Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH kicked off because XH attended deceased DMs home before funeral

312 replies

Over40andNotalotofpatienceleft · 26/09/2025 22:13

Not sure if title makes sense to be honest. But here goes.
I’m really struggling with the recent loss of my DM.
DM was v poorly and kept it to herself, this was normal she never wanted to be a burden or bother (she was neither). Admitted to hospital and died the next day.

I buried my DM 3 days ago. DP has just tore strips off me because my XH attended my DMs house before her funeral. Id just like to add that I had been with XH for twenty years we have 3 DCs, we are amicable and he has remained friends with DB since our split, DB also lived with DM so XH visited regularly and spent a lot of time at DMs house.

I had arranged for family to meet at DMs prior to funeral and follow funeral car to chapel of rest. XH was invited to come to DMs home by DB.

DP is angry, he wouldn’t come in to DMs home prior to funeral. I tried to convince him to come in but he insisted he was more comfortable outside. I respected his decision & tried not to make a big thing of it. The day passed as a bit of a blur to be honest. Today DH said he was made to feel uncomfortable as XH should not have been at DM/DB home and I should’ve banned him.
I’ve told DH he is being ridiculous as it wasn’t my call and XH being there was irrelevant. I also said that regardless of who was there he should’ve sucked it up and been there for me instead of waiting outside and then throwing it in my face at the first opportunity.
I’m absolutely broken. My DM was 66 and we should not have been laying her to rest but he is adamant that I’ve disrespected him and shown him that he is not a priority by allowing XH in to DMs home when it should’ve been just family.
I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but am I wrong to expect him to not be a dick right now or was I unreasonable and completely dropped the ball?

OP posts:
Citrusbergamia · 27/09/2025 07:26

PirateDays · 27/09/2025 06:59

Your DP is being out of order to make such a hard time even harder. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

However, gently, I can see why he was upset that your ex was at the house before the funeral and despite being friends, I don't think it was on for your brother to invite your ex-husband to what is usually the private family-only apart of a funeral, knowing your partner would be there. Your ex could easily have attended the funeral at the venue and none of these issues would have arisen.

Utter rubbish.

If DP felt uncomfortable then he just sucks it up for a few bloody hours; he doesn't get to vocalise how HE feels on such a sad day for the OP. And OP's DB can 'invite' who the hell he wants into his own home!

Zanatdy · 27/09/2025 07:26

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him and not sure I could move on from that.

ClassActlaptop · 27/09/2025 07:26

What an absolute prick

whimsicallyprickly · 27/09/2025 07:27

PirateDays · 27/09/2025 06:59

Your DP is being out of order to make such a hard time even harder. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

However, gently, I can see why he was upset that your ex was at the house before the funeral and despite being friends, I don't think it was on for your brother to invite your ex-husband to what is usually the private family-only apart of a funeral, knowing your partner would be there. Your ex could easily have attended the funeral at the venue and none of these issues would have arisen.

Really? THATS your answer? Let's pander to the narcissist partner? Sort yourself out 🙄

Thegreyhound · 27/09/2025 07:27

BessieSurtees · 27/09/2025 07:22

Of course he's not the priority why should he be. Do not get used to being treated like this. How long have you been with this man?

For context when my DM died my ex DH came to her funeral and my current DH asked him if he wanted to stay over at ours as he had driven a long way. OK maybe a bit extreme but the point being this is about you and your needs not his.

This is how it should be- everyone in support of the person who has lost a loved one.

FourCatMama · 27/09/2025 07:28

What about when your children have sports/academic activities, weddings, christenings of grandchildren???? Will he expect you to tell ex not to come? You are co-parenting either your ex. He needs to suck it up. Really you do and get rid of him!!!

I'm so sorry about your mama. I lost mine seven years ago and still miss her on a daily basis.

IVbumble · 27/09/2025 07:35

This man does not love you - he is showing you this by his actions.

What he does love is making you miserable - it's his life work.

If you stay with him he will make every birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Valentines day etc miserable for you.

Ginmonkeyagain · 27/09/2025 07:36

You DP is being a massively immature cock. Your ex is quite within his rights to pay his respects to a woman who was in his life for many years and was the grandmother of his children.

