Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

The main problem here is that one party is a selfish dirty fucker and the other one does all the shitwork.

As it almost always is.

Not at all. The beginning of the end is resentment and holding each other in contempt. Getting angry when you're tired.

DP and I are in separate rooms because of young babies and getting a good night's rest has been wonderful for us.

It just means you need to make an effort with each other during the day.

Nope. I didn't.

I reacted to what she posted rather than conduct a research project to see if she'd changed her mind in the interim.

And that post, as quoted, said "I think I will tell him to sleep in there".

She can ignore anything I write.

I'm not sure she needs you to act as moderator but, since you're intimate with the thread, to save time, perhaps you can tell me why she's had a change of heart which was my question.

Thanks

Why don’t you have a drink and sleep on the sofa until 5am like he does?

That is doing more than you do. He is actively letting you have the bedroom to yourself for most of the night so you can sleep without his snoring.

I agree with the majority though, YABU, to be wondering which snorer is in the wrong instead on trying to fix either snoring or sleeping arrangements.

You both can’t sleep in the same room anymore, it happens to loads of couples.
You both need to change your view on separate bedrooms too. It has saved many marriages.

Are you always so dramatic? I thought his reaction was pretty tame......when my OH starts up with his racket at minimum he gets a poke in the back and an oi shouted at him. If that fails the duvet's wrenched off and he gets a shove.

Next time he snores just make him aware of it, don't lie there in the dark like some snore enduring martyr. 😶

Honestly, OP (and I mean this supportively) I really do think you need to shift your mindset about separate sleeping arrangements in order to feel better about this. Sometimes it really is the best way to get around incompatible sleep patterns/habits/quirks. You're in no way a loser just because you're not sleeping side by side with your husband! Nor is it likely, on its own, to signify the beginning of the end (whereas frustrations over disturbed sleep can become very corrosive over time).

My DH and I sleep apart a lot, especially on work nights, because our sleep times are completely incompatible (I have a sleep disorder that keeps me awake till the early hours some nights, he goes out like a light and snores like I can't put into words 😖) and I can honestly say sleeping apart when we need to has helped our marriage. We tend to stress each other out when we do sleep together because the factors I just mentioned mean it's usually only one or the other of us who gets a decent night's kip.

That said, it does sound like you have wider problems with your DH (i.e. the thoughtlessness) and I do realise a single bed is far from ideal.

There’s absolutely no need to view separate bedrooms as the beginning of the end. You’ve created that myth for yourselves.

Separate bedrooms are lovely - control over your own space, you can sleep well and do what you like. It feels like being a teenager again!

Kings and queens chose it in the past. It’s probably just a social norm to share now just because nobody can afford otherwise.

I'm not wasting my time with someone so snarky. Why bother posting at all if you can't be bothered to read all of OP's posts first? It's not difficult - for most of us. 🙄

56 years old and sleeping on a single bed in a spare room. What a loser. 😥

You really need to adjust your view on this. Married couples sharing a single bedroom was adopted from the working classes due to economic hardship. The whole oh we do it because we are so much more 😍 than you was the social way to counter the pity of their social circle by pretending they could afford an extra bedroom, but chose not to.

My DH and I have had our own bedrooms from age 40 onwards. You are feeling down rn because you are both sleep deprived and as a result likely frequently irritated by each other. Good sleep will massively help the relationship.

What an utterly bizarre perspective to think you’re a loser for sleeping in another bedroom.

perhaps it’s this bizarre perspective that keeps you in a relationship with this man.

I'm your age OP and I've been in my own room for a decade. I bloody love it. I was in a single bed for 3 weeks [moved back 2 days ago] as we had visitors and one had my room, me and my cat, in our own little granny flat, with a desk for my studies...bloody loved it. Not one thought about being a saddo in a single bed! The only problem was the cat had to have his own chair rather than sleep with me on my double bed.

He's just selfish. And lazy. Just popped upstairs, and as I expected, he's left all the lights on, hasn't turned the bed down to air, left dirty underpants on the radiator instead of putting them in the wash basket. Wash basket is full again. Guess who will be sorting that today? Guess who will be making dinner? Guess who will be clearing up after dinner?

Is that worth putting up with?

In a way I'm looking forward to an undisturbed nights sleep, without worrying about any noise that I make, but on the other hand it all feels a bit sad. 56 years old and sleeping on a single bed in a spare room. What a loser. 😥

Hopefully you'll have a clearer perspective when you're getting a good night's sleep and let go of juvenile ideas about being a loser. Time to focus on the things that really matter and having a more functional relationship while awake.

