DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

What a dick.
XH was part of the family for 20 years, I presume your kids were present to at the house to before the funeral. To me it's completely normal for him to want to be there at the very least to support his kids. Your P should of gone in the house shook his hand exchanged pleasentries & got on with a very sad day supporting you.

LTB. So sorry for your loss.

At my Grandad’s funeral my ex (father of my child) was a pall bearer. We’d been split up for years but he had had a great relationship with my grandad so was more than happy to do it. Years later I still feel like it was the right thing to have done. It’s almost 6 years now since ex disappeared from our lives with no explanation. I only know that he’s alive as we receive £29.13 Child Maintenance deducted from him every month. I’m glad that he at least gave my Grandad the respect he deserved. I’m sorry for your loss OP

His behaviour to you in the aftermath of the shocking loss of your mum says a huge amount about who he is as a person.
i lost my mum unexpectedly last year at 69 and my DH was working abroad, flying back the day she died. Instead of going home he drove 7 hours to my parents' house to support me overnight, and 5 hours home again the next day, without being asked. That's a decent partner. Your man is a cunt, frankly. I know exactly, exactly where you are right now and the fact that your partner is picking a fight with you is beyond cruel.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please lean on the people who are genuinely there for you.

ETA my XH also came to the funeral 5 hours drive away - this is totally normal behaviour.

Even if he wasn’t a close friend of your brother and your ex hadn’t seen your mum in years, your DH would have been unreasonable to kick off. Your exH was close to your mother for many years, and he was there to support his own grieving children.

The fact he was invited by your brother and had an ongoing relationship with your mother means it’s even more reasonable for him to be there.

What a vile individual.

Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking that you are at fault in any way here. You don’t need to defend yourself in any way whatsoever. I would not be able to stay with a man who treated me with such disrespect and obvious lack of compassion. Don’t take a single word of his nonsense, his behaviour is beyond disgusting. You don’t need to say ‘what else could I have done?’ You are 100% in the right.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Your "dp" has shown you, that at one of the worst moments of your life, he will not be there for you, indeed he's making it all about him.
This relationship would be over, if it were me.
I am so sorry for your loss xx

My now ExH was an idiot at my mum's funeral, firstly saying he couldn't go because he couldn't get time off work before he'd even told them. Then getting drunk and not supporting me. It was a pattern of behaviour, it was a sudden traumatic death and he was not there to support me emotionally. That was 4 years ago, our relationship slowly went downhill until I was diagnosed with cancer and he moved out and told me never to contact him again and began divorce proceedings. A previous ex died and I was not 'allowed' to attend the funeral despite having maintained contact with the family.

Your partner has chosen the worst possible time to be a complete a hole. The fact that you have to AIBU means you already know but maybe aren't ready to take action. That's fine, no decisions have to be made immediately. Knowing you cannot rely on him to have your back at the worst moments of your life cannot be compensated for in other areas. Even if everything else in your life is perfect, he didn't respect that your ex is the father of your kids and was still involved in your family life. He was jealous and petty and made it about him. This won't be the only time and you are better not having a partner than having one who lets you down this badly.

Agree with all PPs.
I'm so sorry you've lost your mum so suddenly, and that your DP is making it all about him.

I doubt this behaviour has come out of the blue, it's just that you haven't seen it, previously, for what it is, or he's conditioned you to believe that it's always your fault. Have a read up on emotional abuse, and narcissists. I suspect a lot will resonate. Or maybe he's been on best behaviour until now, but now the mask has slipped and you've seen his true colours. How long have you been with DP?

Apart from this instance being unforgivable, I think there will be many, many more to follow. This is the behaviour I'd expect from a narcissistic emotional abuser, and it will only get worse - it's a personality disorder. He's unreasonably jealous, he's controlling, he's punishing you, he's making it all about him, he's blaming you, he's taking advantage of your vulnerability.
They can behave as a normal person initially, in a relationship, and they can do the same if you end it and they want to win you back, or periodically to give you just enough of the good times to make you stay, but they will always revert to type. It's a lost cause.
As others have said, I strongly suggest you end this relationship. It will destroy you.
It already has.

