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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My children have ruined my birthday.

466 replies

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 20:53

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 27/09/2025 02:58

I have 7 & 10 year olds and to be honest they are pretty incapable of thinking ‘it’s mums birthday so I should stop this tantrum taking over’. I know it’s very frustrating, especially when you can’t just get a nice takeaway, but it really is just kids. Good your partner managed it for you.

I don’t think your birthday should be unimportant just because it’s 43, that’s my next birthday and I won’t be treating it as unimportant (I’m also don’t do ‘this is my birthday week’ before people jump to conclusions)

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 27/09/2025 03:00

I don’t get why they were sent to their rooms?! Their punishment was probably what they preferred over going out to a dinner so you only punished yourself.

If it was my kids, we’d still be doing what we were doing…an argument doesn’t mean we renege on commitments. It does mean a loss of their privileges though (game time/ screen time/ proportion of pocket money). Further arguments or squabbling over dinner results in further losses of privileges.

My kids had a similar fight this evening on our way out (end of the school week tiredness can do that), and the loss of just 10mins of weekend game time made them forget those grievances and behave as expected despite being tired.

TillyButtonGrundy · 27/09/2025 03:08

FiatLuxAdAstra · 26/09/2025 21:46

OP did the heavy lifting on ruining the day.
Instead of finding out why they argued and defusing it.
She shows them that the one with the power wins and invoked group punishment on them.
Apparently 2mins of arguing with a sibling gets you 48hrs of mummy dearest retaliation. Especially since mummy did awfully want that drink at the pub 🍷

Show quote history

People like you are fascinating, I wonder if you ever feel ashamed of yourself after posts like this or too far gone?

spoonbillstretford · 27/09/2025 03:11

They are probably knackered after a week at school. Much better to plan something at the weekend when you've all had some rest.

Franpie · 27/09/2025 03:13

I think they probably felt a bit rubbish for ruining your evening but didn’t know how to handle those feelings of guilt and therefore continued to act out.

The more you then punished them, the worse they became.

Continuing to punish them tomorrow by not going on your planned day out is just cutting off all your noses.

Tomorrow should be a fresh start. No mention of today. Clean slate, try again.

SiameseBlueEyes · 27/09/2025 05:11

Why are you so sure they're not spoiled? They certainly sound like it to me. I imagine the teenage years are going to be truly dreadful if you don't clamp down now. They should both lose something they value and no rubbish about starting fresh tomorrow. They lose their computer privileges, outings or whatever they value - they have to internalize the message that this is not the way to behave. The hours of wailing would have annoyed me more than the initial fight and I'd punish for that as well.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:27

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 21:10

@Naananananaa it was less of an escalation and more of a sudden explosion! It came out of nowhere and we reacted immediately and they were sent to their rooms but then the 2 hour pity party started.
I’m pretty strict so, no, they don’t get their own way and we don’t indulge them. They know we don’t tolerate bad behaviour so why they chose to do this today what has annoyed me so much.

I’m less moping and more exhausted and fed up.

We’d planned a day out to an event tomorrow but we both agree they shouldn’t be rewarded after this. My partner’s suggested I go somewhere by myself to get a break.

This is way over the top. Your children had a spat with each other, this happens. This is not a punishment-worthy event. I cannot believe you are dragging the over the top sulking out for two days. Get a grip.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:29

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 26/09/2025 21:12

This!

Your DDs are usually well behaved, bright and happy, God so many parents would give their right arm for that. You are so lucky.

Try to hold onto that. It's probably the excitement and pressure is setting them off today. Tomorrow is a new day.

Sound like this is the first major parenting test you've had and it's a good time to reflect on how you want to approach and react to tricky things in future and what you would like to model for your DDs.

You sound a bit burned out tbh like you feel like you give everything. Maybe start channeling more into self care.

Show quote history

It's hardly a major parenting test for your kids to have a spat with each other?!

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:31

And drop this whole, "you ruined my birthday" thing with the kids. If my mum said this when I was a kid, I'd be devastated, and would remember my mum's self-indulgent sulking forever.

CrispieCake · 27/09/2025 05:34

Lincolnlemons · 26/09/2025 23:44

It’s heading that way. It’s manipulative and designed to invoke feelings in young children that they can’t understand or deal with at that age. It’s a bloody birthday, get a takeaway and chill out.

Show quote history

Most children of 7 and 10 aren't compete wet blankets, you know. Mine would understand the point being made perfectly - that my birthday is worthy of celebrating - while finding it funny and just a tiny bit awful, which would appeal to his sense of humour.

I am not a harsh parent - I'm actually quite easygoing and indulgent - but I'm beginning to think we're short a few rolls of cotton wool in this house. Because we call each other out on poor behaviour and aren't afraid to have a joke.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:35

Catsbreakfast · 26/09/2025 21:21

Being upset by hurtful behaviour and having your appetite spoiled by it isn’t drama queen behaviour, it’s a normal reaction.

Show quote history

But the kids had a spat with each other. Not sure how that's hurtful behaviour towards the OP. This is sounding very narcissistic - everything that happens is about mememe. Kids will have tiffs!

