My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m sorry, this is really rubbish. I appreciate that we you want to spoil them and putting them first at all times, but sometimes it’s a good lesson to learn that they do not come first at all costs at all times, because life doesn’t work like that. It’s good you stuck to your guns when they behaved like this. Any chance you can find a sitter for a nice and have a night out just you and your DH?

Jeeze arrange a babysitter for another night and you and dp go out as for the one who was wailing about it being the worst day ever a quick reminder that it was YOUR birthday they ruined would be a fine conversation to calmly have tomorrow

I’m sorry you had a bad birthday OP.

I think it’s fair enough you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself, and maybe that’s all it is but there is a hint of it all being very loaded and emotionally charged as much as you’re claiming your birthday doesn’t matter, there’s nothing in to eat and nothing planned but then also you did plan to go to the pub and were so disappointed by it not happening that you didn’t eat at all and took yourself to bed. With a side of ‘after all I do for you all …’. Again, I can totally see feeling like that and I’d probably be a bit that way inclined myself, but the rational side of me knows it would be far better to a) separate them and stand no nonsense getting ready b) press on going to the pub anyway - less telling off and more just getting on with it and not allowing children the power of derailing an entire evening and if that really didn’t work then c) salvaging something of the evening to show them they don’t actually have the capacity to wreck an adult (their mum’s!) special day and change the emotional mood of the entire house. Because that’s actually too much power for young kids and pretty scary for them to think that - nobody is actually in control or keeping the show on the road - they’re wailing, dad is shouting and mum has taken herself off to bed without any dinner on her birthday.

It might be time for a reset, I’m not for a second suggesting it’s easy and I can understand why today felt worse. Hopefully you can do something nice over the weekend - if you’ve any babysitting options maybe something childfree just you and DH?

I’d imagine the OP is a person who (like me) gets put off food when you’re really upset or stressed. I would also just go straight to bed and try forget about the upsetting event. Nothing’s gained sitting, picking at a meal that’s been ruined by bad atmosphere in the household.

I’m sorry. Based on my children the return to school and well and truly kicked in and their behaviour reflects that.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of the weekend and have a happy belated birthday.

I think this is all a bit dramatic for a sibling fight which are pretty normal at this age. They also aren’t old enough to genuinely put others before themselves.

I would have separated them, 10 mins to cool off, reminded them of expectations and carried on with birthday plans.

I have almost 8yr old twins and I’d never do anything if I cancelled plans every time they had a fight.

Being upset by hurtful behaviour and having your appetite spoiled by it isn’t drama queen behaviour, it’s a normal reaction.

Kids can ruin meals. Mine sighed all the way through an expensive afternoon tea because she could hear people breathing. So I'm not taking her to the next one!

But even at this time you can treat yourself to a nice takeaway. Get something they wouldn't like!

I agree with this. Tomorrow is an opportunity to have a nice day all together. I hope they've learned their lesson. Happy birthday!

Why didn’t you and your partner get a takeaway and ignore them?

Absolutely this. What a ridiculous comment.

I don’t bother about my own birthday, never have.

however, I do care about others. Perhaps your children would benefit from some helping others work. Mine are adored and ran after like you describe. But since they were born have done
covid community food car drop offs.
visits to care homes
random acts of kindness which they suggest as age appropriate
as a few examples. What do they do for others?

I say this as someone who does not do birthdays, yet they blew me away with a homemade card and a cuddle.

make sure you are teaching kindness and compassion for others alongside your own experiences. And mine ain’t perfect, they also knock nine bells out each other and scream the house down, but they don’t do that when thinking about helping others.

Why do you expect your children to respect and appreciate you when you don't respect and appreciate yourself?

Why don't you ever ask for anything or have anything planned for your birthday? Did your dp take them shopping to buy you something from them?

You deserve a nice day for your birthday, you are allowed to celebrate it and allow others to celebrate it.

A takeaway is an hour round drive and we just can’t be bothered after all this. My partner (their dad for the person who asked) is having toast in front of a crap film. I’ve had a long week and I’m exhausted.

