DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

“D”P can spin on it. Throw this one back.

Well thank goodness for that. Easier to dump.

Your mother has died and he's made it all about him. Dump him.

Im so sorry for the loss of your mum.

Your partner is pretty awful, isn't he? This is a dreadful time for you, and he's making it worse. Is this the first time he's shown this crappy aspect of his character?

I agree with what everyone else is saying, get rid.
Sorry for your loss.

Agree with this. I don’t think I could see a future. The DC also lost their grandparent & so they would have appreciated the support.

Sorry my brain is mashed right now

This
As much as I appreciate that relationships can have challenges that need to be addressed, I think this situation should make you seriously think about whether you want to continue living with him OP.
You are experiencing the enormity of the loss of your mum and he should have 100pc supported you.
Instead, he is playing mind games with you and behaving like a spoilt child.
Take care OP

So just to summarise, apparently you're terrible because someone else entirely (your DB) allowed their friend into their own home - a home the friend goes to regularly - on a date that your DP wasn't happy with. And so to punish you for this heinous crime your DP has withdrawn support in the wake of your mother's death?

Who the fuck does your DP think he is to decide who your brother is allowed to have in his own home?

Please please tell me you don't live with this man as he's a nasty, controlling prick and the sooner you are rid of him, the better.

DP is an absolute asshole.

His children's grandmother died. It would have been very poor form for him not to attend.

I'm sorry you are being subjected to this crap, at what is a difficult enough time with your DP adding to it.

Your other half needs cutting from your life to make you whole again.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your partner should be supporting you and not piling on more stress. This time should be about honouring your mum, supporting your siblings and prioritising your own needs, and you shouldn't have to worry about your partner's ego or his petty jealousies.

Take care of yourself. The world won't make much sense at all at the moment. Surround yourself with people who genuinely want to help.

XH is the father of DM 3 grandchildren. DH needs to stop behaving like a 16 year old.

Get rid. Don’t even think twice about it.

You tell him he should be supporting you and not expecting you to police your brother’s friends
Add he’s let you down and disappointed you. His behaviour has also caused you to loose respect for him

I could not forgive this level of selfishness, what a wanker. I am so so sorry for your loss. You have done nothing wrong and please don’t let him make you believe that you have. I’m angry for you, such a prick x

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum 💐

Frankly, if your partner cannot behave like a grown up and support you during the most difficult times in your life, he's not the person you should be with. Whatever his feelings about your ex-husband, he should be able to be polite and adult enough to put those feelings aside.

He has shown you who he really is - believe him. You'd be better off without him.

‘No, you weren’t my priority on the day of my mother’s funeral, and the fact that you expected to be shows me that you’re not a suitable partner for me.’ Does he expect priority over your children, too?

He needs to grow up and stop being so selfish and insecure.

Your DP/DH was disrespectful to you and your family

I'm so sorry for your loss @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft

I am glad to hear that you haven't married this awful man. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. He has shown you who he really is, a narcissistic loser whose insecurities caused him to fail to support you during a terrible time.

He is not your "other half" - he barely even likes you. He is only in the relationship for his own benefit and does not care about your wellbeing. You need him out of your life. You must get him out of your kids' lives. Get him gone.

Sometimes people make hard decisions so much easier. When you think back on this week every anniversary of your poor mum’s funeral, is this is the really shitty thing you’ll want to remember or your excellent decision to fuck this cunt into touch?

He’s saying that you’ve disrespected him?! Wtf? If there’s been any disrespect - and there has been - it’s his, of you after suddenly losing your mum.

I’m shocked at what I’m reading. He is behaving appallingly to you!

It may not be the right time immediately but you need to really reconsider the relationship. You don’t treat someone you love in this way and especially not when they are newly bereaved.

My partners ex was invited by my partner to MIL’s funeral as they were a big part of each others lives for a long time. I would have found it more strange for partners ex to NOT pay respects. This is how normal adults behave. Teenagers squabble over ex’s, adults respect people have had a life before (and after) them.

You will never get a chance to re-do the day of your mother's funeral. No matter what he says now, no matter how contrite he is - he has taken that day from you forever - the day you said goodbye to her. I would never speak to him again.

I can just imagine him sulking outside, while you desperately try to convince him to come in. This was you mums funeral, if he can the a decent, caring and loving partner then, then he’s not worth having. I’d leave him, put your children first.