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AIBU?

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Original poster

Single SIL never hosting

382 replies

Startrekobsessed · 03/10/2025 13:14

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

OP posts:
Cinaferna · 03/10/2025 17:41

DareMe · 03/10/2025 17:38

I hosted once as the only single. It was fucking horrible. I felt like everyone’s hired maid and had no one actually checking if I was ok like a husband or older kids might. The kids were a menace, SIL looked down her nose at everything and it was ridiculously expensive because I had to buy all sorts of booze and loads more food than usual. I also had to get gifts for 8 people while I only got one. It was total shit and I would never do it again.

How rude of them. Eight people bought you one gift? They should have come armed with wine, flowers, chocolates, gifts from the kids and from different adults.

I used to feel that pain. I was single throughout my twenties, desperate for a partner and children. I had to buy presents for all the in-laws and nieces and nephews and I got one back in return. And it is expensive living on your own, which no one seemed to realise (though I appreciate children cost a fortune too!)

MyElatedUmberFinch · 03/10/2025 17:45

warmapplepies · 03/10/2025 17:26

Because we don't want to. We have Christmas at home, just the two of us (plus the dog!).

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Oh I see I thought perhaps you were accepting invites and never reciprocating them.

PeacefulHouse · 03/10/2025 17:46

You have more mental load in your life, and at Christmas, than she does because you have chosen to have a family. I think you are being unfair to her

I agree. OP doesn't want her children to miss out on a big family Xmas so she provides it. I don't think it's fair to demand it from others.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/10/2025 17:46

TickyandTacky · 03/10/2025 13:32

What do you call it?

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we call it "mum and dad and gran are having Christmas lunch at ours this year"

warmapplepies · 03/10/2025 17:48

MyElatedUmberFinch · 03/10/2025 17:45

Oh I see I thought perhaps you were accepting invites and never reciprocating them.

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Nope. We see my parents for a meal out a few days before, and we go and visit DH's dad on Boxing Day, but Christmas Day is just ours at home.

wfhwfh · 03/10/2025 17:52

Bellyblueboy · 03/10/2025 17:37

Are there any men in your family? You seem focused on the women’s contributions.

setting that aside, I am the single family member and I host very year becuase I have the biggest house.

BUT, I live alone so the first year I did it it cost an absolute fortune - I had to buy new dishes and pots and pans and more chairs for the dining room table. I had to buy board games and child friendly Christmas decor. I had to think through what children will eat, and drink. Going from making a micro meal for one to cooking for ten is massive. The expectations are huge. It’s expensive and stressful - my sister found it easier becuase half the people are her immediate family - it’s harder to cater for big crowds when you live alone.

I now do it every year and I have cupboards full of dishes and plates and cutlery that I only use once a year!

Your family are so lucky to have you. I do hope they properly appreciate you and it brings you a lot to joy.

Bestfootforward11 · 03/10/2025 17:53

Just an idea re what we do. My parents are older so while we used to go home for Christmas when we were younger, we don’t do that now. We go to one siblings house because there is more space but we all contribute to the meal. One sibling does meat, one veg, one starter. Mum brings Christmas pudding and mince pie stuff. We split stuff like pigs in blanket, nibbles, as in we all get bits and bobs. We bring whatever booze we want to drink. We all set the table and clear things up. So no one is really ‘hosting’ and it’s very informal. Its a lot of fun and relatively stress free.

BeanQuisine · 03/10/2025 17:56

"is this normal??"

Yes, it's normal for people who don't want to host, or don't think they'd be much good at it, and lots of other possible reasons.

But the important thing is hosting because you really want to and you know it's welcomed by the people you invite, who are then actually making it worthwhile for you by turning up, as your SIL does.

Doing it purely from a "sense of duty" would be a sad sort of fate, whether for a reluctant couple or a reluctant single, but would obviously be more work for the latter.

RandomNewIdentity · 03/10/2025 18:01

It's a lot more for 1 person to host 4 others than it is for a family of 4 to host a single. I'd ask her if she'd like to, and perhaps suggest she does it once or twice a decade.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 03/10/2025 18:03

RandomNewIdentity · 03/10/2025 18:01

It's a lot more for 1 person to host 4 others than it is for a family of 4 to host a single. I'd ask her if she'd like to, and perhaps suggest she does it once or twice a decade.

