Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

Yes, it doesn't take long, but the point is OP has to wake up to do it and then she struggles to get back to sleep. I sympathise with her as I have the same problem (unlike my DH who can be unconscious within a minute of his head hitting the pillow). Unless you share this problem, you won't understand.

fair enough, I should have put as a disclaimer that I am talking about people around me

I've seen friends sleeping in the spare room, or their partner sleeping in the spare room from their 20s, it's just not a big deal of a thing in any way and not related to kids.

AROUND ME, it's more the older generation (from my mum and mums friends, by definition older than me) who always seem shocked that we casually sleep wherever, or that for them it's all or nothing: separate room as a rule, or not at all.

That's where my thoughts were at, not really trying to be ageist.

I'm having a big OP next month so moving into the spare room en suite because I'll be on crutches, sticks. We don't think it's the end of our marriage.

However, getting drunk on copious wine, scarfing down many packets of crisps etc. Being seriously overweight would be an enormous strain. I'd be worrying about his heart, diabetes, his self induced impotence, he's a dead man walking.

BUT if @fastingforweightloss is shopping and buying all this shit, she's an enabler.

Let him fall asleep then gently or not so gently roll him off the bed. And tell him to lump it or go sleep in another room 🙄

You can love someone to the ends of the earth, but you still need sleep. So I'm not sure why you're using such emotive language there.

OP, you need to address your snoring. Find out what's causing it, try to stop it, and if you can't, you need to sleep in separate rooms. Sleep is one of the most important things in life, that we ALL need. Of course your husband gets annoyed if you're snoring loudly next to him. It's fucking horrible! I know you can't help it, but something needs to be done so you can both sleep.

OP, you need to address your snoring. Find out what's causing it, try to stop it, and if you can't, you need to sleep in separate rooms.

true

but also true that the husband could go and sleep in the other room, it doesn't have to be the OP. Instead of shouting "fucks sakes", he could as easily grab his pillow and go in the spare room.

He's being completely unreasonable.

They both are unreasonable to have a spare bed hidden by tons of crap too 😂

We’ve had separate rooms for 2 years and we’re both so much happier with each other as we’re getting the rest we need. Menopause has been bloody horrible for me and I overheat every night.

I’d also want to murder him if he wakened me up. He always got up for a pee at 4 in the morning and bang I was then up for the day.

we definitely have a better love life sleeping apart. Our second bedroom was deliberately made as nice as the ‘master’ bedroom.

My husband snores, I moved into the spare room. It was that or an actual hatchet to his head. I can categorically say I actually hated him when I was lying there listening to him snoring. There is NOTHING as bad and nobody ever thinks they are as bad as they are because they can't hear themselves. All is fine and dandy in my house now, I sleep, he sleeps and I don't lie there thinking of ways to take him out.

Have you any idea how annoying snoring is? I had a partner a few years ago who snored like a rutting warthog. Honestly,the noise was unbearable. If he fell asleep before me,that was it. I couldn't get to sleep. Ear plugs were useless because I could still hear the low rumbling of him snoring. It made me feel absolutely murderous towards him.

As an aside, lots of people who have health conditions are really not able to control their weight.

Very true but I don’t think they the one to two bottles of wine and five packets of crisps in a day will be helping her H much either.

Exactly. @fastingforweightloss is working hard to lose weight has encouraged her DH to join her. His response to pork up even more. I really hope he's not driving the following day. I'd be hiding his keys, tipping the wine down the sink, then filling it with soapy water and pouring the crisps in.

I kinda get her rage, disgust, which runs deep and is not just about the snoring

I have chronic insomnia due to both PTSD and chemically induced menopause.
I think I may have an understanding of being woken up and not being able to go back to sleep.

We do have a spare bedroom, I think I will tell him to sleep in there. Beginning of the end imo. We have both always said that is how we view separate bedrooms

It really really isn't. Sharing a bed is a con made up by the poor when they didn't have a choice eons ago. I don't understand why adults need to share a bed, it's a shit nights sleep, on occasion even if not every night. The older we get, our needs change. Especially for women.

I love my room, it's decorated exactly how I want it and is like a giant hug when I close the door. That way we sleep how we want and still like each other during the day, even if one of us struggled to sleep.

@fastingforweightloss
Im not surprised he’s got ED.
All that drinking, smoking, eating junk and being overweight won’t help.
Also I bet that he won’t see his GP about that either!
Men often get ED a few years before a heart attack, apparently it’s a warning sign that there’s vascular issues building.
The not cleaning teeth before bed is utterly grim. Eeewwwww.

No but it’s not that bad according to OP, cos they have long haul holidays! Ones where he punches right next to her face, but who can stand to not go on long haul holidays? The bar is so depressingly low. A greedy, dirty, aggressive alcoholic with ED he does nothing about is someone you need to work around and try your best to placate, apparently.

I'm sorry to hear that - and given that you do understand, it makes your "It takes 3mins tops to shut off a TV and lights" comment even more inexplicable.

What is inexplicable? How long do you take to shut off a TV and lights? How many seconds or minutes? Do you think that is the average time for an abled person or are you assuming a disability..ie blindness?

What is inexplicable to me is that you would read “most of the night” and then respond saying I wrote “undisturbed night”

Perhaps reread what I posted and stop trying to read between the lines?

Snoring is a PITA but your DH is not helping by drinking like he does. Any chance of separate rooms? DH and I both snore on and off (colds, weight fluctuations, randomly) and if we wake one another up we potter off into the spare room which we’ve made comfy so it’s not like anyone misses out from going in there.

Hi OP. Sorry you’re going through this. Sounds horrible - sleeping with a snorer is the pits. He all sounds very childish not putting his undies in the wash basket etc.

does he know he’s snores? You say you don’t wake him/tell him. (I think - sorry if I got it wrong). And how do you know your only breathe loud and don’t “loud man snore” (can’t remember your wording!) - has he filmed you?

il just thinking you may need a chat about it and both be honest about how it makes you feel and then both come up with solutions. You may snore more than you realise? Especially as you say you drink a lot and are overweight. Could his ED be causing frustration and more anger in him?? Not an excuse but just trying to piece some things together? Does weight and alcohol contribute. And the smoking I guess.

It really does come across as though you don’t like him. You say his DIY is bad. But can you put the blind up then?

good luck sleeping in another room. Maybe a few nights where you can both get some sleep will
help moods.

If I snored loudly, I’d do everything I could to cure it. They’re are all sorts of gadgets and medical treatments.

Can you both wear earplugs ?

Apologies if already suggested, I've only read OPs posts- I know you shouldn't HAVE to be the one turning off the TV when he leaves it on, but if you find you have to in order to save face with the neighbours, I highly recommend getting a smart plug for the TV.

That way if you're woken by the TV at a time you know he'll have fallen asleep, you can simply go on your phone app and turn the socket off rather than having to get out of bed.

As to the rest of it, you've had lots of good advice already so I'll leave it.