I have no job, no pension.

But if I leave, imagine ? He manipulates people, including our DC. But I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am spiralling again, my mental health is suffering. But if I leave it will fall to our DC and I can't let that happen. Please.... what should I do?

If OP's MH is tanking, it will be potentially worse after having to nursemaid someone who manipulates and abused her.

It's like the op is a natural break point. That's how I'd view it. He can buy in help if he needs it.

I stayed in a similar relationship for decades too long.He died unexpectedly while we were still sharing a home, a home which thankfully I'd put into my name.If I hadn't owned the house I'd have had to pay off his debts and pay a mortgage into my 70's.
It sounds brutal but after my husband's death I fell into a bizarre situation where I was expected to act as a grieving widow.Don't underestimate how awful that is when he's stolen from you and lied to you for years.Don't waste any more of your life.

@Braindrain22 You can leave him if he's a bad person. His health isn't, and should not be, a factor.

Bollocks. Absolute bollocks.

Op, please don’t listen to this drivel; you haven’t left it too late at all. And it’s not an awful time to leave. His prognosis is good. It’s a serious operation but no more serious than a hysterectomy. People have them every day, he’ll be fine. You, on the other hand, might not be fine if you stay, and I would hope that @FedUpToddlerFTM just missed that when they were advising you to stay.

I would stay until after the op… meanwhile gathering voice clips and secret video of the worst abuse. Can you get a nanny cam hidden in a bear??

Meanwhile, quietly gather all you need to leave, seek legal advice etc. all the while “supporting” him. The knowledge that you have a plan to leave eventually will keep you going.

Once you have left you have two options - either you tell him you have been gathering evidence of him abusing you and you’re considering going to the police and sharing with all your family and friends. But if he’s happy to not spread lies about you, you’re happy to leave it. Or you just do it anyway!!

It sounds like you are dealing with a narcissist. One quote I heard rings true here - you cannot negotiate with a narcissist. You can't win. They are always right and will lie and manipulate things to keep it that way. I should know as I have been dealing with one myself for the past couple of years. Unfortunately it's my daughter. I'm not going to call her DD after what she's put me through. You have my sympathy. You really have to put yourself first in this situation and try to get help to emotionally distance yourself from him. You need to do this for the sake of your sanity. Good luck.

You say he's not your DC's responsibility. That's right, but he isn't yours either. Do you think he would be agonising over the decision if your positions were reversed?

Let him spin whatever lies he wants. His family hate you anyway so no loss there.

I gather the children have witnessed his behaviour towards you? Even if not, they are not a reason to stay. They may not like it but they are adults. You need to think of yourself.

Do you have access to any of the bank accounts (hopefully they are joint!)

Id go to womans aid and let them help you leave and set up again on your own. Life is too short!!!

Start by getting a job. Once you have your own money, the way forward may become clearer.

This is good advice if you are not in a position to leave atm.
Get back into the workplace no matter how daunting that may initially seem. Your children are young adults and will probably be more supportive towards you than you think…they must have observed his behaviours towards you over the many years of living in the same home.
Please don’t give a second thought to what his family think…the chances are that even if you explained his abusive behaviour, they would side with him. They are not to be considered when making your decisions.
Your husband is not a nice and decent man…I can’t say this loud enough.
For once please put your own needs above anyone else.

Wishing you well for your future free of manipulation and guilt. ❤️

Cancer doesn’t cure you of being a cunt.

leave him. Have an exit plan own bank account important docs ready to go and leave him. You do have a pension if he did… you have half of one. You do have a home if you live in one now… get it sold. Your children are adults they will find it hard with the optics but you only get one life get out and live it xx

My dad’s just had this surgery and although the prognosis is good the aftercare and recovery is quite full on so if he’s bad now he’ll be worse after. Get yourself out before you end up providing the aftercare.

Have your children witnessed the abuse?
Contact womans aid for support and advice.

Personally I wouldn't leave immediately but I would start to make plans and keep out of his way as much as possible. I woud stick around to collate recordings of his abuse and the way that he speaks to you. That way you will have some insurance as you can always show others, inc your children if it ever comes to it. If you stick around until after his operation, then at least you can tell the kids that you have been planning to leave just before he fell unwell, but decided that it would be kinder to at least stay until he'd had his operation, especially as you didn't want the burden to fall upon the children. It's all about preserving your mental health whilst also preserving your relationship with your children. I think that just knowing that you are going and making plans to leave will help. You cannot carry on Iike this long term though.

110% this.

Ime your dc will see the light.
Flee.
When he dies also ime the weight lifted will be very close to a physical feeling. My exh became disabled soon after I left. I still would have gone even if it had been before.
You owe him nothing op. Nothing. You owe you a future without fear.

Imagine saying to others “I left a violent abuser, he might have cancer, but honestly, my conscience is clear.”
your conscience should be clear - you aren’t doing anything wrong.

Why are you giving their opinion so much weight?

The way to stop this falling on your children is to take them with you. Even if you all end up with bunk beds somewhere, just having a place where you all can be will let them flee too.

My mother finally fled when I was at university and took my younger sister, but didn’t manage to make space for me. That was hard. I didn’t have year round housing yet.

I was absolutely thrilled she left. it was worth the position it put me in. I was so proud of her.

If she had just thought to get a trundle bed or a cot or something for me it would have gone a very long way towards me not having to make some less than ideal life decisions to get by She let me stay on the sofa a few times but I always felt like I was in the way as it was just one small room for the kitchen, tiny table, and living room in her flat. I never considered going back to my father’s house.

Kick him out while he is in hospital, see a solicitor & go for a non molestation order, record him abusing you before he goes in hospital for evidence. You can get him served while he is in hospital, get the locks changed or extra locks installed if you want to stay in your home, or move out. Start getting cashback every time you go shopping & build up a stash in secret, register for Universal Credit & start job hunting, he will be too weak to do anything physically for a few weeks, so this is your opportunity to do it with least risk.

I think you need to show your DC that you won't stand for this treatment, cancer or no cancer. You're not leaving because he's ill, but how he's been awfully treating you over the years.
Yes he'll spin it like he has with everything else, but you know the truth and you really shouldn't have to justify yourself to anyone else.
You've noticed your mental health going downhill, it's time you put yourself first and set your children a good example to not accept certain behaviours/abuse no matter what the situation is. All the best 💐

This thinking will keep you stuck. It's why you've been there for so long.

You have to free yourself from expecting him to listen, be reasonable, or change for the better.

Take control of your life. One step at a time.

Don’t do anything until after his op. In the meantime just be pleasant when there are others around and when’s it’s the two of you just answer his questions and walk away from every argument/nasty comment. Get yourself some counselling, see your gp and get all you paperwork/legal stuff in order.
Good luck.

I agree with you 100%. but the reason she is doing this is because she has bee conditioned to do so. Some husbands are manipulative pieces of shit.

Leave him. Tell DC why. Be happy.

100% this is time to go, not because he’s ill but because he’s an utter bastard.

Who cares what anyone except your children think. They will come round too.