I agree.

warmapplepies · 03/10/2025 18:08

It's a lot more for 1 person to host 4 others than it is for a family of 4 to host a single.

Exactly. She may not even have enough chairs or crockery, for starters!

BernardButlersBra · 03/10/2025 19:01

jonthebatiste · 03/10/2025 17:01

She is self-absorbed, lazy and immature and she’d be the first to admit it. But she’s also lots of other things too and as a whole person she’s a net positive in my life at least. I have a lot of time for her. If I’d ended up single and childless, I think I’d also feel entitled to take the smooth with all the rough that life throws at single women.

Yes she almost certainly will be hosted by her parents until they can host no more, and then by us (other sibling too far away). Not a problem for me, she’s family.

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There’s worst things than being single and childless 🤣. It’s not a pass to be entitled at every turn with some woe is me thrown in

Rachie1973 · 03/10/2025 19:04

Startrekobsessed · 03/10/2025 13:37

How have I judged her? I’m asking whether I can broach that she’s never hosted or whether it’s normal for people who live alone not to

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No. Some people like hosting. Others don’t.

I love it. My sister hates it.

You can’t force her to do it, and you shouldnt ask her.

NoSoupForU · 03/10/2025 19:16

We don't host ever.

I'd happily spend Xmas just us but concede that sometimes it has to be spent with family. However, what I won't do is have everyone here when I don't especially want to be with people in the first place.

So perhaps she just doesn't want to.

jonthebatiste · 03/10/2025 19:17

BernardButlersBra · 03/10/2025 19:01

There’s worst things than being single and childless 🤣. It’s not a pass to be entitled at every turn with some woe is me thrown in

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Welllll….yes and no. I think for a woman (such as my SIL) who has wanted nothing else in her life than to be a wife and a mother, and has watched her siblings marry and have families of their own throughout her 20s and 30s, who froze her eggs at 35yo because she thought it might keep her options open, who’s now knocking on 40 and still single and childless: there probably isn’t much worse at Christmas time for her when surrounded by her family. She often says the holidays (we’re in the US, so Thanksgiving comes first) are the worst time of year for her. I can see why. I don’t begrudge her a little entitlement tbh. As I say, she’s many other things too, and it’s not like she goes on and on about it.

Calliopespa · 03/10/2025 20:14

deirdrerasheed · 03/10/2025 16:17

You've created this dynamic yourself you've taught your in laws how to treat you as you "like big family Christmases'. If you've not been to her house on five years there is no hope of her hosting Christmas. Scale back year on year so it becomes a roast dinner and some gifts.

That kind of is what it is isn't it?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 03/10/2025 20:39

I absolutely hate it and yet have to host every year. I did a thread a few years ago when I was very stressed and got the usual 'but you don't have to, why should you' from people who don't understand certain circumstances and family dynamics. Every second year either my DF is just with dSis in a place really unsuitable for hosting or cooking, or my disabled MIL is with SIL feeling low because she can't be with her GDC. I host one side each year while feeling bad about the others. If I was to stop, there would be no 'looking forward to next Christmas' for anyone. So I have to host reluctantly every year but i took a year off recently when I was too stressed for it. SIL and Dsis when its their turn always bring stuff and we have a chat in advance to decide the menu. It feels like a family get together because we share the food and workload. Also everyone understands I don't get much choice and they try to minimise my workload but it gets harder as the elderly generation can do less, they are served and wouldn't even clear a plate anymore. If it were the case that SIL or DSis turned up empty handed or shrugged and suggested they prefer a low stress life as PPs SIL does, they would really piss me off. I don't think I could pretend to be OK about it. Everyone should be pitching in in some way. If you can't host then you should be providing food or insisting on doing all the clean up. It's not a hotel

Dontlletmedownbruce · 03/10/2025 20:51

@Kisskiss she doesn't sound very nice! I'd be trying to switch the narrative a bit and see her as just less competent

@Theif thanks for that perspective. I think that is sadly the case in some families. I remember a friend in similar circumstances had the same experience.

