To leave my husband when he has cancer?

[Braindrain22]

H has been financially, emotionally and one time, physically abusive.

He is a pathological liar. I tried to commit suicide and he dropped me off at A &E shouting and screaming at me.
He has lied about our finances, he has texted other women. I really could go on.

He now has cancer and his abuse has ramped up. Shouting, screaming, taking everything out on me. I've had enough, I have always been a SaHm, I have no job, no pension.

But if I leave, imagine ? He manipulates people, including our DC. But I just don't think I can take it anymore. I am spiralling again, my mental health is suffering. But if I leave it will fall to our DC and I can't let that happen. Please.... what should I do?

Having lived through something somewhat similar - if others choose to judge you that's on them. Line up some counselling so you can stay strong. And leave! You only have one life,.don't live it in this prison

It sounds like you’re not ready yet and are taking yourself out of going but if you can take strength from this thread, knowing you’re not being unreasonable. Go and live your life in peace. Your children are adults which at least takes some of the immediate pressure of you.

Separate and call over to help him if needed. Sleep in separate bedrooms to begin with. It sounds like he might be controlling you. Basically using you for whatever goal is in his head. May not be intentional, he may be in denial about the way he is treating you. Either way it's not healthy and something needs to change. You could get someone to call over to him for a day and you take some time to catch up on your own stuff/self care. It'll do your mental health the world of good and help get your thoughts straight

I left my coercive mentally abusive husband when he had become disabled. I cared for him for a year and his abuse ramped up until I knew I had no choice. I would have left years before but I knew how hard he would make it for me and the children.

My children are now young adults, and none of them speak to him or see him. THey wish I had got out years before. I had no idea if they would back me and was shocked at the relief they felt, as well as I felt, to remove him from our lives.

The thing that has surprised me is the reaction of friends. A couple have stood by him and think I’m terrible for leaving a disabled man, but they have no idea what my life was like. Most of our friends have supported me and DC and said they didn’t actually really like him, but put up with him for me. I thought everyone fell for his Mr Niceguy personality.

I didn’t work, and have little pension. I took a couple of months then got a minimum wage, part time job. Then I was offered more hours and in a few months was promoted twice. I’m not saying you will be so lucky, but it is possible.

In the first few days I went to my local women’s charity who provided advice and a big hug. Look up your nearest and contact them.

I'm exhausted tonight and maybe not getting my points across, but I'm trying to say, it is possible, your DC will have seen more than you think and should support you, and the reaction of friends that you are worried about may surprise you.

I’m glad you supported your mum X

I think this is the time to put you first. If he’s a wonderful dad they’d of course they step up. Their choice.

Id prefer a crappy hotel room and my freedom personally. If your kids choose their dad then that’s their choice.

The danger you're in might ramp up.

If he's terminal, then he's got nothing to lose in terms of repercussions.

I think you should leave the situation urgently.

Don't leave yet. Get a room in the house and set it aside for you only, put a lock on it. Move your clothes and personal possessions in there. Get in touch with DV charities like Women's Aid and start a plan for splitting up/divorcing. You will get at least half the house, and part of his pensions and savings.
I'm afraid you're going to have to tough it out with people's opinion. You could be brutally honest and tell them that he's abusive. It's his shame, not yours. Regardless of whether he has cancer or not, it's time to save your own life.

thank you for all your replies

Shame. If he was going to die, I’d recommend staying with him and getting any money….

Glad I am not alone in that train od thought.

This.

I think it's ok to lie to him in this situation to take the control back off him until you feel better yourself. Talking to him isn't working and he's obviously focused on his own needs. You could take your time shopping, tell him you had to get something in a different pharmacy etc and then take the extra time for yourself to catch up on your own stuff/self care

Is it terminal?

It doesn't matter if other people think you're the 'bad guy'. What other people think is irrelevant (and, generally, most people have enough going on in their own lives to be much bothered about other people's lives anyway).

You really have to prioritise you and your mental health. You only have one life, and you've already wasted so much of it on this appalling excuse for a man. Your children are adults, and if his care falls onto them, they'll soon see his true colours.

Please, please reach out to your local authority's domestic abuse team for help. Most councils can provide refuge/emergency accommodation.

If he’s just about to roll off of his mortal coil, I’d say stick it out. If not, ditch him and his misery. Just don’t forget to record him and his abuse. Then if anyone asks, send them the videos. Who cares what anyone else thinks, they probably already know.

You know the truth, he's free to spread lies, let him. Walk around with your head held high!
My ex husband had a hate campaign on me. He was using every social media platform to tell people I was abusive and I was abusing our kids! Some people believed him at the beginning, I had to suck it up. Now I couldn't care less!

Does he have critical illness cover on the mortgage? Just thinking from a purely practical POV.

Just read the thread. The answers are in there.

Who are you talking to?

An acquaintance of mine had made up her mind to leave her abusive husband, but he had a sudden medical event and she felt compelled to stay.

She stuck it out for two years before arranging sheltered accommodation for him and leaving him. She has a good life now, but says that she regrets staying.

Are you caring for him currently?
IF you don't leave - and I really think you should - then ask for a carers assessment. You aren't able to look after him as it is affecting your mental health, so social services will have to put plans in place. It's expensive and they will do a financial assessment to see how much he has to pay, possibly free for the first 4 wks after discharge though, so take all the help you can get.
As a result of the carers assessment, they may also help you leave.

Glad I'm not the only one on the thread that would hope he doesn't make it.

Many may feel the same…it’s human nature.

My husband has cancer, I’m doing everything I can for him because he’s always been a decent and kind husband and I’m devastated for us, it’s very hard, tiresome mentally and emotionally, if he was an abusive arshole like your husband I wouldn’t give a flying fuck tbh