Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

[fastingforweightloss]

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

What do you get out of this relationship OP?

Well, you need to drop that mindset - it's just a practical solution. Hubby and I slept separately for 10 years due to his noisy CPAP machine but his new model is almost silent and we are back sleeping together. Got ourselves a new, big bed and bedding - it's lovely to be back with him!

Buy a new mattress for the spare room - one which is perfect for him. H and I prefer different types of mattress.

I would hate it when H would sleep facing me because I would always liken his breathing to a leaf blower. But that must've been his preferred side to sleep on - facing the centre of the bed.

He decided to go and sleep in the back bedroom (we have three spare bedrooms) when he had major surgery three years ago. He didn't want me to knock him. He was in agony for what seemed like ages.

Turns out that I got marvellous sleep from then on. We still sleep in different rooms. I didn't realise how much I had been disturbed/woken by him during the night.

I actually hate being away from home if we have to share a bed now because I build up a sleep deficit. He's had a hacking cough since surgery which has made him ten times worse throughout the night.

I would never go back to sharing a bed. I think it's luxurious to have a bed to yourself.

Thirty five years of broken sleep - now three years of bliss.

I've never had many indulgences but I am not giving this one up.

Very incompatible sleepers. Sleeping separately is the answer.

No, not a loser - a hard-working woman who needs a decent night's sleep!

I could have written the first paragraph of your first post (minus the selfish, 'alcoholic' DH) and when we were young and idealistic we also thought that sleeping in separate rooms was "the beginning of the end". However, now we're both in our 60's with various aches and pains (him, left hip and right shoulder - me, right hip and both shoulders!) and we both occasionally snore, we're more pragmatic and because we have a good marriage and love each other very much, we absolutely don't see sleeping in separate rooms as the end of the world.
I've been an insomniac, off and on, most of my adult life so getting the luxury of a decent night's sleep is like the Holy Grail for me (unfortunately, it's quite normal for me to be sat in the living room in the middle of the night wide awake). I have to sleep on my back due to my shoulder and hip pain and I'm more likely to snore if I've had a glass of wine (although most days I don't drink at all), but when I do, my DH gets up (as quietly as he can) and goes to sleep in one of the spare rooms (some times he does this due to his aches and pains and because he can't get comfortable). Last night he did this, but I woke up, so he told me I was snoring and he was going into the spare room - no rancour or recriminations, just matter of fact. I eventually went back to sleep (thank God!) and I didn't wake up when he came back into our room a few hours later and got back into bed (he usually does this so we wake up together). Full disclosure: we're both early retired.
I think if you can both reset your idea of what sleeping in separate rooms means (i.e. it's not the end of your marriage) you'll be much happier because you'll both be getting the sleep you need. I think you'll be surprised at how much it improves your marriage - not doing it every night, but just when you need to.
Finally, I would be really worried about the way your DH uses alcohol and the effect it has on you (and even your neighbours FFS!). It doesn't matter that he doesn't drink during the day (presumably he's working!) or that some days he doesn't drink at all, because when he does, he's drinking 1 - 2 bottles in one session and that's WAY too much - I would be seriously concerned about the state of his liver. I used to drink one glass of wine every night with dinner - just one - but having watched a Dr Michael Mosely documentary about how toxic alcohol is to the human body, I decided I would be healthier if I didn't drink at all, so I switched to 0% 'gin' and 'rum' and my sleep and mood improved massively in just two days (and that was from cutting out just one glass!). If your DH removes those empty calories from his diet he may also lose some weight, not to mention the benefits to his internal organs and brain. His behaviour is certainly incredibly selfish, but more than that, I think he's sleep-walking into an early grave.

Yup. Sitting up fully dressed fuming seems ridiculous. Could and should have gone into the spare room. It’s such a simple one to solve. Each other’s snoring annoys you both. Sleep separately. Problem solved.
You say you don’t wake him up when he does it but instead you can be seething and not sleeping!? It’s not much better TBH.

The alcohol and being overweight are both contributors to snoring.

A BOTTLE of wine to unwind?!? That's a disgusting amount of alcohol to sit and drink on your own, not to mention 650 calories.

My DH will snore if he has had more than 2 pints of beer, so if he has been to the pub he sleeps on the sofa a I'm a very light sleeper and CANNOT get back to sleep when I get woken up.

Annoyingly he is putting on some weight at the moment too, so snoring when he hasn't had beer so yes, I gently prod him to get him to roll over, and if he doesn't respond then he will get prodded very hard!

I would suggest you move into the spare room and have that as your own room, as sleep is important. You are doing something about your snoring (diet, less alcohol) but if your DH knows he snores and is doing nothing to sort it out, then that's being a selfish prick.

I'm guessing you didn't read all of OP's posts? (Or, at least, not very carefully.)

OP - well done you! You’ve made a positive step to resolve the sleep issue. Hopefully, you’ll both get better undisturbed sleep. You may eventually decide to buy a new bed for the other spare bedroom so that you’ll have a choice which will be your personal, private space.