We’re new to the area so don’t have a trusted babysitter yet so it’s with the kids, on my own or not at all unfortunately.

We did separate them to cool off but then the screaming and wailing started (with one little bugger throwing things in her room!) which is when plans were cancelled.

I don’t have kids so maybe I’m wrong about this, but when I read posts like this, which I quite often do on MN, I sort of think that you shouldn’t be afraid to visibly lose your temper a bit on rare occasions and let them know that it’s your birthday and they’re ruining it. I’m sure it’s a hard balance to find, but imo being a good mother doesn’t mean making a total martyr of yourself. You’re allowed to want things. When I was a kid we once all forgot my mum’s birthday and had no presents for her. She’s a fabulous mum and was all about us most of the time, but on this occasion she really lost it and let us know how upset and angry she was. I was shocked but it didn’t do me any harm, it taught me that she was a human being with wants like me and I had some responsibilities to her as well as vice versa. I can’t remember how old I was but I was old enough to learn that lesson. I never forgot her birthday again, I always planned in advance. Of course you don’t want them to be afraid of you, but they shouldn’t just be riding over you either. Honestly if they are girls I think there is some value in them learning young that mums are people and other people don’t just get to take them completely for granted. They’ll be grateful for that lesson later in life!

I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc.

Maybe they need it modelled to them that you are important too and not some sort of wind-up enrichment monkey. Everyone else gets presents and parties but we don’t bother with mum. It’s not a good lesson for them apart from anything else. It’s like that Christmas advert from a few years ago when the mum does all the shopping and cooking and her shitty family don’t even let her have a proper chair at the table.

@JNicholson believe me they both knew exactly how annoyed and upset I was. I agree they should know when they’ve upset someone and what the consequences are. They’re dad also took them in a room and gave them a big telling off, set out the punishment and sent them to bed.

I wouldn't take it personally OP, I'm sure your DDs ddn't plan to get the rage with each other specifically because it's your birthday, you're just a by-product to their 'feelings'.

Your DDs are incorrect as their "worst day ever" hasn't happened yet - that day comes when their DM puts herself and her needs first; hopefully this weekend should either assume they're getting taken anywhere. Because indeed their DM prefers to do anything other than that, even lying on the sofa flicking through the channels if needs be.

As after all, they preferred to do their 'screaming and fighting' instead of celebrating your birthday, so fair's fair.

This.

Dragging out some kind of ad hoc punishment (which actually punishes you) indefinitely will achieve precisely nothing.

Talk to them over breakfast then carry on with your original plan - you're not rewarding them, you're just not punishing them and yourself again and again without a clear plan.

It's highly improbable that they "chose" to fight on your birthday btw - don't torture yourself by attributing malice and forethought to pure thoughtlessness and lack of impulse control (and probably over tiredness given the time of year and ages).

Is your partner not their dad? Something feels odd about the way things are phrased, but if he's not been part of the family ling this is highly likely to be adding to the tension, especially as he seems to be taking the lead on the whole punishment track you're going down...

Totally agree with all of this

@RavenPie a big part of it is because I am the breadwinner and don’t want to out financial pressure on my partner. Not to invite attacks on him, he does a lot and does try for my birthday, but I’m the default organiser as well and tend to not plan anything because it would be another thing for me to plan and pay for.

By your own admission, you do seem to have given them the impression that they come first and you only exist to serve them. So maybe it's not entirely surprising that they wouldn't see your birthday as being more important than their fight.

You get quite easily confused it would seem.

Happy birthday OP 🎁 🎂 🎈

@TheSkyLooksBeautifulTonight he is their Dad and took the lead in dealing with it tonight because it’s my birthday.

Ordinarily I’d be the one dealing with and putting a stop to it.

I've learnt over the years it does dc no harm to hear you shout /see you cry /be hurt /make mistakes and basically see you as a human being not Superwoman.. Tomorrow they can make you cards and do something nice for you.