My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think your reaction is part of the problem (although very reasonable, I would have really wanted to take myself to bed after all that!).
Under the circumstances I would have gone sodding nuclear and told the little darlings that it is my birthday and they better get their acts together sharpish or >whichever event they are currently looking forward to < is off the table, and it would be.
Even if your ideal birthday is a bar of chocolate and a glass of wine in peace they are old enough to help facilitate that for the person that does so much for them, I wouldn't let it slide until I was sure they had learned their lesson.

I think how they are this morning, will be the most important thing. If they are remorseful/apologetic , have a calm chat with them about what happened last night, what went wrong and why. If the event is something you’d actually like to do, go as a family. If you’d rather do something by yourself (and get a break) then fair enough.

Nope, I expect my similarly aged kids to get a jumper without having a sibling spat. But when they do, I don't drag out an emotionally manipulative tantrum for two days. HTH.

And for future reference, de-escalating a sibling spat is the way to go. Not winding things up further and further. HTH.

I think you need to stop making excuses and start putting yourself first. The fact that your partner isn’t the breadwinner shouldn’t stop him making and effort and planning and paying for things for you.

Your kids aren’t going to learn to respect you and prioritise you on your birthday when you don’t respect or prioritise yourself.

You are the mother. They are 8 & 10. You sit them on the sofa and you give them a good lecture about how would they like it if you behaved like this when they had their friends around for their birthday. You don't reason with them, you tell them how disappointed you are in their behaviour, list all the occasions you went out of your way to help them when they wanted something and you tell them that if it happens again, you will think twice about making their birthdays specials. You are in the process of bringing up a pair of 'brats' and that needs to be overridden now or else you will be in for a whole lot of trouble when they get older and will be treated like a door mat and they will wipe their feet all over you and become entitled teenagers.

Well first off your children are not responsible for your emotional well-being. That is highly damaging to make them shoulder the burden of your happiness. Secondly, children are children and not miny adults. You also behaved like a child and made a marhty of yourself and stormed off to bed with no dinner?
Why did you punish them and yourselves just because they had an argument? Sounds like the 10 yr is going through a development stage and so things maybe changing for her.
Especially if they don't do this often. Maybe help them out with their issue instead of throwing your whole birthday on them?
And this whole victimized approach of, we don't celebrate my birthday, I don't ask for anything, I don't plan anything.
Sounds like you've set the culture on how you want people to respond on your birthday, and have made it look to everyone around you, you don't want a big deal. So then don't feel so sorry for yourself when that's exactly what happens.

But your discipline isn’t working is it? Your methods led to your preteen children throwing a 2 hour tantrum- that’s not normal behaviour for their age.

What it suggests to me is that the punishment was too extreme and they perceived the situation as irredeemable/ hopeless. You didn’t allow for the opportunity to earn privileges back, so they figured they had nothing to lose/ become distressed.

Besides I don’t think cancelling commitments or events is ever appropriate punishment. It doesn’t teach children good life values - as adults we wouldn’t cancel on our friends for unrelated misbehaviour. I think it’s important to teach children to honour their commitments, and to be resilient. That means teaching them to go to that birthday party, dinner, event, club, training session even when they don’t feel like it. You’re actually teaching them that they can throw massive fit to get out of whatever they don’t feel like doing.

As for cancelling today’s event - how come a fight/ argument warrants a two day punishment? Surely that’s too extreme. What incentive have you given them to improve their behaviour? Screen time/ pocket money/rewards (clothes, treats etc), those are specific to them and any consequences imposed on them won’t impact others in the same way as cancelling an event. Plus such privileges can be taken away in increments and earned back in increments. If you impose a punishment that gives them no chance to earn back what’s lost/ improve their behaviour, you should expect extreme reactions.

The OP’s gift was the gift of martyrdom and being able to throw this birthday at her partner and children for many years to come if they don’t behave as she wishes on her birthday

Exactky ! Kids in bed quiet . I’d have ordered take away and poured a wine

Jesus…. hopefully you have naturally well behaved kids.

Parenting small people is not about tolerating or not tolerating behavior. They aren't adults yet for God's sake.its your job to teach them how to communicate better with each other. How to deal with big emotions. Maybe the 10 yr old is hitting pre teen hormones. But this whole " my only job has a parent is shut them in their room and punish them"'' is doing nothing but building resentment. And not parenting.
When this women's entire happiness is based on the dynamics between siblings and if they are behaving perfectly or not. Then yes thats far too big a burden on them. And the giant elephant in the room is the partner who needs to take some load off the op so she's not so burnt out. Shes in burn out and so won't be able to parent in a meaningful way

Happy birthday for yesterday 💐

parenting is hard, and there’s no right or wrong way todo it you just have to learn as you go along. I’m sorry your birthday was spoiled but you still can do something today the good thing about a birthday on a Friday is you get all weekend to celebrate 😀

if were you I would go to the shops (or send DH) pick up something nice for you and DH for dinner tonight and a nice bottle of wine perhaps some chocolate. Get something quick and easy to feed the girls. The girls eat early and are sent to their rooms, you and DH then have a nice meal and watch a film together. They need to learn that if they can’t be guaranteed to behave then they will be excluded I feel that’s a very valuable lesson in life.

