Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

I find the separate bed reluctance and idea it's so black and white really weird, I would never have thought you had a spare room from the OP.

You can start in the same room, but the first response to not being able to sleep because of the other person is surely to go to the other bed.

Get him to agree:

• you can't sleep because of his snoring, you'll go to the other bed
• he can't sleep for you snoring, he moves
• you can't get comfy because you're trying to not disturb him, you move
• you are asleep and he's coming to bed much later drunk, he goes to the other bed

Basically whoever is asleep gets to stay undisturbed and the awake one gets to go sleep in peace.

I can't see how downing two bottles of wine and drunkenly waking you partner up is more romantic than going to sleep elsewhere, that's a messed up attitude making everyone miserable.

As he’s the one who wakes you up, tell him to go to the spare room.

As he’s the one who wakes you up, tell him to go to the spare room.

When we discussed it and I moved onto a spare room we got a new really comfortable double bed for me. I quite like having my own room and have decorated it to my style. Fix your blind.

On a separate note, his level of violence and aggression is something for you to reflect on more generally, but it's probably best to get a few nights sleep under your belt first.

OP sleeping in separate bedrooms is not 'the beginning of the end'!

That's old-fashioned, melodramatic nonsense.

Most people HAD to make the best of it and stay in the same bed because often there were lots of them living in a tiny space, sometimes even having to share the room with children, so there was nowhere else to go. Times have moved on.

My H and I do sleep in the same bed but are very different sleepers. I sleep very well and he does not. If he's having problems and is restless, or the cat is pestering him 😂 he goes into the other other room. He may stay there the whole night or come back at some point in the morning. It's an entirely normal thing that we do and we don't even think twice about it.

You both snore. You're both suffering. Neither seems dedicated to dealing with it for each other's sake.

Separate bedrooms is the answer. Time to lose the fixed ideas about that.

Your own spaces, decorate as you like, have the mattresses, bedclothes and temperatures that suit you individually, all your stuff that the other one doesn't enjoy, and a decent night's sleep for you both.

You'll be calmer, happier and like each other better.

Then put effort into date night and visiting each other!

(If you were Lord and Lady Whatever, separate bedrooms and little visits would have been absolutely normal.)

Get a nice sofabed for guests.

Sorted.

me and my husband do this we only sleep together on holiday, past 17 years we have had separate bedrooms, due to my shifts, his snoring etc, we are as happy as larry!

You’re not a loser for prioritising your sleep!
You need to get that mindset out of your head.

Well done on your weight loss and healthier lifestyle.
You have changed your eating and drinking habits and now you’re changing your sleeping habits - well done on you on getting healthy.

Ask any doctor or person trainer etc and they will tell you that unless you sort your sleep out you will never be healthy and it’s almost impossible to lose weight if you don’t sleep properly.

Definitely agree on the bedroom change OP; get yourself a good bed in there.

If you both sleep better, then probably you will get on better too.

Who does the food shopping? My DH had a tendency to overeat on food like this and therefore has trouble either his weight so I just don’t buy it.

Yeah was going to say separate rooms and if you want to share sometimes then you can once a week or something.

Pain in you upper arms likely has nothing to do with lying on them, but with using the wrong pillow for side-sleeping. Need a thicker pillow that makes up the difference between shoulder and head (you need to try out to find the best fit). They're also not very suitable for back sleeping so that solves that as well.

I was always: give me no pillow preferably to a too high pillow. Until about a year and a half ago. New pillow, ruddy expensive memory foam one, and the pain went within a week.

I personally think you both going to bed after 1-2 bottles of wine, snoring then swearing at each other in the night makes you more of a loser than sleeping in a single bed!

Think of it this way - if your marriage bed was a tiny single one, where you were both struggling to sleep from being cramped in with no room to spare, would you consider it a portent of doom for your marriage to go and get yourselves a larger bed?

Well it's the same principle, only your problem is not lack of physical space but lack of auditory space. You're being kept awake by the other person's noise which making you stressed and angry. It would be silly not to utilise another room if you have one.

