My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thanks 😄

Do you often deflect to ad hominem attacks?

If this had been my partner, I wouldn’t have made myself a slice of toast and settled in front of the TV.

Id have rooted out a nice bottle of wine, lit some candles, hunted around in the cupboards and cobbled up something for dinner…. Even if just pasta in a sauce (you presumably had that in OP?)

Don’t know if this is the case for your kids OP, but we’ve realised that ours (bit younger than yours) can’t cope with anything other than a v chilled night in on a Friday night. After a full week at school/nursery it’s too much to do anything else. Maybe go for a Saturday celebration in future and on the actual eve just get a takeaway for you and DH. Sorry your birthday was ruined.

on a separate note, you say you never ask for anything or make a big deal of your birthday. I’d change this. You’re sending a message that you’re not important and that DDs don’t need to think about you. I’d start training them that they need to make you a card, make a cake with dad’s help and buy you something. Trains them to think about others and makes it clear it’s a special day. They’ll also be more invested in it going well if they’ve put effort in to make it special.

Pot meet kettle. The vast majority of your posts are about what a shitty parent OP is (especially compared to you).

Do you often suffer from a lack of self-awareness?

The fact that your kids have now acted up on both your birthday AND Mother's Day suggests more than just a coincidence. Sounds like you've trained them to believe that your wishes and preferences don't matter.

I have a friend who sounds like you, OP. She has two kids, and ever since they were babies, she's poured ever drop of her spare money, time, and attention into them. She makes every holiday a magical experience for them. Weekends and term breaks are crammed with enriching kid-centered activities. When they watch TV together, it's always what the kids want to watch. When they go somewhere in the car together, they listen to whatever music the kids want to hear. My friend even ceded control of her birthday to her kids, allowing them to choose what THEY preferred for her own birthday dinner. It reached the point where my friend was eating McDonald's Happy Meals for her birthday, because that was what her kids wanted.

Now her kids are older, similar ages to yours, and my friend wonders why they treat her like their personal servant. Why they have zero care or empathy for her own preferences and desires. Why they don't see my friend as a person in her own right.

Don't be like my friend, OP.

Morning @op. Happy boxing-birthday (the day after your bday 😬)

I had a very feisty girl who could kick off at the drop of a hat and be very disruptive so I can relate to your situation. She had form for doing it on important occasions -likely she was overwhelmed. But. I would not have tolerated that on my bday and would not have cancelled plans. In cases
Like this I would have been very shouty (right down at their level for the shock value and face to face for impact) Sounds harsh but now that my kids are grown adults who are compassionate, loving polite and respectful I know it worked. It may not have been the most compassionate way to approach things (especially if being overwhelmed was the underlying cause) but it's a human response and sometimes we need to be raw humans in front of our kids. It's not ideal but I'm being honest about how I sometimes dealt /reacted to similar.

They need to be told in a very straightforward way that their behaviour is unacceptable, selfish and will not be tolerated. 'Shut up, stop throwing things, get dressed and get in the car. In silence. Right now'. 'How dare you try to spoil my birthday with such awful behaviour. It's rude and disrespectful and I will not tolerate it. You are better than that and I deserve more from you '.

'If there is one more peep or suggestion of an argument then x will happen ' x being a thing they will hate.

'This is my bday and I expect you to be nice to me and to let me enjoy the evening'.

Seriously they are not too young to be told this. They need to hear clearly what they are doing wrong and how they need to fix it. It's just such selfish behaviour. There may well be things behind it that need further thought and discussions the cold light of day (for example feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what is expected) - the fact that they did this at Mother's Day too is pretty sad. Have a calm conversation with them to explore your and their feelings -but be very clear on your needs and expectations. You need to help them find more positive ways to navigate their feelings in a less selfish way.

If they are allowed to do this to you regularly they are likely to grow up as very selfish entitled people and I'm sure you don't want that.

Anyway. Happy birthday. 🥳

Can’t believe some people think that going to pub for a drink with their parents and not kicking off is too high expectations for an 8 and 10 year old!! You’re not doing your children any favours by seeing such low standards for them.

Everyone gets a birthday; don't be so sour.

And it's nothing about martyrdom. It' s reality that mothers tend to spend more time tending to children than the other way round.

Silly question.

Start getting a sitter.

Exactly. When I was that age (and younger) a drink/meal out after school would have been a massive treat - I would never have dared behave the way OP's kids have behaved.

We're not talking about toddlers or reception aged children here - the oldest is a year off secondary, FGS!

I have met a 32 year old grandmother.

Totally agree. You need some couple time, OP, and time for yourself. Get more balance, invest your time and energy into not just your children. It will benefit both you and them.

Have you had a proper apology OP?
I think they are old enough to say more than just “sorry”.
I think you are entitled to a longer apology when they say that they are sorry for behaving so badly that they spoiled your birthday, that they are sorry for disrespecting your home by throwing things, that they are sorry for repeatedly not doing what they were asked and that they understand that ruined your day.
How will they feel if, just before leaving the house for their birthday treat, you and your DH decide to have a big fight and so upset that you can’t go?
And what commitment will they make about not behaving this way again? And what commitment will they make to not spoiling other people’s special occasions again? Do they understand how selfish this is? They’re children and they will sometimes fail to live up to their commitments but at 8 and 10 they are plenty old enough to promise to try to do better. And, unless that promise comes alongside an age-appropriate acknowledgement of what they did wrong, it’s just empty words.

At the risk of a bright spark telling me I'm diagnosing your kids, their behaviour sounds very much like an autistic meltdown to me (as an autistic person with two autistic/ADHD/PDA kids) in that they seem fine until a tiny little request such as "get your jumper" comes on top of a long week at school and leads to world war 3. The 2 hour meltdown afterwards was pretty typical of an ND child. My advice, ND or not, is don't punish during the meltdown. Co regulation followed by a calm conversation about what triggered them is far more effective than punishments.

IF it was a meltdown, then the best way to describe it is like an out of body experience. They literally don't know what they're doing in the moment - (throwing glass? Would your child throw glass if she was in her right mind? I doubt it) doubling down on punishments will make it worse. Natural consequences - ie you messed up your room, now you need to tidy it up - and having conversations with your child to develop their emotional maturity works far better in the long run.

I would suggest it's not normal to not eat because your junior school age children have been naughty.

Also, I don't know why the partner had to tell the girls off, without support from Mum.

Right. Weird martyr behaviour. Why?

It is pretty normal to lose your appetite when you're upset or stressed, though.

@DorothyStorm
@JJMama

exactly this! Why should OP force something down her neck when she has no appetite? It makes no difference one iota to her kids whether she had dinner or not.

OP didn’t day she lost her appetite, merely that she had no dinner and took herself off to bed.

She doesn't have to explain absolutely everything

If I had a nice evening planned and it was ruined by two badly behaved children smashing things and screaming, I don't think I'd fancy eating much either.

Who said about explaining everything?! I’ve assumed she is being a martyr, you’ve assumed she wasn’t hungry due to upset and went to bed. We don’t actually know!

I just find it interesting that you've assumed the worst, I guess.