Fully agree with this, and I think the husband wants OP out of the house today so the atmosphere is better. A spat between siblings should not be escalated into such a long punishment.

I think that by the time our children are 7 and 10, we're a bit beyond the "how to deal with big emotions" phase and more in "It doesn't matter how you're feeling, there are some lines you just cannot cross" territory.

No I have very naturally defiant kids- and had to adjust my methods for this. I also realised that traditional punishments resulted in me punishing myself without changing their behaviour.

The point of “punishment” is to change the unwanted behaviour- OPs methods didn’t do that. It’s a Friday night, the kids were tired and had arguments. As it happens, my similarly aged children had a fight with each other last night before we left the house for our evening plans. So they lost 10 minutes of their 1 hour game time privileges today (but know know they always have a chance to earn it back by going above and beyond), which sorted the arguments and made sure they behaved well while we were out to avoid further punishment.

As it happens, my 9 year old has brought me a cup of tea and croissant in bed this morning - because they’re trying to earn back the lost 10 minutes of game time for today 😂 I’m over punishing for punishments sake. I only impose consequences that actually improve their behaviour, while also teaching them values that are important to me. So no, we don’t cancel events. Yet my children don’t have 2 hour tantrums. To be fair, they lose privileges for slamming the door too hard/ stomping up the stairs so they wouldn’t dream of screaming and throwing things around the room.

Your children aren't 7 and 10 months old. Unless there's some massive drip feed about additional needs, they ought to be able to cope with going out for a bit on a Friday night! I think some people are confusing them with toddlers.

Happy Birthday! You should certainly celebrate. Did you DP not help the kids make you cards and give them a few pounds each to choose you a little gift to wrap?

You sound burned out and under-appreciated, as all parents do at times.

I hope you all have a lovely day today. I wouldn’t cancel the planned day out, as it’ll prolong the punishment. Better to allow them to start afresh and be positive and happy today.

I know you don’t want parenting advice, but IME kids that age do have squabbles and you need to chivvy them along with firmness and humour, rather than big tellings off, cancelling happy family time they may have looked forward to and prolonged negativity and punishments.

With kids, it’s a storm in a teacup and it’s best not to dwell in the negative but instead move back to love, fun and happiness. Then, if necessary chat it through when they’re calmer.

Honestly, that sounds very transactional to me. They’re nice so they can earn something? I want my kids to be nice because they’re nice people.

When I first started reading the op I thought you were going to say your kids were late teens and had forgot to buy you a present. 8 and 10 yo kids can be brats at the best of times, their brains are still v selfish and like all the attention on them, you think they are aware they have ruined your bday? No. Won’t have a clue. You should have just gone out as planned, sat them at the other side of the table, and ignored them, and got your Dp to buy you a big glass of wine and something lovely to eat. And then dealt with punishing your kids the day after. Get your dp to take you all out today instead and have a lovely belated birthday

@Lotsofsnacks both are very aware of what they did. The youngest is currently making an apology card without prompting from DP.

This is why children behave the way they do now. They got consequences because of how they behaved.

Do you think the op should have gone there there?

How is being sent to your room harsh? Jesus are you one of these gentle parenters?

It is a lesson to be learned. How do you expect children to turn into reasonable and not selfish adults, if they aren't taught that life isn't all about them and sometimes that means the attention will be on others. And that is a good thing to teach.

The op said that one of them threw a glass ffs. Hundred percent warranted a punishment. That escalation needed time out.

They have learned bad behaviour isn't rewarded. It's not like she's done anything abusive. This is actual parenting and I commend the op for not being some wishy washy there there parent.

Op deserves to have her day and her children have hopefully realised that their actions weren't on. They should be apologising to their mum with the help of the dad.

Out of curiosity, how do you treat your children when they misbehave? How would you have reacted if one had thrown a glass?

That kind of behaviour is unacceptable any day tbh.

Exactly! ⬆️ Ignore their wailing, get a takeaway, open a bottle & bollock them tomorrow. 🤷‍♀️

My god you sound like a wet wipe.