@SummerFeverVenice "He is actively letting you have the bedroom to yourself for most of the night so you can sleep without his snoring."
Did you miss the part where OP said he falls asleep on the sofa (after a bottle or two of wine!) with the TV blaring because he's forgotten to set the "off" timer, and she has to go downstairs around 2am to switch everything thing off because she gets messages on her phone from the neighbours complaining about the noise? And then she struggles to get back to sleep (and even if she does, he then disturbs her again when he finally comes up to bed at 5am).
OP absolutely isn't getting an undisturbed night's sleep even when her "D"H is downstairs. He's lucky he's married to OP - I'd have killed him by now.

You are being completely ridiculous, but it might be a generation thing.
Older women often seem very offended at the idea of sleeping in a separate bed, while younger couples don't think twice and it's a complete non issue.

I am sure it's different in others experience, but around me the younger ones don't make a drama out of anything: late, tired, snoring, ill, early start, for whatever reason one of them go and sleep in the spare room. It's not A THING, no one is moving bedroom permanently, you just grab your pillow and either start the night or move to the spare room at some point.

When you have young kids, no one seems to finish the night in the bed they started in anyway 😂

My point, clumsy at it was, no one is a loser for sleeping in another bed in their own house!

Just popped upstairs, and as I expected, he's left all the lights on, hasn't turned the bed down to air, left dirty underpants on the radiator instead of putting them in the wash basket. Wash basket is full again.

I would not jump to selfish and lazy until you have both sorted out your sleep deprivation and both been assessed for sleep apnea. Sleep deprivation caused me and my DH to exhibit similar forgetful actions (putting dirty dishes from dishwasher away thinking the dishwasher had run when it hadn’t, leaving the hob on such that it burned pans) as well as drained us of so much energy that small things like making the bed just didn’t make the cut.

Me and DH have been in separate rooms for over 2 years now due to his snoring.

I used to want to kill him every time his snoring woke me up.

We are much happier now 😂

Wassup? Not loving your job as moderator?

It must be frustrating when people don't do things exactly how you think they should be done.

Let me just point out that you were the instigator of the snarkiness and the eye rolls.

Not so hard to just ignore a post after all, is it - or is that another of your rules I've broken?

11pm in the angelic household
DH: Katy, come to bed angel
Katy: I can't yet, there's someone wrong on the Internet

Just relax, it's Sunday
I'm poking fun because you're taking it far too seriously

I did say “most of the night” not “undisturbed night”
It takes 3mins tops to shut off a TV and lights.

Plus yes, I think his motivation for staying on the sofa most of the night is to try and not disturb OP.

They both have the weird view they can’t have their own bedroom. OP only moved to spare bed after MN encouraged her. Her DH has no such encouragement.

Same here. We also get our own hotel rooms or rent a villa so we have our own bedrooms when on holiday.

OP…this might make you smile. Once it is his bedroom and his bed,
The “hasn't turned the bed down to air”
wont bother you at all because it’s not your bed!

Also, his sheets to wash.

His bedroom has dirty underpants on the radiator, meh, that’s his mess to sort, just close the door on his bedroom.

YOUR bedroom will be just how you like it all the time.

We've been married 30 years and have been in separate bedrooms for the last 20 years. Our marriage is as strong as ever. We get on in so many ways apart from sleeping together!

Why are you cooking him dinner? Picking up his dirty pants? Doing his washing?
He punched the pillow next to you once? I'd be gone.
But I don't agree that he should stay awake not telling you to stop snoring. That's fine to wake you and tell you. If he then snores himself, you wake him up also.
Sounds like a very unhappy marriage.

@FancyQuoter "You are being completely ridiculous, but it might be a generation thing.
Older women often seem very offended at the idea of sleeping in a separate bed, while younger couples don't think twice and it's a complete non issue."
Unfortunately this part of your post was more ridiculous (and ageist) which is a shame as I agree with everything else you wrote.
It's not a generational thing. Couples of all ages make pragmatic decisions about sleeping arrangements depending on their specific needs on a given night. DH and I are in our 60's and although we sleep in the same bed most nights, occasional snoring issues and regular aches and pains (and not being able to get comfortable) mean DH will sometimes take himself off to a spare room for a few hours. Equally, if I'm having a sleepless night (insomnia) I'll go downstairs and watch TV for an hour in the hope of feeling sleepy. Doing this means nothing to us and we certainly don't see it as being the start of the end of our 43yr marriage. I can absolutely see why young couples with babies would adjust their sleeping arrangements to get a good night's sleep, but "older women" (and men) do the same to accommodate discomfort from their aching joints, amongst other reasons.

I massively empathise BUT I just move into the spare room, which I’ve made mine with my favourite sheets/pillow etc. I’ve also moved all of my clothes into that room. I understand why you think he should move: could you tell him that he needs to sleep in the spare room if he goes to bed after you?

It sounds, however, like you’re really angry with him (understandably, I get v pissed off at being woken, plus it doesn’t stop, plus my Dh works shifts, so I get double woken up, although of course he can’t help that). Do you want to stay together?