My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

Maybe you should try being in your ‘reading posts properly’ era. Absolutely no part of the OP made it sound like they were talking about their grandchildren

I’d be inclined to speak with them both about yesterday’s behaviour, tell them it wasn’t a good birthday because of their fighting and that we’re going out as a family today and that you expect them to behave else “insert consequence here”

Your partner should be able to plan something nice for your birthday. I wonder what prep you do with your dc for his birthday. Telling them off after the day is ruined is no good. He should’ve been supervising them and dead slating things. Tête would certainly have been a sign before the “explosion”. He should be capable of making your birthdays special in collaboration with your tweens tbh

If they did it in Mother’s Day and your bday then there’s def something going on there - they don’t like you getting attention? What are they like on your partner’s bday and other special occasions?

I reminds me of when we used to have Friday night dinner when the DCs were young (as we are Jewish - think of the programme!). Most weeks there was some sort of row/stroppiness as everyone’s expectations were high after a week of work/school/me cooling a 3-course meal etc.

Supervise them getting dressed? At 8 and 10?

She beans her birthdays don’t mean much to her.

I don’t understand why your DP didn’t pull his finger out a bit and plan something nice for you; it didn’t need to be expensive, just something focussed on you. Perhaps seeing you do everything (work, home support, organising) is contributing to these outbursts? What is your DP doing?

You're right, OP. These are not tiny children. The 10yo will be at secondary school in a year or so and expected largely to take responsibility for herself. You are not wrong for expecting them to be able to consider the feelings of others as well as themselves, nor to take some time for yourself after their behaviour ruined your evening.

My 8yo knows when he's being a pain in the proverbial because I tell him. I think it's important for kids to grow up self-aware. I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to tell me that's yet more emotional abuse 🙄.

I think you’ve set expectations way too low. You make it sound as if you don’t really care about your birthday so others are not going to either. You don’t have to go OTT but being 43 doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a nice birthday.

If a relaxed pub meal is what you wanted - great - but make it a thing not a wishy washy maybe plan. We’re having a nice relaxed pub meal on Friday because it’s mum’s birthday.

I actually think it’s important for kids to see their parents being celebrated and appreciated as individuals (birthdays, Mother’s Day) and makes it clear the kids aren’t in fact the centre of the universe. Give your kids the opportunity to step up and show that you deserve special day/s too.

happy belated birthday, hope you can do something you enjoy this weekend.

Happy Birthday for yesterday OP. Now that everyone has calmed down a bit are you able to have a chat with both of them and get to the root of what set things off? I agree there is always a bit of a crash when they go back to school and they don't come across as persistently having blow ups. I think it's important they know how it made you feel and that it will not be tolerated. Hope you do manage to have a nice time together this weekend💐

Do they have a "least favourite" grandparent or relative who could babysit next weekend so you and DH can go out without the little darlings? I think you are right to send them to their rooms and take away privileges. They are old enough to understand that behaviour has consequences.

This is why we are having such problems with parents versus schools. It’s never my child hit you, punched, screamed fucker and ran around the school trashing it, that’s awful behaviour. It’s, did YOU make a bad choice which made my child react this way.

We have such little faith in children’s resilience these days that the op, who has done something so simple and normal
is apparently to blame for upsetting their routine.

If you want to go to the event today I think you should go as a family, they have had punishment last night. Their father should also be talking to them this morning and making sure heartfelt apologies come your way and to each other. It sounds like it escalated out of all control. Their behaviour is completely unacceptable, I'm not sure sending children to their rooms is that effective. More pull yourselves together we are going out for mum's birthday now because you're not spoiling it with your behaviour and you won't be having any screen time this weekend and they will pay for the breakages from their pocket money. A pub dinner isn't much of a treat for a child so they've not really lost out, you have.

It also sounds like you're doing too much, breadwinner, all the organising and emotional labour, what's your partner doing? I don't believe a man needs to be a provider I earn more than dh , but he does need to pull his weight in all areas.

Just to clear up this narrative of upsetting their routine, we weren’t going for a meal, it was one drink at 5.30 which they were both told about beforehand. Both were keen. We’ve done it before.

No, I didn’t plan days in advance, I plan every bloody event in this house and don’t feel I should have to for my birthday. Yeah, maybe DP should have put more effort in and planned something nice beforehand but that’s what I’m dealing with. But the girls are old enough and intelligent enough to handle one drink in the pub without this being a deeply disturbing even. This isn’t the first time we’ve done it on a Friday and it’s usually very last minute without WW3 breaking out.

