DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

He is disgusting. I don't know how you can come back from this. Your Mum's funeral and all he cared about was some petty jealously?! He should have been there for you, but all he cared about was himself.

Get rid.

This is my most emphatic LTB, just leave. He has no empathy for you whatsoever.

As your mother was only 66 and you were with your ex for 20 years, I'm guessing you are in your 40s at the oldest, and your children are still children, so it's great for them that you have an amicable relationship. Your family obviously still consider him part of the family, and it was perfectly acceptable for him to be there at your mum's funeral.
Are you married to your partner, because you call him DH and DP? Presumably you haven't been with him that long, but he doesn't seem mature enough to understand that your ex will continue to be part of your wider family.

What an appalling display, making the day about him ☹️.
My condolences to you and your family 💐.

Don't know who the person is who voted YABU, but they should be ashamed of themselves.

Listen to the majority.
You deserve better. And I'm so sorry for your loss x

I'm very sorry for your loss
He's a selfish twat surround yourself with people that really care about you now

...shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.

It was just family. XH is the father of your mum's grandchildren, as a pp has pointed out.
Your partner is the one who isn't family if we go by the strict definition. You're not married, you don't have children together.

That 1% must have accidentally pressed the wrong vote button.
so sorry you’re dealing with this.
sending love.

So sorry to hear about your DM OP.

I cannot believe your DP is acting like that! Maybe not right away but I would seriously be reassessing the relationship. He is beyond dreadful.

This.
With bells on.

What an awful person he is. There is no way I could get past this.

He is a twat.

Your XH has every right to go to the funeral or house.

If he felt uncomfortable, that is what it is, but adults suck it up in these situations. Funerals are places where families come together and often even estranged ones, it is common for people to be uncomfortable.

I do wonder - does your partner come from a family where funerals are only very private? That seems more common than it used to be. It might to some extent account for his reaction.

Firstly, I am very sorry about your DM's death.
I can't believe your DP had an issue, is he usually such a selfish prick?
Thats unforgivable.

Your DP has treated you appallingly. And on the day of your mother’s funeral. That is unforgivable. Unless he’s a truly awful person, your XH should have been there regardless if he’s friends with DB because he is the father of your DC who have just lost their DGM. And he was married to you for 20 years. What happens when your DC get married, graduate, have children of their own? Is XH not allowed to be near them or pissy man baby throws a fit?

get rid. don‘t waste one minute more on this pathetic man

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mother. Honestly, I echo what another poster has said: this would be the end of the relationship for me. How dare he tantrum and manipulate - you are vulnerable and grieving. There is no explanation that would make this okay.

So sorry for your loss.

When my mum died a few years ago my sister's exDH asked if he could come to the funeral. Of course he was told yes. He had, after all, known her for years and she was his children's GM.

Your "D"P sounds like a self-centred arse. Thank goodness he isn't a DH. Get rid of this one.

This exactly. He needs to grow up and be civil. Lots of second spouses manage it without feeling insecure. So sorry for your loss OP , you really don't need his behavior on top of it x

This is your hour of need and he's not supporting you. He's doing the opposite. He's making it about him. He has shown you who he is and it's not good. You deserve better.

He is vile. Totally vile. Like what he expected, for you to shoot down all your previous relatives because, he the new man-god appeared into your life. He is vile

He’s bugger all use in the hard times, that’s for sure.

Your dp is a Class A bell end. You deserve so much better. I'm sorry about your mum

I don’t know how long you have been with your “D”P but this is not the behaviour you should be receiving when you have just lost your mum. Petty arguments about ex-H are irrelevant. His role is to support you in getting through the funeral and helping you to grieve and recover through this period.
If he isn’t doing this, what is he bringing to the party.
Ditch him

OP, this is my first ever LTB.

I'm absolutely raging for you. What a fucking prick. How dare he behave this way and treat you like this when he should be doing everything he can to support and care for you when you've just lost your mother.

It's seriously abusive for him to use a time like this to be a jealous childish dick when you most need him to be a dependable and loving partner.

Please know that you are worth much more than this and take good care of yourself by leaving this self centred man baby.

I'm so sorry for your loss. xx

your “D”P is being an absolute twat. He should be supporting you in whatever way he can and instead he’s throwing a tantrum and making things all about him.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum.

So sorry about yout lovely mum. As for your DP, I’m sorry he has chosen to be so horrible to you when you are grieving her loss. He doesn’t have your back, I’m afraid. Be kind to yourself even if he can’t 💐

I’m so sorry for the terrible loss of your mum at such a young age. You must be in shock.

Your partner’s behaviour is actually unforgivable. How dare he? How dare he make the day about him and his own inadequacies? He was not there for you, on the worst day of your life.

Of course your XH should have been there, given the role he played in your family. Your partner’s behaviour is wrong and for me, he has crossed a line. He has shown his true colours. I’m so sorry OP. He has made a hard day, even harder. You have every right to feel upset, let down and heart broken at his dreadful behaviour.