Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

DH snores horrendously and it’s worse when he’s on his back. If he’s on his back I wake him up / nudge him to roll over. It’s the only way we can still share a bed.

I use earplugs and a white noise machine too.

I enthusiastically recommend beeswax earplugs for both of you. They’re all natural so they aren’t irritating to the ears, they block everything out, and they’ve saved our marriage from the curse of separate rooms.

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/132812135567

And no I don’t own shares in the company. They’ve just been a game changer in my marriage.

Separate rooms are not a curse. Haven't you read all the posts by people who are happily married and in separate rooms?

Is it that he thinks his job is soo much more important than your job @fastingforweightloss ? Is he the main earner, or used to be? Men can easily get a bit of main character syndrome where they feel theyre the most important

Separate beds don’t have to mean the end. I’ve seen a few posters on various sites says it Rekindled their relationship and made it much better

Chillax. My post was just information on earplugs that work well, not a judgement on your philosophies around marriage. You or the OP can sleep where you like!

Excess alcohol and overeating can certainly result in erectile dysfunction.

https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/alcohol-and-erectile-dysfunction

@fastingforweightloss who does the shopping. Buys the wine, crisps etc.?

I agree especially about the retirement plans not working out.

There is no way that her H is going to be healthy enough to enjoy his retirement, if he manages to get that far.

The worst case scenario is that the OP becomes his Carer and has to do everything and will then probably feel that she can’t leave him, even though he’s behaved appalling.

Be careful about preserving the symbolism more than the actual thing it represents. You don't want your marriage to fall apart while you're busy preserving the performative act that you think represents it.

I think this is a silly thing to say. Separate beds is great for sleep - and necessary imo if you have a newborn.

We have a newborn and a toddler and we have separate beds (DH deals with any toddler wakeups and I do the baby). We still have a healthy sex life and are happy - it's just a practical way to maximise sleep.

I know you've "always said it's the beginning of the end" but tbh I think you both just need separate rooms to maximise your sleep. It doesn't signify anything other than you're both snorers!

Also tell the neighbours there is a new number should they need to text - and give them his.

"the curse of separate rooms"?! 😂😂😂

And certainly buggers up your sleep pattern - it's now well-documented the effects alcohol has on the brain.

Separate beds - separate rooms - separate houses. It is the way.

Alcohol might make you pass out but it's not quality sleep. A small nightcap to help you relax, maybe, but an entire bottle before bed is something else entirely.

Absolutely. Worst case scenario the same thing happens to OP's DH as happened to an extended member of my family who led a similar lifestyle (ate rubbish and drank to excess) - he had a massive heart attack watching the TV with his wife one evening and due to his weight she couldn't even get him off the sofa to try to do CPR as instructed by the 999 call handler. He died. He was 55. 😞

You need separate bedrooms, and he sounds like he has a drink problem.

We do have a spare bedroom, I think I will tell him to sleep in there. Beginning of the end imo. We have both always said that is how we view separate bedrooms

We've slept in separate bedrooms since the beginning of the pandemic as both our sleep patterns got messed up. Best thing we ever did. Certainly not the beginning of the end. I reckon we're both better able to deal with the stuff of life having the opportunity for a decent night's sleep.

Out of interest, why do you assume that he needs to be the one to move bedrooms?

I know you're short on sleep but so far you seem to be behaving like everything should change but you.

It maybe that there are no changes you could make but have either of you investigated any anti snoring devices etc, or thought about weight as a contributory factor?

How bloody awful for his DW. That is so tragic and avoidable.

You just haven't read all of OP's post have you?

At 09:54 she posted "I have just moved the clothes horse out of the room that has a day bed. The day bed in there is SO comfy. I've put fresh pillows on, moved my pyjamas, nightie, pillow spray, lip balm etc onto the bedside table in there. Moved my toothbrush out of the en suite and into the main bathroom. I will be in there tonight. It's actually comfier than our new mattress, which is insane given that it was really cheap by comparison. The only thing is, I can't pull the blinds down in there - long story, but they've been known to come off the wall (DH crap at DIY). I figure it doesn't matter as it'll be dark when I go to bed, and dark when I get up. Would have been a problem in the summer when it's light."

Sigh. 🙄

Dh and I have had separate rooms for 20 years! Bliss!

You either both need to work on sorting out your snoring/heavy breathing or utilise the spare room. Quality sleep is so important for both your healths, and you should care about each others health.

Don’t record him, just because he is louder than you doesn’t mean your heavy breathing is not as annoying to him, it is not a decibel competition.

The main problem here seems to be that you and your husband really dislike each other.