I would suggest you have a new blind installed in your new bedroom as soon as possible, otherwise it might affect your sleep. If you are used to a darker room, it might make you think you’ve made a poor decision to change rooms.

Good luck…and sweet dreams.

Trying to sleep next to a snorer is awful. Get separate rooms.

You guessed 🔍 correctly! Couch and blanket soon as he started if not spare room also an option. Up to speed now. Snore-Gate seems to be tip of iceberg with few other issues. Wanting to punch your DH for it all does seem OTT all the same and martyr over laundry and rest just leads to resentment. OP get an early night and try and sort out DH in spare room and the other issues. Will be a long day.

Interesting that you have always thought that sleeping in separate rooms is a relationship killer but chronic exhaustion, being rudely woken multiple times a night, punching pillows and swearing is ok.

I think I said this on your other thread, but your husbands behaviour is bordering on abusive

I really feel for you, and can sympathise with your post, especially the ED and being overweight and not wanting to address it, and moving to another room being a step towards the end. I got COVID and was unwell, for 3 weeks I snored, and reminded of this constantly. I took great offence to the comments made. So never mind the fact he’s snored for 20 odd years, but when I do it’s a massive issue. I up and moved to the spare room, the cat and I could not be happier. But it is a step towards separating, on an emotional level anyway.

OP, since money is not a problem, and your husband is not good at DIY, just get a professional in for any jobs that need doing.

Sounds like my house lol .. my husband snores on his back, his left side, his right side and his tummy!!!
People can laugh and make a joke but it really isnt funny when either partner snores and wakes another.
We dont have a spare bedroom either as we have kids (who sometimes also hear him snore)

But .... I dont shout, we don't argue about it (anymore) its not his fault, its not your fault, but after too many sleepless nights I decided enough was enough ...I purchased a day bed. I didnt want a sofa bed as the thought of getting up early hours and changing the sofa to a bed was too much hassle....

It looks lovely in the dining room, and it looks like a sofa, with cushions etc, just the seat is a little wider as it is a matress.

There are drawers under it where we keep a pillow, and quilt, and if my husband starts to snore, I just get up and go down stairs and sleep blissfully...

For the past 4 nights, my husband hasn't even come up to bed lol, because im full of cold an he doesn't want to catch it, so he has stayed downstairs.

Best £250 ive ever spent ..

Its bloody bliss lol.

I think a lot of OP's resentment would be solved if her DH took the adult decision to stop drinking so much and tried to lose weight (and if he doesn't, I fear their "exciting retirement plans" will come to nought). I can't believe he stuffs his face with a family bag of crisps, drinks 1 - 2 bottles of wine, falls asleep in front of the telly (because he forgets to set the "off" timer) and then she has to come downstairs in the middle of the night to turn everything off because their neighbours send complaints about the noise to her phone, and then he comes up to bed a few hours later and wakes OP up! This is cheeky fuckery of the highest order - and I'd be fucking angry too! 😡
Oh, and he puts his dirty pants on the radiator - WTF is that about?! Seriously, I'm getting Rab C. Nesbitt vibes! 😖

This. It's the perfect solution. It's not the beginning of the end. Many couples have separate bedrooms and very very happy, full marriages.

Sleeping separately is totally fine. Personally I think it more weird that people insist on spending hours hopefully asleep on a tiny bit of space when they have a whole house. Haven't shared a bed with DH for 25 years and we are much happier as a result.

I know what you are all saying about separate rooms, however, we have ALWAYS said that that would be the beginning of the end.

What would you call the situation you're in now?

It only signifies something if you decide it does. If it's actually just a practical decision to ensure you both get enough sleep and you're not exhausted, angry and resentful at each other, why would it be anything else?

Love struck horny 20 year old may think "its the beginning if the end if we sleep in different rooms." However, as we get older our sleeping patterns change and good nights sleep becomes more important than lying next to someone when you are unconscious. You can still be intimate, share morning tea in bed but decanting to another room to sleep makes perfect sense.
It probably time to sit down with your DH and tell him how you feel about his behaviour and redecorate the spare room.

Thank you!! It's all the rubbish stuff he does that I cope with, and yet one snore from me, and he's indignant!!

Even the day bed there was covered in his clothes he can't be bothered hanging up. Usually I would just do it, but I've thrown them on his chair.

Game changer for us regarding annoying snoring was the special plaster type things you can buy on Amazon to put over your mouth to stop the mouth breathing when lying flat, also stops waking with a dry throat. Look funny but great when you get used to using them.

It was quite clear from the first post that he wakes her up if she snores, she doesn't wake him up. So very, very, very fucking clearly not the same thing. Does anyone ever bother to actually read?

OP separate bedrooms aren't necessarily a death knell although with his ED you do need to make sure you're connected. First and foremost though you need a good sleep and he needs to move into the other room.