Bellyblueboy · 03/10/2025 21:48

some people are awful hosts / and we all expect women to do it!

my mum was an awful awful host. She got stressed and angry and resentful. My dad didn’t really help and Christmas used to be a bit miserable.

ever since I took over I cot as many corners as possible😂. I buy a large turkey crown, prepared vegetables, luxury mashed potatoes already done, I don’t peel one potatoe, or bake one desert. It makes it all a lot more expensive but also a lot more enjoyable!

I even buy premade gravy.

i start the morning with bucks fizz and pastries - all premade! The only thing i do is dilute the champagne with orange juice:

it’s still a lot of work - but I refuse to spend Christmas Day alone in the kitchen.

Kisskiss · 03/10/2025 21:55

FeeLipa · 03/10/2025 16:39

My SIL has never hosted, or contributed either with bringing along food or helping cook in the past 20+ years. It's a case of she has nowhere else to go so she comes as a package deal with PIL.

She will arrive expecting to be waited on, snatch food and loudly critique what she didn't like. I can't do it anymore, so for the past few years her and PIL have been booking Christmas dinner at a nice pub. (Last year FIL complained that she didn't offer anything towards the bill)

Sorry, I get how you feel. She’s exactly like mine. Pub is the way to go!!!

Portakalkedi · 03/10/2025 22:28

She sounds like a CF, especially if she contributes nothing and lets everyone else do all the work, and pay for it all, year after year. I'd be asking her to take it in turns with the others,or at least make a significant contribution in the form of drinks etc - give her a list so there's no misunderstanding. I wouldn't have the cheek to keep turning up (empty handed) to be catered for like this!

EmpressaurusKitty · 03/10/2025 22:35

4) she doesn’t want to spend the money after spending thousands over the years attending weddings and children’s birthdays and none of that reciprocated

Yes, I can identify with that.

DB & DSIL give me joint presents. I buy them joint presents back for Christmas but obviously give them and their kids a present each on their birthdays.

My BIL (sister’s fairly recent DH) always buys me presents separately from the ones I get from DSis, his reasoning being that I buy presents for him so it’s only fair.

I was very surprised the first time he did that & I find it incredibly touching.

Bellyblueboy · 03/10/2025 23:07

you don’t sound very close to this woman if you haven’t been to her house in five years. She also sounds a bit stingy if she turns up at your house (every four years?) empty handed but stays for Christmas. She doesn’t even bring wine/champagne/chocolates?

what I find odd is that you want her to host family Christmas when you aren’t close, you don’t know what her home is like and she is clearly stingy? That would surely not be a joyful Christmas!

Calliopespa · 03/10/2025 23:16

Bellyblueboy · 03/10/2025 23:07

you don’t sound very close to this woman if you haven’t been to her house in five years. She also sounds a bit stingy if she turns up at your house (every four years?) empty handed but stays for Christmas. She doesn’t even bring wine/champagne/chocolates?

what I find odd is that you want her to host family Christmas when you aren’t close, you don’t know what her home is like and she is clearly stingy? That would surely not be a joyful Christmas!

Yes the empty-handed thing is weird.

Sometimes my mum (so MIL in this thread) makes a contribution on behalf of my single sibling (because my Mum loves putting dishes together, so whatever they have been asked to bring my mum makes). Could it be that Mil is doing this op?

Calliopespa · 03/10/2025 23:17

Bellyblueboy · 03/10/2025 23:07

you don’t sound very close to this woman if you haven’t been to her house in five years. She also sounds a bit stingy if she turns up at your house (every four years?) empty handed but stays for Christmas. She doesn’t even bring wine/champagne/chocolates?

what I find odd is that you want her to host family Christmas when you aren’t close, you don’t know what her home is like and she is clearly stingy? That would surely not be a joyful Christmas!

what I find odd is that you want her to host family Christmas when you aren’t close, you don’t know what her home is like and she is clearly stingy? That would surely not be a joyful Christmas!

Yes, this! Christmas Day seems an odd day to "waste" on making a point or forcing an issue.

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