I can’t stand my brother-in-law…and his abroad wedding…

[Thirls]

Hello! I wanted some honest advice here. It’s a long one so buckle in if you have the time to help - thank you in advance 🩷

My BIL/SIL are insufferable, they will introduce themselves to strangers and within seconds will say how well off they are and are extremely entitled people. They also have serious tempers, very nasty and have screamed down the phone to us on many occasions - baring in mind they live on the other end of the country so we don’t see them often (thank god).

Anyway, they’re getting married abroad, they’ve given us just 11 months notice and it’s going to cost us £2k each to fly, stay, attend multiple gatherings including the wedding day. He’s having 4 stag dos, she’s having two - one of each are abroad too. We got married last year but it was local and never expected people to drop everything to attend, we know it’s a big ask and an expense, I was grateful if someone sent us a card honestly. They have not once acknowledged how much it costs for guests and have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all, and that goes for all the guests - their entitlement is rather clear now I think!

We have been going through fertility struggles this last year (who knew it was so difficult to make a baby!?) and I have been going through tests recently, so is my husband. Thankfully my test came back great so that was a massive relief - now just waiting on my husbands. I had an early loss in June sadly which led to a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. And since then, it’s been a tough ride for me. I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of going abroad as I really do hope to be pregnant by then.

Now, I asked the SIL to be my bridesmaid last year, it just made sense as we’re family (sadly) and have to get along, so it was a safe choice. She’s now asked me to be one of her 9, which I knew she was just asking by default. She wants multiple gatherings, all of which are 4 hours drive away, and all she wants to do on a weekday. So as these are just planning/gatherings, they’re not hen dos, I said I would struggle to attend, but I specifically messaged her twice to say please don’t fuss about my availability and I’ll be supporting from afar and would love to see pictures of the night! I know from a brides perspective how difficult it is to get people together, and it’s expected one or two can’t make it…sadly, they don’t think the same.

I messaged SIL explaining that I couldn’t make the night she planned as we’ve booked a last minute holiday, it’s our last ditch attempt as I’ve timed it with my cycle, so I’ll be ovulating while we’re away, so I’m hoping being on holiday will help us conceive (that’s how I conceived earlier this year before the miscarriage). Yes, it’s a selfish thing to have booked it knowing she had this bridesmaid evening booked, I’m not making out I’m a saint here. But they don’t know our fertility struggles, and I don’t want them to know. But without them knowing, we probably are coming across as unreasonable.

So this is where I’m stuck (also this evening I am missing is just a bottle of wine and trying on some dresses, it’s not booked at a shop, she told everyone to buy their own dress and bring it with them to try on in front of everyone - it’s not a big thing in my opinion). She’s not replied and the brother in law called my husband saying awful things about me, I’ll never forgive him. I appreciate they don’t know what’s going on, but if they had just spoken to me directly and asked why we booked the holiday, rather than calling screaming down the phone and saying horrible things to me, I would have told them what’s going on.

So I’m in a pickle. Do I leave them to turn the whole family against me (I call them both the king and queen of England as literally they can do no wrong in the family’s eyes) and just don’t say anything, don’t attend the wedding etc. or do I just bite the bullet and tell them my deeply personal issues (not even my family know and they’re my world).

Sorry for the long message, please tell me what you would do? As I said, yes, booking the holiday after knowing the plans was selfish, I’m not going to deny it, but it’s not a hen do and I’m not buying a dress with my own money, driving 4 hours away to wear it in front of 9 people I don’t know, to be told that’s not the dress they’ll be picking…it’s not a big deal? Also one final thing, she’s been so incredibly rude to me the last year, and at the family Christmas meal she sat next to me and purposely turned her back so I couldn’t speak to her the whole meal. I was at the end of the table so I had no one else to speak with…so this has been an ongoing issue with her attitude with me for a long time now…this isn’t new!

