Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

She can’t help snoring!! He can not drink like a teenager. He can not swear at her.

I'm amazed at the number if pp who seem to have no problem with the fact her H obviously has a drinking problem. And is behaving in a quite appallingly and selfish way.

What on earth?

I was WIDE awake at this point, having laid there for a full hour staring at the ceiling. The spare room currently has stuff all over the bed, because no one sleeps in there. Had I started moving all that about at 4am, it would have woken our dogs, who would have barked and woken the neighbours both sides.

So by all means question why I didn't just de-camp, rather than ASSUME I'm passive aggressive??

He has made himself a bacon sandwich and is happily munching on that before work. I'm so fucking ANGRY that I've just had a cry. I think it's the way he woke me up that stings. No one wants to be woken by someone swearing about them. On holiday he actually woke me up by punching my pillow inches from my face. I feel unloved and uncared for.

This.

Snoring is awful. You woke him up.due to you snoring he merely said fucks sake. My relationship person snores and wakes me up, its awful. You then complain about his snoring whilst you appear to think yours is ok.

You need to sleep separately. Neither of you are right!!

Yes very unpleasant of him.
But he has selfish form OP.
Move into the spare room and give some serious thought to his behaviour.
He's a selfish heavy drinker.
Are you generally happy in your marriage?

What is going on with your upper arms?
Sore dull ache?
Is it a muscular pain that can be very sore at night?
Do you have trouble getting dressed etc.?

Separate bedrooms, and eventually separate houses is probably the best thing for you. I don’t think there’s much of a marriage to save.

Sleep studies for both of you for the snoring. Get yours done even if he won’t get one done. You’ll sleep a lot better.

He needs to reduce his alcohol dependence.

In the short term clear off the spare bed and start using it.

It wouldn't be so bad to separate from a man who drinks himself to oblivion regularly? You don't mention children so why carry on in a miserable sounding relationship?

Bear in mind any future partner might well be angered by your snoring too though.

That's silly lots of people sleep separately. Our neighbours absolutely devoted to each other have had separate rooms for years because of his snoring.

I recorded DH snoring when he used to have a go about mine. That shut him up.

If he's drunk wine you just head to the spare room coz you know what is coming.

On holiday he actually woke me up by punching my pillow inches from my face. I feel unloved and uncared for.

I remember that thread. People thought and said you should have left him then. You stayed with him. When will you learn? You realise he won't ever change, and will just get worse and worse, right? He is abusive garbage. Ffs get some self respect and leave!

Make the spare bedroom your room & move in their, don’t sleep together in a shared bedroom.

Sorry, OP, I totally get how your dh felt. My dh snores badly (turns out he has mild sleep apnea), and some nights I almost cried with frustration. My nudges to get him to roll over were not always gentle after being woken up three or four times a night, LOL. It honestly felt like torture. Both of you need to get your snoring checked out, but I don't get why you're sharing a bedroom at night when it stops you from getting a good night's sleep.

My dh and I have separate bedrooms now, and frankly it's bliss.

Goodness, loud swearing wouldn't wake my partner I have to kick him to stop him snoring!

Luckily he doesn't hold it against me, nor I him.

You have a spare room so use it. Many couples spend years and years happily together sleeping in separate rooms.

Not sure why you'd want to keep putting yourself through this.

You both need to deal with your snoring.

He is a nasty arsehole, so you can fix his snoring by booting him out/leaving.

Oh sorry to hear you feel unloved and uncared for. I felt like crying all the time when I couldn't sleep because of both of us snoring. I at present sleep with my youngest child because he doesn't snore and husband has the whole new loft to himself grrr. but even before kids we slept in separate rooms and we have been together 20+ years. what about both of you wearing ear plugs etc if not spare room it is - it'll make the world of difference. My husband doesn't even drink that much and not over weight but I've noticed when he does drink at weekends he snores more! It's really upsetting for you. And you have work today (so do I!) hope you will be ok after a few coffees and tonight get the spare room cleared!

