Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

That’s the kind of advice I like

OP, we can all see that your husband is heading for some serious health problems.

We know that excessive drinking can trigger all kinds of health problems including heart & liver disease and cancer, as well as poor sleep quality and impotence.

Overeating and obesity carry their own strains on the system.

Laziness generally can take its toll on the heart and lungs.

You say he doesn't clean his teeth properly - does he know poor dental hygiene can also be connected to heart disease?

https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/research/gum-disease-heart-health

And that chronic snoring can be connected to sleep apnea - and heart disease?

https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/research/gum-disease-heart-health

It's about more than you shouting at and resenting each other for where you are now - he especially is at a crucial point where he needs to make changes, and while you've started making them, you both need to get a grip.

Perhaps - perhaps - dealing with these issues could help your marriage and improve his behaviour and attitudes.

Making that move to a differently-seen cosy extra bedroom could be the turning point you both and your marriage need.

My post was perfectly clear. What's inexplicable is that, despite saying that you also experience difficulties getting back to sleep when you've been disturbed, you still don't seem to get it. It doesn't matter if it takes 30 seconds, 3 minutes or half an hour for OP to switch the TV and lights off, it's the getting back to sleep again after doing that which is the difficult part. You claim you understand this, but you clearly don't.

I'm hoping @fastingforweightloss had a really good night's sleep last night.

Sorry, but it does not (sadly) take 3 minutes to do all that. I get up, get my dressing gown from the en suite, go down one flight of stairs, unplug the fairy lights, turn off 4 lamps, often struggle to find the remote, turn TV off, move the wine glass if it's full, go back upstairs to bed. It's maybe 6-7 minutes, but then it might take me 20 minutes to drop off to sleep again. Then he normally comes in a few hours later, which wakes me AGAIN, then I'm up for work about an hour after that.

Anyway, I slept in the spare room last night. It was okay. Felt weird (I love my proper bedroom) but we will see how it goes.

When he came home from work, he was FULL of remorse. Must have said sorry 10 times, and he really listened to my complaints. We are quite good and forgiving which is how we stay together, I guess.

For PP who are imagining some big slob, he's not really like that. Overweight a bit, yes (as am I), but he is very tall, and very broad, so he carries it well (rugby player type body) and he is also very handsome. I realise I am biased, but he definitely still gets female attention!

Your passive aggressive nonsense is as bad as his waking you up. As bad as each other.

Aaw, glad all is not lost with you two!

For PP who are imagining some big slob, he's not really like that. Overweight a bit, yes (as am I), but he is very tall, and very broad, so he carries it well (rugby player type body) and he is also very handsome. I realise I am biased, but he definitely still gets female attention!

To be fair, it was only your hugely unflattering descriptions of him that gave us that impression!

Exactly, we only know what you’ve said yourself OP. Guzzling wine and crisps till the early hours, snoring like a foghorn and ED that he refused to address. Oh, and the punching. I’m not forgetting the punching. He doesn’t sound like an irresistible stud 🤷‍♀️

Has he ever apologised to you for punching the pillow?

Don’t buy the stuff!
If it’s not in the house it can’t be eaten.
Not only is there health issue of munching through what should be eaten by a family, it’s lazy eating.

The alcohol and processed foods are attributed to the snoring, who ever is doing it.

I feel so terribly sorry for you, this a become a rut that doesn’t appear to have a solution without a serious revaluation on life style and it’s not the jobs.
if you both blame the jobs, look at other options.

Hubby and I have been married for 45 years and periodically we have slunk off to another room (I’ve slept with my daughter in the past when they were small).

Hubby suffers with migraines, so couldn’t bear another person sharing a bed.
He also used to have terrible nightmares, but they have abated and I get woken by him talking in his sleep mainly now (in German usually which is ultra annoying because I don’t know what he is saying!)

If I’m ill he sleeps in the spare room to give me space, which is possible tonight because I’m down with a cold…and I’m bound to snore.

i hope you get to resolve this xx

Aw I'm disappointed that you didn't wake him up when he was snoring with a 'fuck's sake' back!

@400riderI hope you are recovering from cold. Talking in German is his sleep would annoy me too. I’d be tempted to learn the language just so that I could understand his nighttime mutterings.

@ThatBlackCat the OP is very quiet about that one.

You seem to be the issue, not him. Oh, and you both need sleep studies for your obnoxious snoring. You are as much of a problem as him.

How is she the issue? He is an overweight man that drinks heavily and snores and punches pillows next to OP's head. Perhaps you haven't read all her posts.

Traditionally, married couples would have their own rooms if they could afford it. DH and I have had two children since we moved to separate rooms for various reasons. We love each other a lot!

Yeah cos punching the pillow next to someone’s head is normal. 🙄

15-20mins to fall back asleep is in the range of normal time to get to sleep.
At least it doesn’t mean you are then are up for the day like it would for me with insomnia.

I have chronic insomnia so, for me, “getting back to sleep” at all is very rare after being woken in the middle of the night. Most nights I might get 3-4hrs of broken sleep if I am lucky. If I wake up at 1am, often I can’t sleep until 7am and even then it will only be to doze for an hour while working up the energy to get up.

The OP has answered it takes her 20mins to fall back asleep which is actually in the normal range so her struggles are not anywhere near the severity of insomnia.

So, you will be happy to read I think you are right, I clearly do not understand how terrible it is to take 20mins to fall asleep as that would be a dream come true for me.

Same for me. If I had to get up at 2am to turn someone’s TV off, I might as well just get up as I’d be awake for the day then anyway.

It wasn't kind of him to wake u knowing you struggle to go back to sleep sleeping separate is a idea my husband snores but I wouldn't personally want to sleep separate from him earplugs for him and you maybe a good idea my Dh is snoring next to me right now but he's always done it I've just learnt to live with it