Thank them for their actions- you no longer have to pander to them for the remainder of your life, you can be civil but keep your distance, and if the rest of the family wants to take their side then let them. Enjoy your life without these people and don’t look back. Best of luck

If your in laws are as self-centred as they sound, you confiding in them re your fertility issues won’t make any difference to how they perceive you. Unless you want them to know, don’t tell them. Just hold your own, don’t engage.

I don’t know what I’d do re the wedding. I think if I was you I’d either tell them you can’t afford it, hope you are pregnant and can duck out (but expect them not to tolerate any excuse - the excuse is only for the reasonable people they might tell), or suck it up to look like the bigger person and hope you can keep a polite distance for the remainder of your lives.

I would send a message or email (because then you have proof) & just apologise that you have to step down from bridesmaid due to some ongoing medical issues. It's technically not a fib & you don't have to tell them what it is.

Let's face it, they are always going to find something to be pissed off about, so why bother doing anything that you don't want to.

EDITED AS IT HASNT USED THE QUOTE IVE RESPONDED TO!

Have only made it down as far as this post but astonished it took this long to get this far before anyone said this. (That I wouldn’t be a bridesmaid or attend a wedding of someone who called up to yell and be abusive.)
I’d also be absolutely f-ed if I would be a bridesmaid for someone who turned their back on me at a meal and refused to speak to me!
i wouldn’t go out of my way to antagonise my husband’s entire family but I absolutely wouldn’t be capitulating to these d-wads either.
Booking the holiday was probably not the best - I’d have probably played this as “oh no! I’ve a holiday booked then” even if I hadn’t. But I wouldn’t have agreed to be a bridesmaid to someone so disparaging of me in the first place. And unless they changed their approach to me, I wouldn’t be going to the wedding either.
Your OH needs to be putting his brother straight about what’s acceptable.
Life is too short for this shit.
sorry. X

You do look quite selfish from her perspective.

2k pp is too much - yet you’ve booked your own holiday and turned down an occasion for her event to do so. You will struggle to say you can’t afford it now you’re evidently splashing the cash. Why didnt he you say no, then have a quiet weekend away if you had to get away?

You don’t like her - which is fine. Don’t make out it’s all one sided from her though. It clearly isn’t.

Will you go abroad or not knowing the cost? If it’s so much and you can’t afford it, tell her now. If all you’re doing is moaning but you’ll know you’ll be going, just suck it up.

Same here! Nothing you do will pacify them. I learnt to be bland, polite and uninvolved. I’d pass the phone to DH and hope he learns to stand up for himself and you. Whether he does or not, I’d have as little contact with them as possible.

I’m in my forties now but something I wish I’d learned 20 years ago, is how to say no to people. The amount of hen dos I went on, that I really didn’t want to go on is unreal. Wasted money. Miserable time as I don’t drink and hen dos are generally just an excuse to get pissed and be feral.

It’s really ok to put your baby making first. It’s really ok to say no. It’s ok to piss them off - just because they’re family, doesn’t mean you have to like them or even socialise with them. Just fuck the wedding and precocious amount of hen and stag dos off and go and make that baby! Please, learn this now and you’ll feel so much freedom. Life is about enjoying it and if spending an obscene amount of money on someone else’s wedding (who you don’t even like) isn’t what floats your boat (and why would it?!), SAY NO.

I wish you all the best on your journey to have a child xx

This.
Let the shit fly.
Life is too short to spend it dealing with awful people.
Better to have no contact than shit contact.
Good luck.

Exactly this.

What type of wedding you had isn’t relevant. It’s not a competition.

You asked her to be your BM but you didn’t really want her to be one. And now you think she’s done the same to you. You didn’t have to accept.

No they shouldn’t get angry down the phone. Some people are just like that. All about the drama. You don’t have to engage with it.

I was in hospital with someone whose daughter got married in Cyprus and she still had the ran from it

Tell them you can't commit as you're trying for a baby and once pregnant will be on bed rest (even if not true).
Don't pander to them. They sound horrific!
Good luck with your journey to parenthood

Don't tell them your personal business. It's not relevant to them being arsewipes. And you don't need to justify yourselves.
Drop out of the wedding, now, give them plenty of notice. Thank you for the invite, unfortunately we can no longer attend. Don't give a reason or an excuse.