In fact he is displaying decent and mature behaviour, unlike your current partner.

LoudSnoringDog · 27/09/2025 07:38

What a twat

Sevenamcoffee · 27/09/2025 07:38

Fucking he’ll, that’s absolutely shocking behaviour from the partner. I’m very sorry for your loss OP.

aWeeCornishPastie · 27/09/2025 07:42

Please dump this man child. He ruined your mother’s funeral and made it about him. Unforgivable in my book

Fernticket · 27/09/2025 07:45

BirdShedRevisited · 27/09/2025 05:36

This 100%. What a wanker. Honestly OP, get rid. He is an emotional pygmy.

Show quote history

This. OP please get rid for the sake of you and your family, including your DB.
PS. Love the phrase 'emotional pygmy '.

ClassActlaptop · 27/09/2025 07:46

Namenamchange · 26/09/2025 22:52

I can just imagine him sulking outside, while you desperately try to convince him to come in. This was you mums funeral, if he can the a decent, caring and loving partner then, then he’s not worth having. I’d leave him, put your children first.

I can actually see it!!

georgiegold · 27/09/2025 07:49

So sorry for your loss.

I know on this app, people love to tell others to end relationships, I won’t say that but what I will say is I’m happy for you, for the fact that you aren’t married to him. If I were you, I would take this as a sign of things to come and make my great escape. You deserve better. In a time of experiencing what can be described as one of the most painful times in a persons life, you shouldn’t have had to spend any time dealing with a sulky manchild. He should have put his feelings to the side and prioritised you and your kids.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/09/2025 07:52

Over a 1000 people think you're not unreasonable, I've never seen so many on a thread all in agreement.i'm sorry for the loss of your DM and that your partner is being a jealous, childish twat

ArtichokesBloom · 27/09/2025 07:52

So sorry for your loss. You must feel overwhelmed but please get rid of him. His behaviour is vile. The day should have been all about supporting you not pandering to him. This man will never be able to be trusted to give you support when needed. You'll never forget this or trust him fully ever again.

Barney16 · 27/09/2025 07:53

If my partner did that he would be a partner no more. He should have been supporting you not throwing some hissy fit because he's a big baby.

Lampzade · 27/09/2025 07:55

The relationship would definitely be over for me.
His behaviour is unforgivable

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 27/09/2025 07:56

what a putrid little man. They say don’t make decisions while you’re grieving but this is an exception. LTB and grieve in peace.

dizzydizzydizzy · 27/09/2025 07:57

I wholeheartedly agree with what you said to your DH.

Seeingadistance · 27/09/2025 07:58

GCAcademic · 26/09/2025 22:21

That would be the end of the relationship for me. At one of the most difficult times of your life he has chosen (because it is an active choice) not to support you but to tear strips off you.

Exactly this.

Shocking behaviour. LTB!

AgnesX · 27/09/2025 08:00

Is he always such a self absorbed prick? What a thing to do in what is unarguably one of the worst days of most people's life.

I hope he has the decency to apologise at the least.

Lampzade · 27/09/2025 08:02

FourCatMama · 27/09/2025 07:28

What about when your children have sports/academic activities, weddings, christenings of grandchildren???? Will he expect you to tell ex not to come? You are co-parenting either your ex. He needs to suck it up. Really you do and get rid of him!!!

I'm so sorry about your mama. I lost mine seven years ago and still miss her on a daily basis.

Exactly
At the wedding of your dcs . Will your dickhead of a partner insist that your exh doesn’t sit next to you at the high table?
The possibilities for your partner to behave like an asshole are endless

whatasillygoose · 27/09/2025 08:05

Your partner is a pathetic and selfish pig. He’s made your mother’s funeral all about him and is trying to make you feel guilty about it.

Personally, if he won’t STFU about it and apologise. I’m not sure I’d forgive him.

Bloozie · 27/09/2025 08:07

I am so sorry for your loss. Your partner is behaving abysmally and it’s the last thing you need right now.

We are going out for the day with my ex-husband and his new partner today. My husband likes both of them and understands that they are part of the family. He’s also man enough to know that he’s the centre of my world now and spending a few hours with the father of my child isn’t going to change that. Not all men have such fragile egos.