DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

Not much detailed advice needed. Just a simple case of: tell him to fuck right off.

He's an absolute ahitbag and should have supported you

Exactly, he is an asshole, he is making a huge transitive event in your life about him

That would be the end for me, if he can't be supportive when you've lost your mum, he's a dick and not worth it.

Sorry for your loss x

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. For you to be attacked by your boyfriend is an absolute disgrace. What a looser he is to kick off on a day like this. Shameful disgusting mindset.

This should be the end of the relationship. I know it will be hard when your mum's just died and you're grieving, and you don't have to do it right now, but he's told you how selfish and self centred he is and I couldn't carry on after that.

Does he always get nasty when he's not the centre of attention/not getting his own way? Does your birthday have to be about him or he sulks and slams doors, Mothers' Day ditto? Does he ever show you kindness and thoughtfulness, or does that only go in one direction in your relationship?

I feel this can't have come out of nowhere.

Massive red flag. He should have been supporting you and not putting his feelings first. Not just for you but for your children. Some people can’t cope when their needs don’t come first. I’d walk op.

As echoed my everyone here, he’s shown his true colours. Are you with him long ? I imagine it’s not long as surely controlling behaviour would have already emerged - or maybe it’s been subtle and harder to pinpoint than the terrible behaviour at the funeral.
While I know it will be tough now coping with the grief - you need to get rid of him and mourne your mum. Even look at it in terms of what would your dm want you to do in this situation ?

Good, easier to get rid of after showing such childish disrespect.

' I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority '

He is not a priority on the day you bury your mother ! Who does he think he is ?!!!

How dare he.

Sorry to say but your DP is a complete and total arse! I don’t think you should pander to this nonsense. If he can’t support you during such a traumatic and difficult time, he really needs to be shown the door! The cheek of some people! I feel like giving him a piece of my mind on your behalf!

Sorry for your loss @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft
Agree with everybody, your partner behaved like a twat, instead of supporting you at the most difficult time he let you down in such a nasty way.

Hope you're going to dump your "dp" OP. No excuses for that behaviour whatsoever and shows how little he cares about you.

Only family should be allowed? He is family. He's your children's dad!
You partner acted and is still acting disgustingly bad. He's should have been there to support you and he failed to show up for you. Get rid.

Instead of supporting you he was busy trying to control others and make the day about him. So sorry for your loss, get rid, hes too controlling and a big man baby

I always wonder who the 1% are on threads like this? Either nasty or very low bar.

Same. What a fucking asshole.

First and foremost, I'm so very sorry for your loss. So very hard to lose a parent and your DM was still so young.

Your partner has behaved despicably. He should be supporting you, not letting his selfish insecurities and bullishness take over. Give yourself a few days/weeks to take stock - however long you need. He's shown you who he really is and illustrated just how little he cares. You'll be much better off without him - I honestly don't see how you could ever forgive him for this.

This! So sorry for the loss of your mum Op.

^^ this.

Your "D"P is an insecure pathetic little man who, instead of greeting your ex as an equal with mutual respect, had a tantrum and made your mothers funeral all about him.

He can feel what he likes but the fact that he thinks that he can even voice this at all, nevermind now of all times shows that he is someone you need to get rid off as soon as possible.

Just to say how it can be......my DP helped me to move DD3 back from Uni last summer. Didnt have to, but he did. ExDH couldnt go as his car had a bad breakdown and mine wasnt big enough. When we got back Ex shook DPs hand, thanked him and offered him a beer, DP had the beer and they shifted DD;s stuff into the house together. This was the first time they met.

Basically this!!

I am so sorry about your mum, it must have been such a shock, 66 is no age!

I could write so much about how your DO is acting like such an immature twat & is. Ring so horrible & pathetic. He's let you down so badly. From this distance I'd say it would be the end for me, but in reality I'd probably stay with him while I was feeling so raw (after telling him to stop being so fucking pathetic) but it's only a matter of time before he keeps you down & maybe by then you'll be feeling strong enough to tell him to fuck iff & stay fucked off!

if you feel strong enough to tell him now you'll be doing the right thing!

be as kind to yourself as you can be & get as much love & support as you can from others! 🤗❤️

I take the charitable view that they hopefully hit the wrong button and then didnt realise that they can change their vote. Otherwise.....yeah, what you said.

You lost your mum suddenly and unexpectedly and he wants a dick measuring competition with your ex?

XH is amicable with you, close to your brother, regularly saw your mum and his children were grieving their grandma of course XH being there was normal

On the day you buried your mum, after losing her unexpectedly your current partner wanted it to be about him. That's who he is! Please DTB