DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

[Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft]

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

Excellent. Do you have any joint assets (house, renting together, etc)?

You won’t recovered from this selfish attitude and response to a time when you needed support and he's acted in such a knobish way, it’s not about him and it’s unforgivable behaviour , cut ties, spend time grieving the loss of your DM and prioritise yourself x

Wow what a Prince, making the loss of your mother all about himself.
This one is for the bin. You can do better.

For the sake of opening up the debate I can kind of understand why he might have felt pushed out. Your mum's passing wasn't the time to raise it but your ex husband does seem quite embedded into your wider family and that must be difficult for your partner. I mean I can understand your ex husband having a friendly co parenting relationship with you, but if people here were being really honest (which they are not) and this was the other way round they'd all find it a bit weird for an ex wife to constantly be round their boyfriends mums house all the time and wouldn't feel comfortable about it.

One of the worst days of your life and he made it all about him .

Being completely honest, that’s not the case here. My exH attends some of my family event (eg my niece’s wedding - he’s still their uncle as far as she’s concerned) and nobody throws a tantrum, including my DP - or me for that matter. Because we aren’t children.

Over 1000 votes and its 100% yanbu.

I hope you realise how significant that is OP. It never happens, not even on the ones where it should.

I would be so very done with him.

Partners are supposed to be supportive and helpful in times of crisis.
Partners are supposed to be secure in their relationships.
He is none of these things.

I don't think I could forgive this, he should have been supporting you on a really difficult day and caused you more stress instead. Sorry for your loss.

thank heaven's for that. Get rid!
So sorry for your loss.

Don't you mean ex partner! What a complete knob he is.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You must be feeling very overwhelmed by everything at the moment.

If your DP was a good man, he’d have said nothing about how HE FEELS, and would have put all his energy into supporting you but as it is, he’s made it all about himself and expecting you to pander to him.

My ex did something similar when my mum died as I discovered he’d been having an affair with a woman at work whilst I’d been driving up and down the motorway to visit my DM in hospital whilst she was dying.

Thankfully, my rage took over and I kicked him out and later got him to sign papers to allow me to take over the mortgage.

You’re probably feeling too overwhelmed to deal with this just now, but when things have settled a bit, you need to get rid of him. He has badly let you down when you needed him the most and you must not ever forget or forgive him for that. You deserve so much more. xx

Tell him to fuck off. What an absolute arse hole.

News flash - this is not about him.

That’s massive red flag 🚩. If he felt like that (which he shouldn’t) he should have kept it to himself. Deal breaker!!

Oh god so sorry for your loss. Tell partner to take a flying fuck to himself! If it's your house also tell him to leave for a few days till you get yourself together ❤️

So sorry you lost your Mum OP, what a shock and how very sad.

Your DP is obviously in the wrong and is an unkind controlling bully.

Your XH is your Mum’s grandchildren’s Dad. Family for 20 years. And as your DC’s Dad will ALWAYS be in your life in some way, shape or form.

So if your DP is too insecure to cope with this he needs to be gone.

How many other events does he want your XH banned from? Kids school events, graduations, weddings?

Real men conduct themselves with dignity and confidence even in situations which test their comfort.

They don’t turn on the woman and blame her when she is at her most vulnerable.

I’m so sorry op. She was so young, 66 is no age. It’s really sad your partner is an immature twat. Making it all about him when he should be supporting you. It’s none of his business what your ex did re visiting etc, he should have been focused on making sure you are ok. I’d park it for now if possible and just focus on getting though the next few days/weeks. A serious chat is required I think, or just dump him(!), but now maybe isn’t the time for knee jerk responses, take some time. Take care.

OP's ex-DH is more part of the family than OP's current partner. He is the father of OP's mum's grandchildren as well as being a really close friend of OP's brother.

I can't believe that you are defending OP's childish and sulky DP. His behaviour towards his grieving partner is unforgivable. He is adding to her pain at this awful time for her. I hope she gets rid of him soon.

You call him you your partner, which is interesting.

Partners work together, they are united as a team. They work together support each other. One holds up the other when they cant hold themself. They are each other's rock and anchor.

This man's behaviour is abhorrent. Just when you really need your "partner", he has not only failed to fulfil his duty, he has deliberately made a difficult time even harder. That's cruel.

If he cant be there for you at a time like this then he's worse than useless, he's a burden. I'd advise you to get rid.

That would be it for me.
I've lost my mum and could barely function when it happened.
It's not the time for jealousy

If it were me I'd see it like this; my Mums final gift to me is showing who my partner really was. I would then end the relationship. Life is hard and we need people we can rely on.

He is a grief vulture who has made this distressing time about him and has used this as an excuse to tear strips off you and make you feel worse.

If he is such a big man, why doesn’t he speak to your brother instead of harassing you at our lowest? Because he’s a coward.

Use this opportunity to tell him to leave (I hope you’re in your own home).

Came here to say the same thing

Unforgiveable IMO. Selfish, self abrosrbed behaviour and he has clearly given no thought to you and your feelings, only his own

I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship

My word @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft I do t think I’ve read some thing as awful as that for a while. Your head must be spinning whikst your heart is broken (and breaking).

Im really sorry you’ve just lost your mum. That must have been a real shock. 💐💐

Your DP attitude has been despicable. Hes just berated you instead of supporting you. Made the day about himself rather than you. As other posyers, I dint think it’s forgivable.

However, I also think just now, you dint have to make big decisions UNLESS you want to.
Just dint forget the hurt he created. And your anger.

Your XH is family, he's the biological father of your DM's grandchildren. He is also a close friend of your brother, who lives in the house. Your partner is self-absorbed and disrespectful to you, that he couldn't prioritise your comfort over his own. Are you surprised that he hasn't supported you at a very distressing time or is this typical of him?