But you don’t have any consideration for yourself so monkey see monkey do. Don’t really celebrate no presents never ask for anything. So why would the children treat it as a special day. Don’t be a martyr.

Children at 8 and 10 have learnt their behaviors.
Sending them to their bedrooms isn't punishment, it's sending them to their safe space where they are surrounded by their toys and belongings.

I think this is a little harsh but I do agree. You’re being a martyr to your children and you don’t need to be @Fluffalumpper

I hear a woman squashing down her needs, not wanting to make a fuss and then ending up disappointed.

Why don’t you say you want your birthday to be more of a priority for everyone? When you say it doesn’t matter, they’ll take you at your word.

You could have had a takeaway still, you could have still gone to the pub. You deprived yourself.
You could have told them they don’t get to ruin your birthday so despite them acting up, you’re all still going out because that’s what you want to do.

Raise your presence and your expectations around what you want and deserve. It sounds like there’s a disconnect between what you say and what you actually want.

It absolutely sucks that this happened on your birthday, however I do think this is par for the course with kids of that age - it will happen from time to time especially as you've one moving into puberty with all the changes and hormones that brings.

I actually think the reaction to cancel everything and send both to their rooms with only a break for dinner and then expect them to go to bed for the night was a bit harsh and I think it's possibly escalated things as opposed to defusing it and trying to focus on helping them build empathy. To my mind your dh should have been stepping in there, taking it off you completely and giving them a reality check that they needed to set it aside for your benefit and then continued with your plans as they were and had a different consequence. By punishing them in this way you've essentially punished everyone and also given them control over events. It seems strong especially if this is not normal behaviour for them and they are usually good, well behaved kids as you say. Punishment isn't enough at this age, they do still need help to self regulate and empathise even though in a basic way they know its not good behaviour.

I think your dh needs to step up and get them to now plan how they are going to make it right for you and you do a redo of your birthday.

There's no reason why you both couldn't have ordered a takeaway and watched a movie or something nice like that when the kids were in bed rather than taking yourself off to bed before 9 and deciding they'd categorically ruined your birthday.

Happy birthday @Fluffalumpper we had a realisation at a point that our kids were overindulged and had to pull it back before they became entitled twats. They are older now and much nicer kids. They experienced a bit of a shock to the system when the family culture changed but it has been better for everyone that it was addressed.

@Fluffalumpper happy birthday for yesterday.

FWIW I think you and DP did all the right things yesterday but for whatever reason it didn't work. Sometimes it just doesn't.

Setting expectations in advance was particularly important for my DS. My DDs could cope with a bit of 'making a plan as we go' but DS absolutely couldn't and the result would be tears and sad tantrums.

It does sound like your DDs could do with a firm talking to today. The fights stop right now. We had firm rules about not sniping at each other. Any instance of sniping was jumped on. It stopped escalation in its tracks. We also had strict rules about not going into each other's rooms or using each other's stuff.

One of my late DMIL's sayings to her DCs when they had behaved particularly badly was 'I love you and always will but right now I really don't like you'. That is a hard lesson all children have to learn: other people have feelings, it's not all about them.

Why’s your partner so wet behind the ears?

You partner could have made a bit of effort!

I can’t see this would have been an enjoyable family birthday celebration no matter what tbh

Kids this age are still very self-centered- even when you see glimpses of the lovely, kind and empathetic people they can be, they will revert back to this behaviour when upset/stressed/tired- I don’t think it’s that unusual or a reflection on you as a parent. I think your partner needs to talk to them about the behaviour, in general but also in light of it being your birthday and how unacceptable this was. If they are sorry when they calm down, then I think that’s just part of life and I’d give them a do-over and do something nice as a family today. I would agree with PP that my children are shattered come Friday evenings- it’s definitely one of the harder times for them to regulate.

"One of my late DMIL's sayings to her DCs when they had behaved particularly badly was 'I love you and always will but right now I really don't like you'. That is a hard lesson all children have to learn: other people have feelings, it's not all about them."

I vividly remember being told this as a child and being completely devastated that my own mother thought I was so awful she didn't even like me. It stayed with me and it massively affected my confidence on a core level.

I think it's an absolutely disgusting thing to say to a child. Kids will mess up. That's part of learning and development. Your relationship with them needs to be a safe place for them even when they're getting it wrong and telling them that their parent doesn't like them says a lot about them as a person.