They’re expensive but I can recommend a pair of AirPods and setting them to noise cancellation mode, I’m 40 and get woken up 3 times a night by my baby and I can only fall to sleep by putting them in with a podcast/music on and closing my eyes. The noise cancellation will drown out most of the snoring.

other cheaper noice cancellation headphones might do the trick too.

Lying for an hour staring at the ceiling … In a relationship where this has happened multiple times. Of course you could have gone into the spare room - unless you have metal blocks on the bed, you could have cleared it off pretty quietly.

You seem to blame everyone, and everything else for this issue. This has been going on for years, yet you choose to do nothing to sort it out - just sit there fully dressed.

so yea … passive aggressive

You both sound very dramatic and need to reset and readjust your attitudes on how you deal with things.

Many couples with young children sleep in separate beds due to cosleeping and also need to survive on little sleep before working. If we all had your way of thinking, no relationship would survive.

Both being tired is worse than sleeping in separate bedrooms.

We do have a spare bedroom, I think I will tell him to sleep in there. Beginning of the end imo. We have both always said that is how we view separate bedrooms.

In your OP you’ve described yourselves as totally incompatible co-sleepers, who both snore, wake each other up frequently and argue in the middle of the night. And yet separate rooms - and not this current horrible arrangement, where you both must be knackered and irritable all the time - would be ‘the beginning of the end’.

Separate rooms need not mean you sacrifice affection, connection and sex, and it’s a hell of a lot more common than many people seem to realise. It’s a perfectly sensible solution to avoid the damage to your health, sanity and relationship caused by chronic insomnia and permanently being pissed off with one another.

Just to say, my "snoring" is NOT full on fat man snoring, it's slight heavier breathing, that many of us do when asleep. When he is on day shift, he gets up at 5.15am, and is he is VERY precious about getting a good nights sleep. He goes up to bed at 8.15pm. So that's NINE hours in bed, so whilst it's an early start, he's not exactly sleep deprived. This is when he is hyper vigilant of any noise I make.

However, when he does not have an early start, all bets are off. He smokes, drinks, devours a family bag of crisps, falls asleep in front of the TV. I often have to come down at 2am and turn everything off, because the neighbours can hear the TV at that time of night. I do all that, go back to bed, then he comes up around 5am, and wakes me again by stumbling in to bed. Then falls straight to sleep and goes into FULL on snoring. In my face. After smoking, drinking, eating crisps, and without brushing his teeth. Given that I endure that, you would think that I might have some credits in the bank for a bit of heavy breathing when he has to be up at 515. But no, apparently not. It's ok to wake me up.

He left and had the cheek to say, hopefully I will get a nap today! Yes, whilst working I'm sure I'll squeeze in a nap. Fucking tool.

Hey @fastingforweightloss

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think that perhaps you should both have a talk about this, confront his (aggressive?) behaviour and let him know how he's making you feel. His response to this will give you the answer you need. If he's genuinely sorry, then maybe you could work together on how to move forward and making sure you're both sleeping comfortably. If his reaction is unhelpful and defensive, then I think there could be deeper problems in your relationship than disturbing each others sleep.

It sounded as if his snoring can be helped by reducing alcohol consumption before bed. Perhaps he can start doing that as a compromise.

Have you been to the doctor's about your snoring by any chance as I wonder if there is something that can help you too?

I hope you're both able to work it out.

Are there weight or alcohol issues involved? You said he sometimes drinks a bottle of wine-a glass or two is fine, a bottle is a lot.
Record him after one of his bottles of wine. Keep a diary for about a week or 10 days and then present it to him along with the recording. Tell him you can’t go on like this any more and ask him what changes does he think would help. Tell him you are happy to make changes also and see what he says. If he can’t be bothered to acknowledge how difficult it is for you and make an effort then let him move into the spare room.
What is obvious is that you can’t go on like this, you will make yourself ill, make mistakes at work, god forbid-have an accident, eat crap in order to keep you going etc. etc.

Just sleep separately, whats the big deal.

Try mouth taping op. Sounds odd bit I’ve heard it works for snoring. That’s for both of you btw.

And since you both snore,both should get checked out for sleep apnoea.