He needs to cut down his drinking without a doubt . . .He is drinking far too much.

Thanks everyone. I have read every post. Defo sleeping on the day bed tonight. I've never slept a whole night on it (only a rare nap), so it'll be interesting!

That was such a positive post UNTIL I got to the final paragraph! You really need to change your attitude to separate rooms. You've read umpteen posts by people who are in happy marriages and sleep in separate rooms. I'm one of them.
Change your negative mindset and speak to your husband about how much happier you will both be when you are each getting a good night's sleep. In fact go back and read all the previous posts to reinforce the idea that sleeping separately is good not bad.
I moved into a daughter's old bedroom many years ago. It's been redecorated and is absolutely lovely. Our marriage is going strong*.

*Edited to add: We are not losers! That attitude is so wrong.

Agree!! I won’t use earplugs at the mo as we have young children. That is a future plan for us.

TBH it all sounds grim. Why even bother staying together, especially if your child is a grown up and has left home.

You need to sleep separately. The fact that you both snore and have done nothing about it is telling.

Really well done for changing your eating habits and losing that weight! Keep it up for your health and wellbeing - I'm doing it now (62) and wish I'd started ages ago.

And now ... Stop moaning and feeling sorry for yourself. MAKE your life instead of passively pity partying about it.

You have not one but two spare bedrooms. Bloody luxury for so many.

This week: Pick the best for yourself and empty the crap out into the other one. Decluttering can be a later project. This is the emergency.

Go and buy a great bed. Sell the other one if funds are needed.

Get decorating. Get a handyman in to do the difficult bits and the blind and stop blaming your husband for not being a DIYer. We're good at decorating and gardening, but shit at plumbing and electrics - so we get someone in who isn't. 🤷‍♀️

Once you're feeling more in charge and focussed, look at your marriage. You hate so much about it. Is there anything good? The prospect of another thirty years of it - how does that honestly sound?

But his drinking and eating habits are very concerning. In a person our age these habits are an open door to ill health - so it may be a lot less than thirty years for him. You're making great decisions for yourself.

Right now, it's all despair, resentment and rage coming from your posts, which isn't a good place to start conversations.

Once you're feeling better, and better rested, you'll be in a better place to discuss your concerns with him in a cool calm manner.

I don’t understand why you keep referring to the spare bedroom as the “beginning of the end” can you not see you’re already on the pathway to the end? Not the beginning. The beginning might have been when he decided to start punching pillows next to your face.

You don’t like or respect each other. Why stay? Sounds miserable all round, I don’t know what this man is offering you?

There is so much resentment in your posts that I wonder why you are still together, he doesn’t sound like a nice person to be honest but in the same breath you sound like you just want to offload blame on to him and take none yourself. He drinks wine then you say you do too, he snores, you do too.

I will address the first issue - my husband snores and it is horrible to lie awake knowing you have to get up for work while you can’t sleep due to someone snoring. As you know because you are furious about it today. I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask you to turn onto your side - I ask my DH to do this and I am pretty sure there have been times I have muttered fuck sake. Yes in the calm of day we know the other person can’t help it, but at 3am it doesn’t feel like that.

You say you have plenty of money so do the spare room up exactly as you like it and sleep in there when he has been drinking. Doesn’t have to be every night.

The answer is obviously and it makes no sense at all that you would dig your heels in saying beginning of the end when the resentment is pouring from every post at the current situation.

You're setting yourself up to be the martyr again by doing it like this! Have you spoken to your husband and told him what happened last night is not acceptable or is he going to come home from work and the first thing he knows about your upset is that you've decamped to the spare room? A move you have both admitted is a hard line in your relationship. I don't know why you're being so passive but you need to change how you're acting in this relationship for anything to change for the better.
Be careful with the drinking too, someone with no problems with their alcohol intake definitely would not refer to alcohol free nights as being on water those nights! Good luck!