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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 27/09/2025 08:08

Thank goodness you are not married

Dump!

MrsDoubtfire1 · 27/09/2025 08:09

Current husband, partner, whatever - you need to lay into him. He must be glad he is not married to me or else I would have really torn a strip off him and he would be sulking in the corner. Who is this man child you have saddled yourself with? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your natural attached to this 'garden shed' ? He needs to go.

Auroraloves · 27/09/2025 08:10

I’m so sorry for your loss. The only unreasonable person here is partner, hope son to be XP

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 27/09/2025 08:11

No of course you aren't being unreasonable.

The funeral of your mother means people put away petty jealousies for the sake of their partner, their families etc.

That your partner was unable to do this shows a shocking level of immaturity where he made something about you and your grief about his ego.

Maybe he felt insecure, maybe he felt self conscious being in the same setting as your ex DH who obviously gets along with your family and continues to do so, but for him to put his feelings front and centre is outrageous.

More to the point, if he is unable to help you through the grieving process and support you, maybe it's time for a bit of space.

LittleMG · 27/09/2025 08:13

Oh Op I’m so sorry for you. I lost my mum almost a year ago, her funeral was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life I can’t bet the person who’s supposed to have your corner is treating so badly. This is so out of order. Sending love and strength to you

Lighteningstrikes · 27/09/2025 08:14

I’m so sorry for your sad loss 💓💐

What your DP did to you is unforgivable.

Lotsofsnacks · 27/09/2025 08:14

Get rid, it’s just going to get worse when there’s graduations, kids weddings etc etc. now all your memories of what such have been a peaceful send off for your mum, is going to be a man child kicking off, instead of sucking it up and supporting you when you really needed it. To be honest there was no sucking it up needing to be done; you and ex are amicable, it’s worrying hes got such a big problem with it - don’t let him spoil this nice relationship you have you your ex, for your kids sakes.

MikeRafone · 27/09/2025 08:15

I'd be telling him to fuck off fast and not come back until he can learn empathy, kindness, humility and some respect for others who are grieving their mother - instead of being a self centred narcissistic like twat on the day of my mothers funeral. The whole world doesn't revolve round him, he isn't 2 years old

BitOutOfPractice · 27/09/2025 08:20

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum.

This would be a relationship ender for me. He is a just horrible.

I always think people who demand respect like this, and have hissy fit when they feel disrespected, are the people who deserve respect the least.

BlueFlowerOwl · 27/09/2025 08:22

I’m too late to vote on this thread but I’m pleased to see it is 100% YANBU, as it should be.
So sorry for your loss OP 💐

EvieWonderSpaghettiHoops · 27/09/2025 08:24

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:33

We are not married, he is my partner / other half not husband, sorry if Ive used the wrong description.

Edited

In that case, get rid! He has shown you his true colours. You can do better.

meandmygirlstogether · 27/09/2025 08:24

He is a vile arsehole who has somehow managed to make the death of your beloved Mother all about him. Get rid with immediate effect.

OhNoNotSusan · 27/09/2025 08:26

i am so sorry for your loss op @Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft
and also sad for the reaction of your so called partner, making it about himself - that is awful

Nessiesfoodprovider · 27/09/2025 08:28

I'm sorry for your loss. 66 is no age at all these days.
Your partner should have put his feelings aside and been by your side for the day. Whether he agreed with things or not. It sounds as though he was there primarily as your brother's friend. It's certainly your brother's choice to have whomever he wishes in his home!
This could well be the thing that defines the rest of your relationship. Any small arguments may well be dragged back to 'and you didn't even ...' about your ex being in your mum's home before the funeral.
Once things aren't so raw, I'd be thinking hard about this partner.

JoBrandsCleaner · 27/09/2025 08:31

Oh I’d just get rid of him. Jealous people are tedious at the best of times never mind this. You’ve just lost your mum and he hasn’t thought even for a minute how you are, it’s still all about him.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/09/2025 08:32

GCAcademic · 26/09/2025 22:21

That would be the end of the relationship for me. At one of the most difficult times of your life he has chosen (because it is an active choice) not to support you but to tear strips off you.

I agre!!
@Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft tell him to leave if you can .
Is he your husband or partner ?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 27/09/2025 08:32

Your partner is making your mum’s death about him. How dare he?!!! I’d be dumping him over this.

Pomegranatecarnage · 27/09/2025 08:32

He’s made everything about him. It’s totally normal for an ex to retain a relationship with former in-laws. I am very sorry about your Mum. Your DP has shown his true colours.

Onlycoffee · 27/09/2025 08:35

Your X is also your DCs / dm's grandchildren's father, so he is still family.

So sorry for your loss. When we lost fil my sil's X attended the house snd travelled in the family car to support my niece and nephews.

sunshine244 · 27/09/2025 08:42

This is the first time I've seen a 100% vote on MN.

Yanbu, and I'm sorry your oh has done this.

The turning point for my abusive marriage was when one of my parents died and my ex made it all about himself. He moaned about missing work, argued with a relative, and ignored my upset. I asked for a divorce a few months later.

FamingolosForDays · 27/09/2025 08:44

It's perfectly ok for him to feel a bit awkward.
It is NOT ok to tear strips off you, or even raise it at all in the wake of your loss.

My BIL's ex partner attended the funeral of both PIL. They hadn't been together for 20 years nor are they remotely civil. They have a child together. On both occasions everyone in family greeted her like the person she is- DNs mother. DN lost both his grandparents and she wanted to pay her respects, no-one questioned why she was there! BIL thanked her for attending both times.

Im sorry for your loss and I along with everyone else would absolutely throw this one back in the sea. Big hugs. I hope your children are ok xx

Fedupwithnamechanging · 27/09/2025 08:51

It's not really about your ex - he's making it all about him as he feels he's obviously not your full focus when you're grieving your dear mum. He's a selfish puerile man at a time when you need his full support. He's shown his true colours so you need to think about whether he's worth keeping around.

Tolkienwasright · 27/09/2025 08:58

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please have a look at the Bereavement thread on here - it’s a kind and supportive thread. As to your Partner, I have no words. He has behaved appallingly at one of the hardest times of your life. This is a time for you, your thoughts and feelings. He has turned it around to be about him which is unforgivable.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 27/09/2025 09:00

Sorry for your loss. Please show him this thread. You are not responsible for his insecurities and he has behaved appallingly. Has he apologised? If not then I would probably be rethinking nyhe relationship as he has shown his true colours.

Murfmeister · 27/09/2025 09:03

I'm sorry for your loss.

He has behaved appallingly and shown you who he is. Be grateful you are not married. Easier to leave the twat.

My dad came to my mum's funeral even though they had been divorced for many years. My step-dad didn't batt and eyelid. My ex husband came to my grandfather's funeral because they liked eachother and he wanted to pay his respects. That's how grown ups act, not throwing a tantrum and making it about themselves when you are at your most vulnerable.

Look after yourself x