DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

Would be my ex partner now if he cannot stand by you at this awful time

How long have you been with this man, OP?

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your DH is behaving abominably.

Sorry for your loss .In the midst of your grieving your dp decided to make a non issue a big deal. I'd be rethinking the relationship. Your ex had every right to be there to support his children and his friend and even you . He knew your mother a long time and i am sure he will miss her too. Your partner didn't step up to support you when you needed him . What age are your children? Your ex will likely be in your life for sometime, you share children.

Wow, he really wants to make it all about himself. Abhorrent behaviour imo.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. My circs were slightly different but when my DM died suddenly (also 66) my DP made things harder not easier. I couldn’t forgive him. it wasn’t the first time he’d made my difficulties harder, I’m sure that’s the same for you too.

Please get rid of him now, don't waste another say of your life with him. He has shown you who he is, don't make excuses for his vile behaviour.

What will happen when your children marry, have significant birthdays, children etc.? What does your new partner expect that future to look like for you? Is your previous partner a danger to your family?
If not, your new partner is a controlling partner who does not care at all for what is best for you, or your children.
so sorry you have lost your Mum, don't think grief is clouding your judgement on this though.

Poor you OP, I'm so sorry that your partner is being so despicable just when he needed to step up and be supportive to you. I hope you find the strength to end this relationship and get rid of this horrible, self-centred man. You and your family do not need him in your lives. He has shown you what a selfish and cruel man he is underneath.

I'm sorry about your mum, it sounds like it's been a terrible shock as well.

What an utter prick. Imagine making this about him?

Please see this as the wake up it is and dump him.

I hear you but in this particular case, I just wonder does the ex husband really need to be in Ops mums house all the time. He doesn’t seem to have moved on.

Must be so tough losing your mum at such a relatively young age.

Also, for your kids to lose their grandma.

Remaining friends with your children’s other parent, and them remaining part of the extended family, should be a priority if safe and healthy to do so, though of course not everyone can do it for various reasons.

A loving partner should respect and support that and be there for their DP when they’ve lost a parent and their kids have lost a grandparent.

Focus on what’s best for you and your kids. Surround yourself with people who are respectful, loving, kind and supportive in response to your grief. Avoid those who aren’t. Allow yourself time to grieve.

All the best ❤️

Oh OP, how utterly dreadful for you. Losing your lovely DM is a massive and heartbreaking life event where you needed his support and he made it about him. When you’re thinking more clearly I hope you realise that you deserve better. No loving partner would behave like this, it will not be an isolated incident.

Sorry for your loss. Just another adding to the chorus of get rid of the immature fuckwit when you are up to it.

So sorry for your loss OP 💐 please take care of yourself and your children

if your mum was only 66 and you were with your ex for 20 years you cannot have been with you current partner for very long, I really hope that this makes you reconsider if you can continue the relationship.

Your ex, aside from being your brothers friend, had been your mothers son in law for 20 years and is her grandchildren’s father, he had every right to be there supporting the family.

Your current partner has behaved appallingly, it’s was classic control tactics to make it all about him.
you didn’t beg him hard enough to come into the house
you didn’t spend the day gently stroking his ego and making sure he was looked after and wasn’t uncomfortable
you didn’t prioritise his feelings and the need to be center of attention

Of course you didn’t, on the most distressing day of you life he behaved like and absolute shite and should be tossed out with the rest of the rubbish.

So so sorry about your Mum OP.
Your DP is a shitbag.

I really hope you’ve binned him @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft. Of all the times when you need support and kindness he’s made it all about him. What a nasty piece of work he is.

I have never advised someone to leave their partner but on this occasion I would. He is a horrible person who only cares about himself. If you can't rely on someone to support you in such a dark moment, you can't rely on them at all.

I am sorry for your loss x

When you are vulnerable you need to know that, even if your partner doesn't actually 'step up' the way they should, that they will not make it all about them & take the opportunity to 'put the boot in'. If so then you are better with no partner.

I know as my exH behaviour gradually worsened until he was acting out on every occasion, to make it all about him (inc when his son was in heart failure & his other ASD child needed support as I was in A&E with the one who was ill)

I would take the time you need to grieve for your Mother (maybe get some support - Cruse where very helpful when my Mother died a complicated death).
Then I would consider whether it is worth keeping your partner in your life x

Oh my gosh. What an utterly awful person. I am so sorry for your loss. Please be very calm and firm with him - either he apologises profusely and supports you, and acts like a grown up about your very healthy dynamic with XH, or he can do one.

@ClutchingPearlz

I take it you have missed the part where OP said that her ex is a good friend of her DB? Ex H was also there to support his friend.

Your ‘D’P is quite possibly the most pathetic streak of piss I’ve ever heard of OP. Get rid, he’s truly awful. I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum

I’m so sorry for your loss - I would lean on your relationship with your family like your brother and kids for now and when you’ve somewhat recovered think long and hard about if DP is someone you can trust as a lifetime partner. It seems clear he is incapable of putting your needs first at a horrific time - I’m imagining that also reflected who he is other times.

On a day that you needed support, he threw a tantrum and made it all about him. That was hugely disrespectful to you.

You need a serious talk with him about why he behaved like that. If it is insecurity then he needs to grow up. You are with him not XH.

He may not be the one for you though, if this is how he behaves. If you and XH get on, then he will always be at family events with your DC, special birthdays, graduations, weddings etc. Is your DP going to behave like this every time and ruin it for you?

That would be a dealbreaker for me on so many levels. He picked a fight when you had just lost your mum, his insecurity is off the scale and going forward (which I'm hoping you don't with him), he is making it clear that your refreshingly amicable relationship with your ex does not work for him. What about future occasions where hour ex will presumably be in the mix - DCs birthdays, graduations, etc - do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying not upset this insecure immature man-child, or risk damaging the relationship that you have with your ex just to pacify him? It's not often that the poll results are as conclusive as this one.