My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

Where was your partner and why weren’t they disciplining the kids and making sure it didn’t even get to this point? They should have stepped in whisked the kids off, bollocked them and sorted it the F out

@FiatLuxAdAstra

that is not emotional abuse.

You have extremely low standards if you think the behaviour the OP has described is just ‘kids being kids’ and something you would shrug off.

This. Plus I don’t understand adults who fixate on their birthdays. If they behaved similarly on Mother’s Day sounds like they’re feeling the pressure and acting out

It’s heading that way. It’s manipulative and designed to invoke feelings in young children that they can’t understand or deal with at that age. It’s a bloody birthday, get a takeaway and chill out.

And I'd expect my similar age child to make some small effort on my birthday, given everything I do to make his special.

This is absolutely wild. As a parent you’re supposed to make their birthdays special. They are a CHILD and don’t owe you something in return for being treated like any child should be.

I disagree with the posters who make excuses for this outrageous behaviour and say it's normal. It's really not at that age. Throwing things? Screaming? Two year old tantrum behaviour. A two year old can't help it but they shouldn't be acting like this. All that carry on as well after they were told off and sent to bed. Clearly not much of a telling off! He should have read them the riot act.

I too suspect they are good as gold most of the time because most of the time it's all about them. I don't think it's a coincidence that they play up when it's a special time for a parent. No advice as you don't want it but if it carries on they will be hellish teens.

I feel really old when I read some of the gentle parenting approaches to this stuff.

If they were mine, they would be sat down tomorrow and told in no uncertain terms that they had spoiled my special day and how upset and unimportant that made you feel. Ask them how they would feel if they had their own birthday party planned and you and your partner had a massive disruptive row when it was about to start, and the party was cancelled.

So much mollycoddling. Kids should absolutely feel thr force of others upset and disappointment sometimes. It’s a powerful learning tool. I don’t give a shiny shit if that makes me a Luddite.

It really isn’t wild. My kids have known from a young age that when it’s someone’s birthday, you get your ass out of bed and make them breakfast and go and choose a card yourself at the very least. Again, so much babying. Kids need a push to grow into considerate adults and absolutely should learn that love is a doing word.

I do agree it shouldn’t be transactional - ie, I do it for them so they should do it for me, but this idea that we are put on earth to serve our children and make their lives golden, with no expectations on them, really IS wild. To me at least.

I have seen the results of the gentle/no parenting route and it is really not great.
Without exception, dropping out of college, extended gap years, lots of farting around finding themselves while expecting to be funded.
Gentle parenting is low effort constantly satisfying them.
Absolute disaster in my view.
Not compatible with the real world where consideration of others is a necessary life skill.

I totally agree that children need to be taught to think about others but that sentence I quoted screams transactional does it not? Yes absolutely discipline them for behaving poorly but the whole “I’m going to act like martyr and go to bed without any dinner” is incredibly manipulative.

I think your H dropped the ball here. Why didn't he rope the kids into planning something nice for you? If they even made birthday cards, it would have been a better gesture than what you received, which was precisely nothing. And why couldn't he order a food delivery for you once the children were in bed?

Next year, tell your H you expect him and the children to plan something nice for your birthday. Teach the three of them to treat you with the respect and affection you deserve.

And cut back on the overweening devotion.

If your H is a sahd, he needs to start the kids doing chores and learning to cook and do laundry.

Agree! And well said.

They owe you respect and basic human consideration. It's the job of the parent to make them value and practice those attributes.

@Lincolnlemons or maybe the OP was just upset and pissed off and didn’t feel like eating so went to bed. I’ve had those moments of sheer fed up-ness as a parent where I’ve sent them to bed and then gone into my bedroom with a bag of crisps and thought, sod you all for the night, I’m done here!

If the kids have been sent to bed they will presumably have been unaware that their mum has also gone to bed (and with no dinner).

I know what you mean about the transactional turn of phrase but I think it’s natural to think like that internally. I doubt very much the OP voiced it in such a transactional way because she is grown up. Could be wrong of course!

Bullshit my kids didn’t behave like this at that age

Every time a mother on here talks about her kids, it reminds me of my mum, who spent her entire life - or our entire lives - doing, buying, cooking, baking, mending, working for us kids.
I don’t remember fighting all that much, but I’m the youngest and the older kids didn’t want anything to do with me.
Mum was a teacher - and put all of us kids through university.
When I was 17, I was selected to represent an agricultural group - I shudder to think about how much money Mum spent on clothes for me for that, all happily. And she used up all her sick leave so she could go to appearances with me. She was so proud of me.
I thanked my mum probably a thousand times, but she’s gone now. I miss her.
And one day your kids will grow up and tell you they’re sorry for being little shits all those days and they’re gonna thank you a thousand times for being a good mum.

The shitty thing is, it won’t be tonight.
Happy birthday and I’m sending love from faraway California ❤️

Me and my sister beat the crap out of each other regularly, we could barely go a couple of days without some sort of physical fight.

Op why on earth did you cancel your meal out for this?! Just tell them to pack it in, get in the car and go. Siblings fight no matter what day it is, why make such a massive deal out of it and end up punishing yourself?

Sorry you had a rubbish birthday OP 😞 I hope tomorrow is better. If I was your partner, I’d be starting the day tomorrow by laying down the law with your daughters and putting the onus on them to figure out how they’re going to make sure you have the best day ever tomorrow. As they ruined it by fighting, they can pull together and work as a team to make a card/present, perhaps prepare a nice breakfast with some support from him, maybe plan something for you all to do together (even if it’s planning a nice walk, getting your favourite snacks in and playing board games/watching your favourite film etc. Doesn’t have to cost much but they need to practise thinking about what you want and need). And making a pact to behave civilly to each other. They can’t undo what’s happened this evening, but it’s an opportunity for them to learn a valuable lesson about thinking of other people’s feelings and being a team as sisters to achieve something nice for you instead of fighting.

If this is a running theme on days that are important to you, and it sounds like it might be given they were bad on Mother’s Day too, he should also be preempting this next time an important day comes around by reminding them about behaviour expectations ahead of time.

What do you mean by gentle parenting?

It’s not impossible. My friend was 33 when her first granddaughter was born.

she was 16 when she had her dd and then the dd gave birth aged 17

not that this applies to op 😂

Some of these suggestions OP punish them by things which last a week or so are ridiculous
If you go so hard on punishments for a bit of sibling arguing (which could have been deescalate before the throwing things and expressing themselves badly phases) what do you do when they do something actually bad???

Yes it is. I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for you if this happened to you, or sorry for any children you have if you think that's normal behaviour.

I think you sound a little bit childish to say an 8 and 10 year old 'spoiled' your birthday. I wouldn't really expect kids of that age to care much about an adults birthday. I doubt they intended to spoil your day, the idea of going to a pub was probably not very appealing to them.

Are they autistic? I was undiagnosed as a child and occasions different from the norm often upset me.