Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

You know, just because you married her brother doesn't mean she has to step in line with the way you like to do things. She has her own life. Maybe she doesn't want to host you all, as simple as that?

You like big family Christmases, maybe she doesn't, but out of family loyalty, she goes along with what you want.

I don't see any thought from you about your SiL as a person, or what she might want.

You chose to have a family so should do the hosting, not normal for single people to host at Christmas!

Good lord, the bitching about sisters-in-law, especially the single ones on this thread is most unpleasant!

Just because you've married their brother, doesn't mean you're in charge of the family, in the way you want to be, going by some of these posts. They don't have to fall in line with you, because you're married & have managed to reproduce.

Are SiLs the new MiLs for entitled in-laws to bitch about?

I think this is perfectly normal. When I was a kid my single, child free uncle always spent Christmas with us alongside various grandparents. It made more sense for him, one person, to come round to our house for Christmas lunch, than for three children and two adults to traipse round to his unfamiliar house with all our presents. Kids usually like being in their own home where they've got their toys.

My Mum was used to cooking for a larger group too as we were a family of five and my Gran lived with us and helped with the food.

If you don't like hosting then take a break from it.

We had three DC, so I spent 20+ years cooking for five. Cooking for nine is a bit more difficult, as I find it harder to judge how much veg and sides the extra people will eat. However, if I had only ever cooked for one, myself; I would be really daunted at the thought of cooking for nine, especially when the men eat far more than I ever would!

Maybe that’s why SIL never wanted to host?

She sounds quite self absorbed, lazy and immature. So she is going to be hosted by her parents until they die and then other siblings takeover?!

Not sure. I have always got on with my SIL's, it's been BIL's who have ground my gears!

She sounds smart to me and all her reasonings are entirely acceptable.

Good on you for not doing it anymore. She sounds like a nightmare

I am the single one of the family. I would love to host Christmas, it’s actually something I always dreamed of doing. I have the space to host everyone, I can afford it, I can cook, bake, I’m good at organising entertainment, I’m social, I just love to host! But in my family no one will come for Christmas because “it doesn’t make sense for us all to travel to you, it’s easier for you to come here because you are on your own” - exact response I get every year, despite my explaining I would enjoy it and appreciate the experience.

I'm the same. I'd love to host, but it would mean a lot of travel across continents. So it's easier & cheaper for me to go to them. I spend a lot of money & time travelling to my family, and don't really get holiday time at home over Christmas to do all the things I don't get time to do during my working year. But oh well, I do it because I want to be with them.

But I'm agog at some of the bile directed at a single woman. Some women seem to think that being married into a family & producing grandchildren makes them the top dog. It's unedifying. Just admit you don't like your SiL @Startrekobsessed She may feel just the same ....

Well, yes it’s good for her. But as DH, a SIL and increasingly MIL say - not so good for anyone else. I think they all think she can do more than show up at every occasion and not contribute anything. I’m not bothered personally as to me she’s just one more mouth to feed and I give her a stern look when she starts trying to give me her current dietary preferences. But I think the others do object to seeing her swan about drinking cocktails and wine and enjoying all the guests after they’ve had days of prep and being on their feet. I see their point (even if, for me personally, she’s just one person and none of it would make much difference). Not only can she not cook, she can’t load a dishwasher, won’t wash up because of her nails, and makes a song and dance over the tiniest action such as bringing a platter from the table to the kitchen sink 😂. She does it with enough panache, though - I find her very entertaining! I do wonder how she gets through life. She’s utterly hopeless in almost every practical sense, but very funny and charming and incredibly sweet with our DC.

Yeah, I do have one who is a bit of a bully. It's tough for my sister ...

She is self-absorbed, lazy and immature and she’d be the first to admit it. But she’s also lots of other things too and as a whole person she’s a net positive in my life at least. I have a lot of time for her. If I’d ended up single and childless, I think I’d also feel entitled to take the smooth with all the rough that life throws at single women.

Yes she almost certainly will be hosted by her parents until they can host no more, and then by us (other sibling too far away). Not a problem for me, she’s family.

