DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

Maybe after 20 years of marriage, people felt that he actually belonged there, more so than the recent boyfriend.

Where does OP say that he's there "all the time"? You seem to be making up a story that doesn't exist. What makes you think he hasn't moved on?

Your boyfriend disrespected you at a time when he should have been supporting you and not making it about him.

He can't make you erase 20+ years of life and your children's family relationships to make him feel special.

I am sorry for your loss, OP. Another saying you need to get rid of this vile specimen.

Your partner sounds like a selfish, childish prat who couldn’t just grow up and be there for you at the most difficult of times. That would be the end of things for me.

OP he is absolute SCUM! He put his insecurity, ego and need for control over your needs and the needs of your brother, the needs of your children and your family. If this were me, there would be no coming back from this. How dare he act like this, to your and your children, when you needed him the most? He is absolute scum. I'd walk away from him and never look back. That's it, he's done his dash. You're a doormat if you don't, and letting your children and brother down.

Well thank goodness he's not your husband, because he's an absolute dickhead. He's shown his true colours by making your mother's funeral all about him, instead of supporting you when you are newly bereaved.

I'm sorry for your loss.

This is the 1st thread I’ve ever seen where 100% of people are saying YANBU.

Your partner made the pre-funeral arrangements about his needs, not yours. He is now trying to sideline your grief with his neediness. Is he selfish in other ways too?

My ex boyfriend (yes I know not quite the same) who I hadn't seen for 20 years came to my DM's funeral. He used to visit her a lot. I thought it was a lovely gesture of him to attend.

Your "P" is being awful, this is about your grief and not his "toddler tantrum"

I would be seriously questioning my future with him

Edited to add my DH didn't have a problem with this

I'm so sorry for your loss. He's shown his true colours. I don't think I could ever forgive him for not only not supporting you but actively attacking you when you most needed support.

Your partner sounds very childish and self-centred. I find myself imagining him expecting to be the centre of your attention all the time - and obviously your mother's funeral was the centre of your attention, so he had a childish tantrum. If it hadn't been about your ExH being there (and he should have been!), it would have been about something else, because it's all about him making himself the centre of your attention.

I can but hope this shocking incident has made the scales fall from your eyes regarding this awful man. He has vividly shown you who he is, and who he is is a total prick. He will always be like this, will always expect you to constantly stroke his massive ego. He clearly will never support you in times of need - and your mother's death and funeral is a massive time of need. All his whinging about you disrespecting him when he has just massively disrespected you, your mother, your entire family. He's an absolute prick.

I can only hope that, seeing who he actually is and that he will never support you, you extricate yourself from this relationship, because it will hollow you out if you stay with him.

Bin him off darling, you can do so much better.

Sorry for your loss, 66 is no age at all.

Thank God you're not married! Please don't waste another 5 minutes on this absolute moron.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank goodness you haven't married this nasty insecure twat.
Your poor children if they have been.exposed to him.
Keep him away from them.

Sorry for your loss, @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft

I agree with others - he has absolutely shown you who he is and that is someone who fails to support you when you need it most and instead makes a big fuss of putting himself first.

You deserve better. Time to end it.

I am so sorry for your loss @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft

💐.

I have no words for your DP’s behaviour. This would be relationship ending for me. And personally, I would action the break up immediately so that I could be left alone to grieve in peace.

Sorry for your loss.
I agree with PP your boyfriend made it all about him when he should be supporting you at this most difficult time.
Your exH is friends with your B, who invited him to be at the house and funeral. Its also clear that your exH had a good relationship with your DM. Totally normal and understandable.
Please take time to look after yourself xxx

Show him this thread

1. I‘‘m so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum.
2. Your DP is an absolute knob.
3. You deserve so much better and should think about leaving this selfish scumbag.

It's incredible your DP chooses this moment to attack you. He's an immature jealous attention-seeker.
He deserves to be flung out the window, metaphorically speaking of course.

This is absolutely dreadful behaviour from your partner. He is the one in the wrong here 150%. I cannot see how he can ever make amends for behaving so appallingly badly on one of the most difficult days of your life.

your ex had every right to be there as a long time family member, now friend and to support his children as well as pay his own respects.
I lost my DH earlier this year, I specifically invited his first wife (divorced about 40 years ago, they married very young) to his funeral because I thought it's a tricky one for exes and she should be there if she wants to. She came and I was really pleased she did. That's how adults behave...
Please, find your anger at his behaviour and get rid of the pathetic little manchild.

OMG, what the hell have I just read?! The boyfriend is an absolute waste of a human skin. When you’re at your most vulnerable and distressed he attacks you and makes events all about him, his wounded pride and your so called lack of respect?! Wow. There are many words to describe this behaviour, and particular terms to describe his sort of personality. None of them are pleasant.

I am so sorry about your DM. She was young and you should have had her for longer. Get rid of the toxic man-child - I guarantee your life will be more peaceful as you work through your grief if he’s no longer part of it.

It’s fairly normal that at funerals people put aside any bad feeling and smile politely/give condolences to people they are not normally happy to share space with.

For instance, my mum attended her ex-partners’s sister’s funeral. She is still close to ex’s adult children and was friends with his sister. She HATES her ex, for good reason, but at the funeral she spoke with him briefly to share a memory of his sister and gave her condolences (as despite being a shit partner he loved his sister) The funeral was about his sister’s close family and her memory- nothing else.

Your partner has shown himself to be rude and selfish.

What a narcissist. He is behaving appallingly. It won't improve

Sounds (from the first page) like you ditched a better man than the one you’re now with. I’m sure there’s more. But current partner sounds a nob.