My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

Can you admit they are over indulged and behaved bratty about an event that wasn't Them Based?

@Whereismyfleeceblanket i agree, I think it’s a mix of it not being about them and them just not having any consideration for me.

I think it’s fair for you to feel a bit sorry for yourself & disappointed with their behaviour.

If they are usually good kids, then make a new plan tomorrow, maybe do something in the day not the evening, get your DP to address the behaviour, they need to apologise.

The fact that they did it also on Mother’s Day may mean that they somehow pick up on pressures / expectations on ‘special’ days & act out a bit?

Happy Birthday 🎂

I’m slightly confused, are your children 8 and 10 or are they your grandchildren?

That behaviour is completely unacceptable, they are old enough to know better

Why have you had no dinner and gone to bed? The kids are out of order (and by sounds of it spoilt) but you don’t need to make everything worse for yourself by not eating anything.

Kids of that age are going to argue, it's just a fact sadly.
You don't need to mope though, you and/or your partner could have separated them and carried on with the planned evening.
Or you could rearrange to a later date (ideally with a babysitter) for tonight just order yourself and your partner a takeaway and make the most of it, moping in bed with no dinner isn't going to make you feel any better.

There's a tiktok going around, about how when children are 4 weeks into the September term, they start playing up and pushing back after going to back to school.
I can't remember exactly, but its something to do with the initial adrenaline of returning back after the summer holidays wears off and they're burnt.... point is your birthday lands in the middle of this, they'll probably be fine next week. How about having a belated birthday celebration next week? Get baby sitter?

Can you point out the part in the OP which makes you think these are her grandchildren?

The OP is 43. She says her children are 8 and 10. There is absolutely nothing confusing about this.

Huh? How would a 43yo have 8 and 10 yo grandchildren?

Why would they be her grandchildren?

Something has gone wrong here, how did you let is escalate so much? Where was your partner in all this? You’re the adult and need to assert yourself as such. Are they generally used to getting their own way?

Get yourself a babysitter this weekend or next weekend and go out and enjoy yourself. Kids can be selfish little gits sometimes

My 9 year old daughter is a nightmare at the moment and refuses to cooperate if it isnt what SHE wants.

She is not spoilt but certainly plays the role of a spoilt brat!

I just make sure she misses out on something she wants if she behaves badly and spoils something else.

It is so tiresome though.

Moping around and refusing to eat rather than sending them to bed with a normal dinner and then ordering a take away in for you and your partner and showing them they won't ruin your day is drama queen behavior. Do you often act like this? Because it might be where they get it from

@Naananananaa it was less of an escalation and more of a sudden explosion! It came out of nowhere and we reacted immediately and they were sent to their rooms but then the 2 hour pity party started.
I’m pretty strict so, no, they don’t get their own way and we don’t indulge them. They know we don’t tolerate bad behaviour so why they chose to do this today what has annoyed me so much.

I’m less moping and more exhausted and fed up.

We’d planned a day out to an event tomorrow but we both agree they shouldn’t be rewarded after this. My partner’s suggested I go somewhere by myself to get a break.

They are too young to reliably put others before themselves without prompting. I'd expect my dp to remind them. I also wouldn't expect them to go on a night out after being at school all week. They are bound to be tired.

Is your partner not their dad?

sounds like they get wound up, maybe with pressure of knowing how important it is. Youd have ended it quicker giving them a snack and leaving the house.

When you say they are usually well behaved, is that because they are usually indulged and get pretty much their own way? Not expecting an answer, just thinking out loud really.
I think you should book an evening out for just you and DP, get a babysitter for the kids. Tell them, calmly but with no room for argument, that they spoiled your actual birthday so they are not coming on your substitute celebration. And stick to it. They are old enough to know that their behaviour was unacceptable.

This!

Your DDs are usually well behaved, bright and happy, God so many parents would give their right arm for that. You are so lucky.

Try to hold onto that. It's probably the excitement and pressure is setting them off today. Tomorrow is a new day.

Sound like this is the first major parenting test you've had and it's a good time to reflect on how you want to approach and react to tricky things in future and what you would like to model for your DDs.

You sound a bit burned out tbh like you feel like you give everything. Maybe start channeling more into self care.

Sorry your day got messed up, happy birthday, can you still get a takeaway?
Maybe the kids got overexcited. Hopefully they will be calmer tomorrow and apologies.

I thought similar. You punished yourself.

OP, don’t continue it into tomorrow. They had their consequence. Talk to them tomorrow, they say sorry, go to the event.

it’s poor behaviour but it’s not the end of the world.

I would be annoyed too, OP, and I totally get why you can’t be arsed to do anything now and have taken yourself off to bed, sounds like all your energy has been zapped! Maybe just a combination of over-excitement, still settling into the school routine, a bickering age etc all just added up and sent them round the twist, not that it’s much consolation for you at all.

Could you maybe have a chat with them tomorrow when they’re (hopefully) calmer and just explain in an age appropriate way how to be considerate and mindful towards other people? Maybe get them to talk through how they would like you to behave on their birthdays so they can see the difference and how it has made you feel? I think they’re old to understand the concept of this and take some accountability. In addition please organise something nice either for tomorrow or next weekend to celebrate and do something fun.

Oh, and happy birthday 🎂 I’m sorry it hasn’t been a good one.

Ah. Cross posted. Do you WANT to go out by yourself? Doesn't sound like much of a birthday treat.

Sorry you've had a bad night OP! Happy Birthday, you definitely should still celebrate with your partner tonight, grab a bottle of wine and takeaway! Id message around your friends and see if anyone is free tomorrow to do something, make tomorrow about you and enjoy yourself! Kids can be brats sometimes and Fridays are usually worse after being in school all week. Hope the rest of your night is better!