ProfessionalPirate · 27/09/2025 05:45

Dramatic · 27/09/2025 00:51

Me and my sister beat the crap out of each other regularly, we could barely go a couple of days without some sort of physical fight.

Op why on earth did you cancel your meal out for this?! Just tell them to pack it in, get in the car and go. Siblings fight no matter what day it is, why make such a massive deal out of it and end up punishing yourself?

Show quote history

Just because you did (do?) it doesn’t make it normal or acceptable. I promise you it is possible to raise siblings that don’t go around ‘beating the crap out of each other’.

CrispieCake · 27/09/2025 05:48

WallTree · 27/09/2025 05:31

And drop this whole, "you ruined my birthday" thing with the kids. If my mum said this when I was a kid, I'd be devastated, and would remember my mum's self-indulgent sulking forever.

But they did ruin the day and they're old enough to be told it. If they don't want to be upset by the consequences of their actions, they shouldn't act out.

It sounds like they need a scare. One of them threw a glass jar. If that's the 10yo, she's over the age of criminal responsibility and so could have been criminally liable for her actions had she injured someone or damaged anything. If my boy had thrown a glass jar at his little sister or at me, we'd be having a discussion about criminal assault and the police. Because some actions are completely unacceptable and some lines can't be crossed. We don't do our kids any favours by failing to teach them this.

There's a reason that society tolerates tantrums from toddlers, but these two are getting to the age (and in the case of the older one, at the age) where actually they are expected to take some responsibility for their emotions and their actions.

ThatPeachFox · 27/09/2025 06:26
Tired Women GIF

🙄

ThatPeachFox · 27/09/2025 06:30
Mothers Day Comics GIF by BBB illustration

Bragging that my kids are well-behaved…
Because they’re with their grandparents.

BigBear2025 · 27/09/2025 06:35

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 20:53

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

'I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore'

What, exactly did you mean by that statement?

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:39

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 22:03

@FiatLuxAdAstra my partner dealt with it- that’s already been explained.

@ithinkilikethislittlelife nice.

But he didn't though, did he? He sent them to their rooms and ignored their increasingly desperate shouts. That is not how you calm a child down, restore balance, or resolve conflict. That is awful parenting.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:42

CrispieCake · 26/09/2025 22:12

Eating cake to celebrate your birthday is not emotionally abusive 😂.

It sounds like these kids need a sharp reminder that the earth revolves around the sun, not them, and that others have needs and wishes as well.

Show quote history

Nope, eating cake is not abusive. Stop being disingenuous. Making a show of having a one person cake, singing "happy birthday to me" and not sharing the cake is emotional abuse. It's absolutely unhinged behaviour.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:43

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 22:12

@BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind yes the eldest. Well behaved usually but when she does act up it’s excessive, dramatic and long - always has been.

ahem

CrispieCake · 27/09/2025 06:44

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:42

Nope, eating cake is not abusive. Stop being disingenuous. Making a show of having a one person cake, singing "happy birthday to me" and not sharing the cake is emotional abuse. It's absolutely unhinged behaviour.

Show quote history

Maybe we're an odd family but my kid would find it hilarious.

Icanttakethisanymore · 27/09/2025 06:46

Happy birthday for yesterday OP! It’s my birthday today (I’m 41) my little monkeys are 2&4 and the eldest has a birthday party today so we’re going to a soft play centre. They do have a massive slide I quite like riding though 😂

Get something nice for dinner tonight and find a decent film to watch if you can’t get a babysitter. I’m not a big birthday person either but sometimes it’s hard not to get a bit down when it’s a total washout.

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:48

Fluffalumpper · 26/09/2025 22:22

@lurchersforever i know it’s not their responsibility to make the day special and I’ve been very clear that I don’t expect a special day. I do expect an 8 and 10 year old to be able to get a jumper from the wardrobe without attacking each other, throwing tantrums, screaming and then refusing to stop when we intervene.
I also expect them to go to their rooms and be quiet once they’re told to stop.
If they can’t do that they don’t get the privilege of doing something special.
If it escalates they go to bed.

They were parented, there was a whole load of parenting going on and they didn’t like the consequences of it.

But you're planning a two-day tantrum - why are you expecting so much from them?

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:51

CatherineDoll · 26/09/2025 23:29

@FiatLuxAdAstra

that is not emotional abuse.

Show quote history

It absolutely is.

Original poster
Fluffalumpper · 27/09/2025 06:57

WallTree · 27/09/2025 06:48

But you're planning a two-day tantrum - why are you expecting so much from them?

Show quote history

Removing privileges for wholly unacceptable behaviour isn’t having a “tantrum”, it’s parenting by showing them that actions have consequences. And expecting them on any day to be able to get a jumper whilst behaving themselves is asking too much of them?

Expectations are extremely low for some of these MNers.

OP posts:
Octonaut4Life · 27/09/2025 07:02

Are you always this lackadaisical about what the plan is for big events and have you considered this may be part of the problem? Was it similar on mother's day i.e. that you didn't plan in advance but decided on the day? Some kids really struggle with uncertainty and changes in routine. Possible they might find it easier to behave if they know what the expectations were going to be on them and what was going to happen a bit further in advance.