This, and then this and then this a bit more.

The way this OP has been written sounds like trying to pitch Snow White against Cruella De Ville. The painting of the SIL and BIL as villains in every which way (insufferable and displaying/bragging about their wealth etc) with irrelevant information doesn't completely ring true as genuine.

I do wonder what the flip side of this situation would sound like

Why didnt you just say no to being bridesmaid? You dont want to do the things she has booked and cant commit.

And yes it probably looks like a dig that you booked a holiday when you knew she had something booked for bridesmaids

This.

But if they "have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all" at least you could say you can't manage the whole week so it gets you out of the wedding.

I would just drop out and not engage at all.

She sounds insufferably self absorbed. I mean - 9 bridesmaids!

I was on your side until you said you’d booked a holiday on the date of this dress event. I don’t think that was the best move.
Id be honest and tell them about your fertility struggles as a good reason not to attend the hen dos or wedding.
If they are horrible to you over that, you have every right to cut them off.

Life is way too short for all this shit. Decline being a bridemaid. If they turn the family against you, who cares, doesn’t sound like they’re nice anyway if they can’t see what they’re like!!! I wouldn’t be going to the wedding either, or DH can go. Cut contact and don’t think about them again.

Are you the bride???

These people sound awful. Being the outcast after you tell some insufferable asshole in your family. f^ off really isn’t that bad.

Id weight that up.

"We're really sorry, we're reviewed our finances and we just don't think we can make the wedding" easy, then you won't have to go to all the other shit and they can get on with it. Then just get on with your life. Are you normally a people pleaser? Otherwise why would you have had this woman as your bridesmaid?

I've been in situations in the past where I've agreed to help with something, then the expectations on me have ramped up what felt like daily.

One thing that I worked out initially would take about 4-5 days max to help arrange ended up being 8-10 all day get togethers plus about 20 hours of admin plus numerous phone calls & emails (pre social media groups like WhatsApp). Thought it would cost me maybe a couple of hundred quid maximum, eventually worked out the petrol alone to get to these meetings would be multiples of that plus hotel nights away & meals etc.

Last straw for me was after I'd made arrangements for a particular date in my calendar there was suddenly an extra meeting demanded, and I was the villain for not cancelling my own plans which were very important to me. Naturally when I pulled out of the whole shit show I was told if I couldn't commit I shouldn't have agreed I would do it in the first place - I COULD commit to what had been "sold" to me, but not all the "absolutely vital" (they weren't) meet ups!

You’re never going to get on with them so cut your losses and perhaps send them a Christmas card…… but I wouldn’t !

Drop out of being a bridesmaid & attending the wedding for ‘health reasons’. It makes me really sad that so many families have a dysfunctional/highly strung sibling/parent and instead of dealing with it everyone just panders to them.

My husband is one of 4, with has a dysfunctional brother who everyone falls over themselves to please. We pretty much went no contact cause I told my husband I couldn’t bear this bull.

I do think she probably only asked you to be a bridesmaid because you had her. So I think she will be relieved if you dropped out.

As someone who is no contact with my in laws and has learnt later in life that it is ok to say no here are my thoughts-

1. Dont tell them your fertility struggles. This is personal info that makes you vulnerable and only people you trust need to know this.
2. No is a full sentence. You don’t have to give reasons for not wanting to do something. We do this so we don’t look bad especially if we’re people pleasers. Often people will try and work around your reasons.
3. people will think what they want of you no matter what you do. The key is to let them. Easier said than done. Your Bil/sil will think what they want no matter what you say.
4. your husband and you need to show a united front. The family he creates (you and any future children) are his priority not his family of origin. you will save yourself a lot drama heartache and stress (none of which is helpful when you are trying to conceive) if you can set your boundaries and find your voices now.