DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

I'm so sorry about your dear mother.

She would not want this for you.

Kick him out.

What sort of a selfish prick are you with.
Pack a bag and go stay somewhere.
If it is your home, tell him to pack and get out.
How can you look at such a twat.
Stop discussing this.
What a lowlife he is to make your mothets death about him.
Covert narcissistic twat.

How very selfish of him.

I'm sorry about your mum. I hope your as okay as you can be. Don't forget what your partner has done and when you have the strength, get rid of him x

Oh love, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Your DH should be supporting you, not making this about him.
Abusive men know when you are fragile.
As soon as you are strong enough get rid of the prick.

So sorry you've lost your Mother. It's one of the most devastating things to happen in a life. Yet here he is, making it all about him..

You might want to take this opportunity to think back on previous episodes in your relationships. Does he think it's just your job to support and look after him.and any negative emotion he has with no understanding that you have your own need for support which in this instance are more important than his? Or is it more that he feels very insecure and is threatened by your ex?

I think the latter is regrettable but comes from a place of love for you at least and could be something you overcome together. The former is not something you really want from a long term relationship and I'd be reviewing the whole thing to be honest.

He's the one that dropped the ball! At probably one of the hardest times of your life, he's been a total dick and tried to make it all about him. What a nasty and insecure man. I'd struggle to ever get past that.

He cannot cope with not being the centre of your attention, is he a dickhead when you're ill too? I suspect he will be - have a good think on whether this is someone you want to be reliant on in old age or if you were to become seriously ill.

He’s a jealous little twat.

You know that there is a known "thing" about men leaving their wives when the wives get cancer? This specimen is one of them.

@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft I am so sorry for the loss of your mum and I am sorry I didnt say that sooner.

I am sorry for your loss.

Your husband is a big cry baby and behaving like an appointment child.

I would be extremely angry that he has behaved like this towards you when you have lost your mum. I would be giving it to him with both barrels and leering know just how disrespectful he has been

I'm sorry for your loss. 66 is no age. And I'm sorry you're having to face what a self-centred fuckwit your DP is at such a difficult time.

My condolences OP. 💐
Your DP's behaviour is unacceptable. He did nothing but make things worse, and all about him, at one of the most painful times of your life.

Very selfish man - get rid.

He is a narcissist and abusive, he is manipulating you at a time when you need support, trying to make you chase him and make it all about him. I really think you would be better off without him. I am truly sorry for your loss, it is far too young.

My partners mum was a similar age when she passed, it was a really hard time for all of his family. He had a few counselling sessions and found they helped a lot to process the grief, he wishes he had continued for longer. My best friend’s mum also died in her 60’s after a short illness and she found grief counselling really helpful - the counsellor also helped her to process some of her relationship issues. I can’t imagine dealing with such a big loss and having someone making it all about them. Whatever you do go low contact for a while and concentrate on your own healing.

What everybody else has said.

This was not about him.
He sulked at the VERY WORST TIME and made it all about him.
He let you down at one of the MOST IMPORTANT TIMES in your life.
This does not bode well for your future.
Nobody here can make a decision for you, but we can recommend.
I recommend that you think long and hard about staying in this relationship and consider life being peaceful on your own terms for awhile.
I’m very sorry that you lost your mum at such a tender age - sending love from faraway ❤️

This just about sums in it up ☝🏼 my thoughts exactly …no consideration for your mum R.I.P. 🙏🏼 you, your children, the father of your children, your brother and the rest of your family.
So selfish and disrespectful at this sad time 😔

Thank god you are not married to him. Get shut of him, you do not need this. He sounds awful. You lost your mum and he couldn’t be by your side cos he felt uncomfortable, absolute selfish prick.

I think this is my first LTB.

He’s being awful and insensitive, not to mention maybe it was nice for your kids having their dad there?

Do you live with this man? Do your kids?

He’s a selfish, immature fool who has shown that he will put himself above you even in a crisis. Bin him.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

My husband's gran died a couple of years ago and his aunty's ex partner (though they never married they were together for 17 years) drove up from the other end of the country, came to the house in the morning and attended the funeral. Her current husband of 18 years was there too. She didn't even have children with the ex partner. I thought it was really nice actually, the family welcomed the ex partner and were happy to see him. The husband was not at all bothered by his presence, he was there to pay his respects and support the extended family he was part of for 17 years.

Your current partner is being ridiculous, picking a fight about this. She was his children's grandmother, and he is still friendly with your brother, he was there to pay his respects to your mother and support his children and friend, it was none of your current partners business and certainly not your place to exclude him.

Your partner has massively let you down during one of the most difficult times of your life, what a self centred man. I'd find it hard to come back from this.

Sorry for your loss
Your partner is being so selfish. He should have been there supporting you and putting your needs 1st. It isn't like you would have been cosying up to the ex. In times like this, tensions should be pushed aside.
If you continue with this relationship, what does he expect to happen when your DC get married, wants a graduation celebration or anything else they want to invite both parents to?
He is being ridiculous and making an awful time even worse for you, what is he thinking

That.

He is immature and insecure, Needymium. His behaviour was appalling. Get rid.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral

I would ditch that despicable POS so fast that he didn't see it coming.

I'm so sorry OP. You have so much to deal with, but do not waste another moment of your precious life with this nasty, insanely selfish man.

Dump him. At a time in your life when all he should be concerned about is you and your feelings he’s making it about him.

He’s showing you what a cockwomble he truly is. Take the hint and lose him!

@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft I'm so sorry for you loss OP. YANBU. You have not disrespected your DP and you are not losing your mind. Your DP's behaviour is disgusting and reprehensible. I find it astonishing that he could talk to you about priorities when you've just lost your mum and his only priority should be you - supporting you through your grief in any way he can. Instead he chooses to burden you with a fatuous argument about something you had no control over.
I'm afraid I would tell him to get a wheel-barrow, load his massive ego into it, and fuck right off.

I totally agree. This is really about OP's desperately insecure DP indulging in a willy waving competition with OP's XH and being angry because he feels like he lost. It's pathetic, ego-driven behaviour and utterly disrespectful to OP at such a difficult time for her. I'd want him out of my sight for a very long time, if not forever.