This 100%. What a wanker. Honestly OP, get rid. He is an emotional pygmy.

As soon as people start saying things like 'you are disrespecting me by.....' in a totally out of context way like this, I lose ALL respect for them.

@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft lose this waste of space man.

First condolences on the death of your mum.

Second at least you aren’t married to your twat of a partner, please get rid of him and don’t allow him to think that his behaviour is reasonable or ‘your fault’ for ‘disrespecting’ him.

He disrespects you and all your family by his disgusting behaviour.

"My mother has just died, my children have just lost their grandmother, so no, massaging your fragile ego is not a priority right now".

What an absolute arsehole. And I'm sorry you're having to deal with him acting like this on top of your own and your family's grief.

Making this whole situation about him

@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft really honestly I would pay another second trying to accommodate DP or his feelings I would say
“that would have been so much easier without you there, which to me says it all really”.

and then ask him to go

This is so wrong for many reasons and I’m so terribly sorry for your double loss here. I don’t think there’s any way back from this and I’d be incredibly worried about maintaining a relationship with this man. Your children’s’ father is and will always be family and it’s wonderful that you are both putting your children first. Your partner is an insecure bully.

This kind of insecure man panics and gets nasty and aggressively controlling the moment he thinks something might be more important to you than him. He's furiously angry that your mother's unexpected death is taking your attention away from him, and he's fixed on the presence of your ex as something he can "justifiably" be angry about - obviously his anger is completely unreasonable, but critical thinking is not a strong point for these men when they're feeling threatened. I don't say this to excuse him in any way: he's acting like the worst kind of selfish dick because that, fundamentally, is what he is.

He isnt your "d"p.
Hes an utter fucking cunt.
You need to be shot of him immediately. I would honestly never speak to someone again who did this.
So sorry you are dealing with this whilst grieving x

Your DP is a petulant child. I always say when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I think his behaviour is unforgivable. I know it’s easy for us to type LTB but his behaviour is totally out of line. He felt uncomfortable because he’s jealous of your ExH still being welcome into the family by your DB. The funeral wasn’t for DP, a real man would’ve swallowed his pride, supported you, and said nothing.

Anyway, I’m so sorry for the loss of your DM. To lose someone young, suddenly and unexpectedly is such a horrible shock to try to come to terms with. Be kind to yourself, and don’t take shit from people like DP x

Your XH had a perfectly good reason to be at the house. As father to your DC he would have been supporting the DC through the last journey of their beloved grandmother, and also offering support to his good friend your DB. If you'd had an acrimonious split then I could understand you may have reservations, but this doesn't appear to be the case.

Your partner is making this all about himself and his insecurities when he should have been supporting you. I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship if he can't be there for you during one of the toughest times of your life.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I’m sorry for your loss and my condolences to you at this difficult time.

Your DH is being an utterly selfish wanker.

im pleased there is a unanimous 100% vote for YANBU with over 1000 votes… Rare as there’s usually at least a few contrary voters however clear cut the issue is.

So sorry for your loss. Agree this would be the end of the road for he. He's a nutter.

What a fucking selfish prick. He thinks everything is about him, even the death of your DM. I don’t say this lightly but you need to put a rocket up his arse - if he cannot see sense it may be time to get rid.

This cannot be the first time this person has shown you he is but it would certainly be the last for me.
He has put his own selfishness first. His feelings before your Mum and how she must have suffered, before your shock and grief, before the shock and grief of your children, before the shock and grief of your DB. He's ignoring the long relationship your Ex had with your mother, the emotional support he can offer to you BD and his children. Your ex had every right to be there as a friend of your Mum.
His outburst has shown he does not respect or care about you. He has made a deeply emotional and no doubt traumatic time all about him. How dare he!! He has crossed a line and shown you who he is. Your last memories of your lovely Mum are tainted because of a deeply selfish bastard. At a time he should have been 100% there for you, he failed.

He's a selfish prick. He should ve supporting you. He's shown you hes a selfish twat. I'm sorry for your loss.