If you don't want to do it then don't. If you don't want to invite her then don't. But it's unfair to try to make her do something that she probably doesn't want to do either.

You are assuming she wants the big family Christmas. She may be quite happy just with your iLs or doing her own thing and joining because you and DH like the big family Christmas. What do DH’s family do when you are with your family?

You say that you alternate between going to your family or DH’s but that you share hosting with the PiLs so it sounds like you host once Christmas in four. I couldn’t get worked up over that, let alone suggest to someone else that its their job so that I reduced it to one year in six.

I can see how it's evolved that way; your PILs probably hosted Christmas when their own children were growing up so it became "normal" for them to do it, and then when you and your husband had children it might have seemed more logical for everyone to come to you rather than your wrangling the children out on Christmas Day. As PPs have said, it may even be that she would like to host and feels she's not being given the opportunity. Perhaps have your husband ask her tactfully how she feels, if he's never done so up until now? Or have either of you tried asking her specifically to help out more at yours when you do host, like doing some of the shopping, prep or cooking?

Is it really unfair for your MIL to make one extra plate of dinner at Christmas? Is it really difficult for you to make three extra plates of dinner? And a few extra snacks for the rest of the day.

As you say your SIL preps veg and washes up. So she does help in a way.

You are the one with the big family so I would expect most of it to fall to you.

Why doesn't your DH do the cooking and you entertain the kids so you get a bit of break from cooking and organising things. It's your DH you should be looking at not your SIL.

Because we don't want to. We have Christmas at home, just the two of us (plus the dog!).

I think I quoted the wrong post and can't work out how to change it, sorry!

Even if everyone was doing their "fair share", it wouldn't reduce the amount OP hosts, in fact "fair" would increase OPs hosting frequency. Its OPs ILs who are doing more than their share. If that's a problem for them, it's up to them to raise it with their daughter, not up to OP to start wading in and telling everyone what they should dqo.

In any case, I wonder if SIL hosts/contributes more on the alternate years when OP is with her side of the family, and PIL and SIL presumably have Christmas the 3 of them.

Whatever. As it stands, the OP and her DH do less than their fair share, so probably shouldn't rock the boat. OPs DH needs to pull his weight though. He should be doing at least 50% of the work.

Are there any men in your family? You seem focused on the women’s contributions.

setting that aside, I am the single family member and I host very year becuase I have the biggest house.

BUT, I live alone so the first year I did it it cost an absolute fortune - I had to buy new dishes and pots and pans and more chairs for the dining room table. I had to buy board games and child friendly Christmas decor. I had to think through what children will eat, and drink. Going from making a micro meal for one to cooking for ten is massive. The expectations are huge. It’s expensive and stressful - my sister found it easier becuase half the people are her immediate family - it’s harder to cater for big crowds when you live alone.

I now do it every year and I have cupboards full of dishes and plates and cutlery that I only use once a year!

I have a sister-in-law Came to us 2/3 times a year to be wined and dined for the last 20 years. Never asked us back so I got fed up and just stopped asking her. It’s been 2 years now. Wasn’t a good aunty to our kids either.

I understand the having it just our small family but frankly I like big family Christmases so don’t want to deprive my children of that

In fairness, the whole thing then is that you want it, not her. I imagine she's just less bothered.

I’m just unsure why we aren’t spreading the load between 3 of us instead of 2

You are hosting her household, 1 person, she is hosting yours, 4 people which includes 2 children. I think it's pretty obvious to most that it's unfair to expect that of her when she has a lot less skin in the game than you or her parents.
It wouldn't occur to me to expect her to host in these circumstances.

I hosted once as the only single. It was fucking horrible. I felt like everyone’s hired maid and had no one actually checking if I was ok like a husband or older kids might. The kids were a menace, SIL looked down her nose at everything and it was ridiculously expensive because I had to buy all sorts of booze and loads more food than usual. I also had to get gifts for 8 people while I only got one. It was total shit and I would never do it again.

So if she said that she was rubbish at cooking a roast, would that give her the same free pass that her db gets?

I think an extra person is not a lot compared to a whole family. You have more mental load in your life, and at Christmas, than she does because you have chosen to have a family. I think you are being unfair to her.